Well. That was some weekend.

Those who follow me on Twitter may have seen (and were very worried by) some of my tweets about this weekend, which can be summed up as: during my party Saturday, a huge boundary violation occurred that caused me to have to leave the party because I could not even look at one of the people involved; I chose not to bring it up with that person because I did not want to detonate their drama bomb in the middle of my party. I tried to stay with the party, but when that person continued to repeatedly violate said boundary three times in five minutes, I had to go upstairs.

I spent a few hours up there, until it got to me so very much that I was being punished, exiled from my own party, shoved essentially out of my own house, for something that I didn't do.

At which point I asked Judah to ask this person to leave.

At which point I found out more info that made things even worse in a different direction, and yesterday I found out *more* things that made everything *so* much worse in two different ways...

Yeah, I was in my pajamas all yesterday. You would be too.

When not in incandescent and well-deserved rage, I have been having very deep emotional conversations for hours at a time. So I am straight-up exhausted. I feel like I probably actually know the extent of everything by now, and root causes, and we're getting to where we can breathe. (It helped when Judah realized how sociopathic the other person's behavior has been since the day we met them.)

I'm not ready to go into exactly what happened and why it was as bad as it was. I know that vague LJ posts make people cranky, but I am taking care of me and my people right now, and if not having details makes you cranky, I leave you to work out your crankiness on your own.

What I am going to do is make a bunch of posts about boundaries (why mine are where they are, why people should respect people's boundaries even if they don't agree with them/have different boundaries), honesty, and respect.

Not everything I'm going to talk about in these posts has to do with this weekend's events (and the things precipitating them). Some of them are the products of months of musing. I haven't been on LJ much, so I have a backlog of pontification! But the unrelated-to-this-weekend things are thematically similar to the what-the-fuck-weekend things, so I'm going to run them all together. Basically, if you read these trying to connect the dots, you'll be really confused and end up with something totally nonEuclidean.

Onward.

Reminder of Relationship Status & Some Definitions & Boundaries

Relationship Status
Judah and I are poly people whose relationship has been closed from Day One. (Saturday was our two-year anniversary!) Adam is monogamous. Our relationship is, and will be until further notice, polyfidelitous. We do not have sexual relationships with anyone outside the relationship.

I am stating this multiple different ways because apparently it is a really difficult concept for some people. Look. Treat us like we are all three monogamous. Mainly: do not initiate sexual activity with us. Any more than you would a monogamous person, unless you are the person they are monogamous with.

(I know, some of you are like "I can't believe you have to spell it out like this." I know, right?)

Flirting != Harassment. Flirting != Sexual Activity
I phrase it like that because the impression that I am getting from certain boundary-challenged people reminds me of the comments on posts about the Readercon harassment issue that whined "does that mean we can't flirt anymore?!?" Flirting and harassment are very different things. Flirting and sexual activity are also very different things. It's not as much a 1:1 comparison because one tends to be flirty with people one is fucking, yes. But I think that non-sociopaths can agree that there is a line between flirting and sexual activity. Where that line is for me is fluid exchange; if you can get an STI from it, I think of it as sexual, because it is right there in the name, guys. This is my line, and I think it is a reasonable one.

I Don't Care If You Think My Line is Reasonable
I actually really don't. You don't have to agree with me in order to respect me and my line. I have any number of friends I disagree with politically, for example, and yet I respect them. I don't understand some things about them, and you don't understand some things about me, and that's okay. Just be respectful.

The way I roll is that I think that in any relationship and set of relationships, one should adhere to the strictest set of boundaries. If one partner is cool with no latex for oral sex, but the other partner's partner requires it, we are using latex. If I need a heads-up before sexual activity (or immediately after if it's totally unexpected, but we'll get to that later) and no one else does, I expect a heads-up. I have dated people who had, or whose SOs had, boundaries that I didn't understand and thought were overly conservative. So the conversation went like this:

Person: "My partner has X boundary."
Me: "Really? Even though [Condition Y]?"
Person: "Yep, no exceptions."
Me: "Okay."

...and I'd never bring it up again. Sometimes boundaries like that mean I don't get to do things I really love to do. That's life. Other people's emotions and relationships are more important than my orgasms. And if that's not how you feel, wow do I ever not want to date you or have one of my SOs date you. Because honestly, I think that's really shitty.

But Why Is Your Boundary There?
Irrelevant.

