Well, okay, since it's PSA day... this first paragraph was originally filtered, and now it is not, since everyone else thinks it's fine to fling my dirty laundry all over the internet. (And for the record, five minutes ago is the first *I* heard of it.)
At some point, one has to wonder how much emotional abuse it's reasonable to take. How many months of how many lies and how many broken promises, how much emotional whipsawing, how much complete emotional toddlerhood. How much one can be punished for simply being the rebound girl, for not being independently wealthy, for someone else's fears. How much one can bend, break, oneself to fit what he wants you to be, what he thinks will make him happy this week - which will be the opposite of what he wants next week. How much does one have to swallow just in the effort to calm him down. How much...
And here's new typing. Hi. Want to know what's up? Months of me taking shit that I shouldn't have had to take. Months of my other loved ones being worried about me because I was breaking myself to be what he wanted, of certain of my other loved ones having to occasionally be restrained from going at him with a hammer for the shit he pulled.
I was asked this question today by someone who knows what's been going on, from both sides: "Why would you want to be with someone who treats you that way? For me that would kill the majority of my trust. Too much yo-yoing, communication failure in the total structure collapsing, not a broken step variety... all that. And lies on top of it? NOT ok. Just some food for thought: is the object you are trying to save still healthy enough to survive?"
And I'd thought he was. I knew he wasn't healthy - his last relationship broken him in a lot of ways. But I tend to believe that everyone is salvagable.
My response, other than that:
* I'm wired to be a white knight, and he is a broken boy. And I need to fix that in myself - I've let that trap me into Bad Stuff in the past.
* I'm stubborn.
* Skinner Box. Variable reinforcement. Adam and I went through really tough times once - and we made it through. So though I know that people don't *always*, my faith that people *can* is very strong. Sense-making?
But yeah. I'm frustrated and angry and doubting, but giving up on people is one of my least favorite things. I can count on one hand the times I've done it. I'm not talking about breaking up - Volta and I were clearly done, as were MightyWombat and I, et cetera. But giving up on someone in the middle of what essentially scans to me as their need, as the tunnel that the light's almost visible in...But there's a point where I can't take anymore. Not just my mind and heart, but my body. Y'know when I started having heart problems? When his ex was enacting daily torture, which only a few of you knew about. I didn't even realize that was it, until I woke up the day after they broke up with no chest pain for the first time in a months. (EDIT: Someone just commented that they'd been with a "night and day" partner like this for months, and that it had literally given them an ulcer, not knowing what to expect. *laugh* Hey, look what I've got now! Same damn thing.)
I have sacrificed hard limits for him. I have... I'd give myself carpal tunnel writing it all.
Bottom line is that he is unable to have a healthy relationship with anyone, and will be until he works on himself. I wanted to stick around til he was okay, but -
I almost had a seizure on Saturday, after him doing something fairly shitty to me and then engaging me in a long argument. Had the aura - air thickening around me, starting to slip off into the gears. Fought it off so I didn't go away.
I couldn't sleep last night because of this bullshit.
My body cannot handle this. Clear and present message on Saturday night. My body cannot handle the stress implicit in this.
I said earlier "That's the first I've heard of it." By this I mean that the last thing we said at the airport was that we were taking a weeklong cooling-off period and would see how we felt about the relationship then. Which != "not in a elationship", right? Riiiight. But this whipsawing is a daily damn thing in his head. And it stresses my body. And I could pursue this and try to fix it, but no sex is worth dealing with this. Please see my reminder to myself to be around people who *don't* make me crazy.
See, in my mind, this was no one's business but ours. But
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beowabbit made it everyone's business, and now that's the trendy thing to do. So here you are. My private business. I've been frustrated and angry at his treatment, his emotional problems forcibly and negatively impacting my life, for months, but working hard with him, because it's all based on fear. Swallowing the broken promises and lies, swallowing every shift. And I haven't talked about it because it was nobody's business but ours. Because no one deserved this 800-person microscope. I thought. But they disagreed, so here we are. Yes, I stayed in this for months. Yes, I'm kinda stupid that way - don't really gauge things as Wrong unless I'm being hit. Got anything else you want me to share against my will? It's the day for it.
And yes, you have seen joy in my posts over these last few months - when he's not showin' his dark side, there's been that, and he's convinced me that it's gone away. Til the next time. (Which twists the stomach worse, the never being sure of who you're getting from one day to the next.) And there has been joy in other things - my Adam, my Spooky, my kid... And I say this specifically because I was accused of lying about the state of my relationship simply because I did not detail for all 800+ of you every time things were less than perfect, every shift. Well, no. I don't *have* to do that. I am not obligated. And my happiness with the other aspects of my life, and with him when he hasn't turned, has been real. One of you has already expressed "I didn't know - even the stuff you'd said to me - which touches on many of the things you said in the post - didn't go that far into how bad it was for you." To which I say, of course you didn't. For all that I type here like a madwoman, I can be silent about Bad Things like you wouldn't believe.
Answers to what will be FAQs: Yes, I'm still moving to Boston. I know lots of people that aren't him and his psycho-obsessive roomie. I know lots of people that don't even know them. My social circle existed before I met him, it was just his offer to move me up there and supplement me so I wouldn't have to work, so I could actually take care of my body and work on my writing, that prompted the thought that we could actually do it. So yes. We are moving to Boston because we do have people there, it's what feels like Home to Adam, and the schools are better for Elayna. Other FAQ: I'd like to be his friend eventually, but that ain't possible quite yet. Changes.
The lesson here? I trust, and I believe. This leads me to shit like this, but - I do not want to be someone without faith, without love, without trust. So. I don't know.
He said not to ask him what happened. You can ask me. I am sick to death of months of silence. Too much of my childhood being forced into silence, and now too much of the past few months. Different reasons, but silence has always choked me, and it has made everything worse these past few months. I have been silent to protect him, and - no one protects me. Comments are and will remain screened. There will be no attacks (you do not know the whole of the situation) and no drama or cross-talking. I will answer questions via e-mail. And I don't adhere to Geek Social Fallacies - we're not splitting up the friends with the books.
It would have been nice if he could have acted like a grownup and handled this offline, but hey. I'll hit post like he did, and then you'll have a matched set.
And this is it. No more. My life now, free of this constant stress.
ETA: And I thank you for the hugs and sympathy, but - actually, I feel pretty good. This is borne of the knowledge that I don't have to get up tomorrow wondering which version of him I have to deal with today, if I'll be lulled into thinking everything's fine or if I'll be verbally attacked or what. I don't have to do that tomorrow. My biggest stressor went poof.
Someone asked what went down this weekend, since he said "it all" did. Um, I doooon't know. Lots of things go down in his head and I find out about them later and am yelled at for not knowing and basing all of my actions on 'em before he tells me. But what I said to her was that it doesn't matter, and that gave me pause:
I've been under so much stress, it knocked the curiosity right outta me. Me!
...and I haven't been writing.
Looking forward to not being wary and defensive all the time. Yes.
