Happy Monday...

Administration
Happy birthday to nnnslogan!

Weekend
Oy. Don't know if I'll get around to doing a full weekend report... other than Elayna's injury, though, the weekend went great. :) Highlights included stuffing ourselves silly at Melting Pot (Pengy's first time!) and Crescent Moon. And Pengy witnessing me in full PTA-Mom mode at the Spring Fling. And the cuddling. And the sex. And being in the company of good friends for much of the weekend. Passed almost in a blur, and over, of course, too fast... may be more of an update after I get some coffee in me.

Money - that's what I want
We overspent at MegaCon. March was therefore a bad and scary month financially. But Yendi's April paycheck has hit the account, and I have paid all of the bills and we have sufficient money left to make me comfortable, and I get paid on Friday. And Westfield Comics sent us a notice saying that our order, which we had skipped due to brokeness, would be okay if we sent it in this morning, which we did, so we don't have to miss a month of our comics, yay! And tonight: grocery shopping and mailing out Girl Scout cookie packages, now that Yendi's back to organize.

Growing Pains
I don't think there was a day last week that I didn't cry at least once, and not just due to Yendi's grandmother and the end of one of my relationships. I mean, even this weekend with Pengy. That crying wasn't *bad* crying... it was "holy fuck, another revelation" crying. Processing. I am processing a lot right now... I've had some major realizations forced into my brain, more of the stuff that would seem basic to everyone but me, I think. All of my crutches are being knocked away. Feeling the hand of my patron deity very strongly.

Okay, coffee, then coherency.

this is not a real post

I am...

*busy
*headachey
*undercaffeinated
*still reeling and Processing
*but okay, really
*going to benefit from going to bed early tonight, hopefully
*really wanting to write stuff about Julia.

Why I wrote about my rape

In my second entry this morning, I referenced this post - the account of my rape, nearly nine years ago. I was asked by a friend in one of her posts why I wrote about it, how I was able to write about it, et cetera. This is the answer that I gave her.

I'd been trying to write it for years... writing is how I process, how I make sense of things. And I've always believed that talking about this sort of thing is the first step to healing.

I started writing it in this form for my National Novel Writing Month project, which was my attempt to get closure on the events of Vegas. And I added to it and posted it here mostly because I'd had a stalker problem - someone on LJ had been stalking me in real life and online, hacking my e-mail, possibly involved with the break-in, etc, and I was having a resurgence of my PTSD... and I know no one understands, no one Gets It, what this is like. How rape resets all of your parameters, neural pathways, how everything changes, what it *feels* like to have that done to you, taken from you. So I took what I'd written for NaNoWriMo, which was all 100% autobiographic, changed the names back from the fictionalized to the real names, and added a coda, and posted it.

This is the most "naked" I've ever been, on LJ or anywhere, really. This was me needing to Make Them See what this was like - looking inside myself and being brave and opening myself in order to try to bring understanding.

The outpouring of support was unexpected and wonderful - I didn't do it for that, but I made some people think, really think. And that was part of my mission with it... another part is to encourage others to speak, not to let it fester in silence. And I hope you *will* speak about yours; and if you do, I will be here, reading and listening, and if you need to tell it out loud, you know where I live, and if you need to be held during or after the telling, I will do that too. You deserve to be heard.

And a coda to that - why is it not friends-only? Because my message that silence festers, silence kills, is more important to me than protecting broken shards of long-shattered dignity. In hopes that, if any of you know someone who can benefit from reading this, from knowing that they are not alone, you'll pass on the link. Let them know that it's not just okay to talk about it - it's necessary, and there are people who will listen. What happened to me... doesn't make me cry anymore. What makes me cry is the thought of other survivors, out there, alone - afraid to speak, afraid to reach out. Because that's a horrible, horrible feeling. Know that speaking, writing, does help. And I will read, and I will listen. Know that.

Phasers on random. Yes, again.

Administration
Hello to new friends wiseheron and rosefox! Yes, rosefox and I have finally, mutually, decided to commence the merging of our respective nexi. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

You have eight shopping days.
Until what? Until yendi's birthday, that's what. His wishlist is here. Shop early. Shop often.

Pimpage
Have you read TwoHeadedCat yet today? New columns from elspeth, vidicon, and some people who don't read me. Go do that. There will be a test later.

Dogs and cats living together - mass hysteria!
It is time now for me to gather fall book orders from the professors. Yes, I know it's March. The deadline is in April. So I e-mailed the Chair and Director of Undergraduate Studies again, saying, "Look, the deadline is in 14 days - can I tell people what they're teaching so I can get these book orders?" Answer? "Yes, but tell them it's all subject to change." Lovely. So. Dr. L. may be teaching CS 255. Or he may not. But he should pick a book anyway. Which will be changed when they decide next week that Dr. K. will be teaching it instead. No one knows, la la la. So this list is going to keep changing. Every day. I am just so damn excited about this, oh yes.

Some bits about last week

I'm not good at being a thoroughly-single single mom. My brain gets all fragmentary from the ADD, and I tend to forget things. So I spend much of last week tight-focussed on Not Forgetting Things, on that Miss Kid gets Cheerios in a Ziploc in the front pocket of her pack, and two snacks with her lunch, and school lunch is $1.45, and she must brush teeth, put shoes on, and brush hair in that order every morning. yendi is usually in charge of that, you see, while I'm slowly waking up and getting my coffee. So it's at least partially that I'm way out of practice. yendi and I each take on the things we're more efficient at; he packs lunches, I pay bills, et cetera.

So. A lot of my energy last week was taken up doing the things he normally does on top of the things I normally do. But also... not only did I not get any writing time, but I didn't get any walking time.

I walk two miles per day, weather permitting. This isn't just exercise, it's essential for my state of mind - decompression to start with, and it's also how I get working on my writing. So I'm not just getting exercise and listening to a CD, I'm recharging mentally and following a thread through a character's mind.

And I haven't gotten to do that in a week. So. I am very much looking forward to my walk tonight.

See the lovely fjords

yendi, jet_li_wannabe, and I are going to Noodle for lunch on Thursday. All are welcome to join us.

In other news, I have received my belated gift from my sister, who only remembers to get me a birthday gift after she gets hers from me (her birthday is a week later). The gift is a candle garden. I said to yendi, "'K, she got me a candle garden." He said, "Candles grow in gardens?" Examining the box, I said, "Well, looks like you plant these decorative stones, and candles grow." He said, "Cool."

Yes, Elayna gets terribly frustrated with us.

In other other news, I'm going for a walk now.