I Just Need to Know
I don't like surprises. If you are one of my primary partners - and honestly, I don't think anyone but Judah and Adam ever will be - I don't want to turn around and see someone being sexually intimate with you when I had no idea that that was even a possibility. Hell, Adam has one female friend he gets super-snuggly with at cons, but since he only sees her there, I forget that that's a possibility, so every time I turn around and see her on his lap and giggling, I go through a brief "WHOAWHATTHEohyeah." I get to oh yeah quickly because we've talked about this friend before, and the snuggliness isn't out of the blue. I've noticed that I don't have that startle reaction with secondary partners, only primaries, and it's taken a bit to sort out, because monogamous Adam was my sole primary for a decade. I've never had more than one primary before, and prior to Judah, I haven't had a poly primary partner this century. So we sorted things out and decided that what was bugging me was the surprise factor. If I know sexual activity might happen, I can say "okay" or "LION."

LION?
I do not like to use the word crazy because it is ableist. So what Judah and I say, regarding people who are clearly ticking time bombs of massive hideous drama, is "lion", short for "JESUS CHRIST IT'S A LION GET IN THE CAR."



In 2005-06, I was in a relationship with someone whose OSO was such a freaking lion that it clearly left a lot of scars. I refuse to be locked into a relationship dynamic with a lion; I have way too much going on in my life to have my balance wrecked and my home fucked up by someone else's attention-seeking bullshit. I have broken up with people who chase lions. I like to know if my partners are planning sexy funtimes with people because I have a hypersensitive lion detector.

Okay. What if There are Unexpected Makeouts?
Sure. That does happen. When I've unexpectedly had makeouts with someone (read: before I started dating Judah, because closed relationship), I would go home and immediately talk to my partners about that. "So X and I kissed. Is that cool?"

And, since I have found myself in a situation before where the person lied to me and told me their partner was okay with things that they were not okay with, I will always, always, speak directly to my surprise makeout buddy's partner. "So X and I kissed. They said you're okay with that level of contact, but I wanted to double-check. Are we cool?" Sometimes followed up by "I'd like to continue/advance things with X, only if you are totally okay with that."

And that's what I expect from others. I expect respect.

(Of course, if I know that there's interest in advance, I'll ask the partner in advance.)

I think that is it for right now because I just realized I haven't eaten lunch and my body REALLY WANTS LUNCH. But there's more! Expect thoughts on how I got so insistent about my boundaries and how you can tell that I want to have sex with you (hint: I say "I would like to have sex with you!").

Two things:

1. If you're wondering if I'm talking about you, rest assured that I'm not. I never post anything like this before speaking directly to the person/people I'm having a problem with. If I have a problem with you, you absolutely know it.

2. "I'm difficult!" I said to Judah last night, curled up in bed after a long, exhausting conversation. "I know I'm difficult."
"But you are so very worth it," he said.

(And as long as both of my partners agree that I'm worth it and that my boundaries are reasonable, I do not give a good goddamn what anyone else thinks of 'em.)

(Lunch.)

Okay more stuff!

I actually thought of this first one the instant I hit "post" on the last post. I thought about writing it up right then, but my body was like NOOOOOO PUT LUNCH IN ME so I did that. Hi. I'm back.

Why Are You and Judah Closed?
We get this question a lot! (Note: I do not mind being asked this or any question.)

In the beginning, it was because our relationship was so overwhelming in its intensity. We were afraid that adding anyone would dilute that, and we wanted that honeymoon period to last as long as possible.

(It has lasted two years so far!)

Gradually, we realized that we just didn't want to date anyone new. We weren't feeling sparks from new people, and we had a really good balance.

We're at the point now where we're like "Two years! That is super-unusual for both of us!" We're prepared for the possibility that one or both of us might develop interests, and if we do, we'll discuss that. The main factor at this point is time and energy.

Look, both Judah and I like to be super-awesome partners! Neither of us wants to be an eh, okay partner. Being a really good partner takes time and energy, and right now?

You guys.

I post more than he does, so you have a better idea of the demands on me. I'm writing an emotionally harrowing novel as well as a bunch of other stuff, I'll soon be back to volunteering at the rape crisis center, I have a teenage daughter who spent the summer touring colleges and is about to launch into applying to them, I just slowly and wrenchingly lost a beloved pet, my grandmother is actively dying, I'm in the busy time of running the biggest track at the biggest con in the Northeast, et cetera, and I already have two partners and a kid.

I have nothing left for an additional partner right now. And if I added someone, I would become a mediocre partner and parent to the people I'm already committed to.

Judah is no less busy than I am.

It straight-up makes no sense for us to open our relationship at this time, even if we wanted to.

I Reinforce My Boundaries
Because when I was growing up, I was not allowed to have any. My parents are major boundary-tramples, and then also I had the Bad Childhood Shit which led to the Bad Adolescent Shit and me reaching 21 without any idea that I could have a boyfriend who wouldn't hit me, or any idea that I deserved one. I grew up as a beaten dog. I would meekly ask for some boundary that would make me feel safer, or ask to not do something that was making me sick, and I got a decisive "no." No, you don't get to control your body or anything about your interactions. No, you are not allowed to say no.

I spent last weekend in my parents' house. In between visits with my dying grandmother and a few precious hours with enderfem, I wandered the halls, a Ghost of Shira Future. This is the last room I was sexually assaulted in. This is the room where I tried to kill myself twice. This is the room they pulled me out of in the middle of the night to send me to the abusive wilderness survival camp.

Frankly, it took Adam to heal me. It took Adam treating me with dignity and respect to teach me that if I asked to be treated with dignity and respect, someone might listen. And from there I go to and if they don't, fuck them.

The years I've been with Adam have been amazingly powerful and healing. I've gone from shutting down entirely to saying "hell no" and being confident enough to back that "hell no" up. That takes work, especially starting from where I started. Years of hard work.

One thing I said to Judah last night was that I despise the idea of people assuming that I maintain my boundaries because I'm insecure or jealous. No. When I was insecure, I had no boundaries. My boundaries are a sign of my strength and confidence. I know Judah is coming home to me; I am 100% secure in my relationship with him. And part of that security is the knowledge that if I say "X has been really bothering me. I'm not saying don't do X, but if you do, can you also do Y," and he will say yes. Or if he doesn't want to do Y, he'll tell me why, and we'll find something that works.

Because everyone in all of my relationships deserves to feel safe and respected. And everyone in all of my relationships agrees with that.

My Lack of Promiscuity Does Not Make Me a Prude
I'm not a prude. I don't mind kinky hanky-panky - oh, watch the video. It is not worksafe!

That being said, I'm really particular about who I have sex with and when and how. If you ask five people for a definition of poly, you'll get six answers, y'know. But the way I do poly is that I have committed relationships that usually grow gradually out of friendships. Sometimes they're more casual and not capital-R Relationships. But I have to know someone pretty well before I get sexually intimate with them.

There are people who fuck people the day they meet them. I'm not one of those people! And I do not judge those people - if that's what you like, and everyone involved is cool with it, go ahead, have fun.

But don't try to prude-shame me for my choices.

As I said last night, in bitter exasperation, "I am sluttier than like 90% of America! Why all of this prude-shaming bullshit?!" I'm bi, poly, and kinky. My number? Pretty up there. Because I like having sex with my friends. Just not right now. Which, according to some, makes me prudish and unenlightened.

I DON'T GET IT EITHER.

Look. I am choosing to only have the sex I want to have, and only with the people I want to have it with. I am not going to apologize for that. My choice is as valid as anyone else's. And I cannot imagine a valid reason for anyone to have a problem with that. It is some bullshit is what it is, this idea that I am somehow not poly enough because there are people with pulses who I have yet to have sex with.



How Will I Know?
I have also been made aware more than once that people have thought that/wondered if I am trying to get them in bed.

Most people who have had sex with me are probably laughing right now.

Want to know how to tell if I want to have sex with you?

I will say "I would like to have sex with you!"

Look, I feel like sex is a thing that people should not be in any way ambiguous about. I operate on the enthusiastic consent + lots of discussion model. I will ask you if you'd like to have sex! (Or you can ask me!) Then we will move to a discussion of how to optimize our sexy funtimes! Maybe you really hate having your neck touched. Maybe you want a little buttplay. Personally, I hate being tickled. I feel like communicating about our desires and turnoffs is a really important part of this whole process. I'm not going to try to beam these things at you telepathically, or try to read your mind. I really need to hear, out loud, clearly, that you really want to have sex, and what specifically you would like. I need you to need the same from me. This is no time for guessing games, y'all! The best sex, IMO, comes after open and honest communication.

My way sounds awkward, but it makes people laugh. (Side note: I like to laugh in bed, too. But I promise I won't point.)

Related: I had an excellent conversation with a friend I'm really flirty with. She asked if it was just flirtiness, or if it was flirtiness With Intent - if it was heading somewhere, like to the bedroom.

THIS IS AN AWESOME QUESTION. If this is a thing you are curious about, please ask me this question!

I said that Judah and I were still closed, so not at this time, but hey! We are youngish and have our lives ahead of us. At some point my relationship may open. And we can reevaluate then. She was cool with that, and we're back to being ridiculously flirty for flirtiness's sake. Because flirting is fun! But absolutely everyone should be on the same page!

My brain is running out. Coffee time. Let me know if you have any questions! Also, I've tried to cover Adam and Judah's perspectives only on topics that I'm 100% confident in covering and that they have no problem with me talking about. Obviously I cannot know their every thought, so view this through the lens of my personal experience.