I remember sleep.

[shadesong]

My sleep has been massively disrupted lately, which throws everything off. Stumbling through this week. I need to get my brain to stop dreaming of him, because all of those dreams are Very Bad.

Various realizations harvested from my Twitter:

...going back through old stuff, it's amazing how much I stifled myself due to Judah's need to be the prettiest person in the room. "Judah needs the affirmation of people being into him more than I do (I have long since cultivated the Art of Not Giving a Fuck), and it's not worth fooling around if it makes him sad, so we stay closed." From a chat back in September. Welp. Seriously, god forbid people were flirting with me and not him; he had an Episode in January when a particular woman seemed more interested in me than in him. I dimmed my light a lot. I had a constant spotlight on him.

Isolating the victim from their communities is textbook DV behavior. The particular hell that's gettng me today? Had he not isolated me from my BARCC community, it wouldn't have gone this far. People would've recognized what was going on. People with experience. But I was traumatized and took leave, and then there was always a reason he gave not to go back. Every Peer Supe night, there was something else we should be doing.

It's also been pointed out to me that he didn't just passively keep me from writing, he actively did so by not leaving the house on time or at all.

Observations of others: He kept bringing "friends" around who would stomp on your boundaries, big time. Of course, you never talked about the actual cheating, so I didn't know about that. But I've been thinking, "You know, a loving partner wouldn't keep bringing nasty people into YOUR life and letting them trash you." And then you two would have a big talk and get your boundaries all re-defined again, and things would be better for a while. Until the next time.

From a person who's been through a relationship like this: My bet is that Judah has been a guy who just needed a break & some time to get things moving & whatever since you met him. His compliments at the beginning were some of the most amazing things anyone ever said to you. And then they got less sweet, but not actually cruel. And you questioned yourself over whether or not you were holding up your end. Then there was the flirting that was harmless but not, and okay you were busy & he wasn't breaking any rules until he was & that was your fault too. Because you weren't supportive enough or nice enough or whatever the line was & someone else was there for him. And sex was an issue in one way or another, along with money. And yeah, you were arguing with him so it wasn't his fault that he said mean things or hurt you or whatever. It was still all your fault. I know that whole song. Hell I think I used to sing it to myself. And I'm certain you weren't perfect GF & knew it so you ran around trying to be perfect through all of this so you could get back the guy you fell in love with who was so amazing.

I have a lot more stuff from a lot more people, including several of his exes, but it's all identifiable.

*sigh* He told the people who helped him last week that he intended to have his stuff out of here within the week. Well, it's a full week later, and I have yet to hear from the cops or the courts that he's attempted to set up a day and time for that. Which is what I expected, because I ran his entire life, and I knew he wouldn't be able to get anything done without me. We're coming up on a point where he'll need to pay July rent as well, so at least his laziness is delaying our financial setback.

Today I have writer-work to do, and cleaning, if I can shake this exhaustion.

Comments

[philrancid.livejournal.com]

I hope that this doesn't drag out for you.

[heavenscalyx.livejournal.com]

Oh, man, I remember that feeling of making sure the spotlight was on him (that is, my Evil Ex).

I also remember my experience, about a month after I left him, of reading a version of the psychopathy checklist (very similar to this one) and just... dropping the book. And staring at the wall for a really long time. Because he matched every point. It's one of the few times in my life I can say that I was really, honestly stunned beyond words or thought.

Putting the patterns together helps a lot. And hurts like hell sometimes.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Yeah. I am not a doctor? But Judah matches every point there too.

[heavenscalyx.livejournal.com]

I'm not a doc either, but some things are... just kind of obvious.

[harkalark.livejournal.com]

Yikes. I just looked at the list with a particular ex of mine (who was also a cheater) in mind, too. She fit nearly all of the criteria.

[heavenscalyx.livejournal.com]

It helps sometimes with the, "Was I just imagining X?" problem, because someone else has noticed and recorded similar patterns.

[lessthanthree.livejournal.com]

Yeah I know you aren't supposed to "score" other people, but most psychopaths probably would score themselves insanely low, so short of becoming a psychiatrist, my non-expert opinion just put my husband's ex pretty high, and that's without having enough info to score on juvenile or adolescent behaviors. I knew she was a terrible person, but seeing it all together like this makes me even more sad and frightened for the lives my kids have lived already and for what is still to come.

Silver lining in a dark, dark cloud, 'song, but thank goodness his reproductive coercion didn't go far enough to have a child linking you to him for years to come or subjecting a child to life with him as a father.

[rikibeth.livejournal.com]

I wish I could come put my upswing-energy (oh please let this not be hypomania, I don't need that right now, only proper energy) to work for you & take the cleaning off your hands, leaving your limited energy to put in service of your writing... but I have writing to do myself, & a deadline coming up.

I would be more than happy to come be a Helpful Do-Bee next weekend, in the spaces around Beginning of Summer, if you like.

[clodia-risa.livejournal.com]

It is good for me to see you go through this post-relationship set of realizations. Last year, I had a relationship that was unhealthy, but not outright abusive, and had a similar set of revelations after I broke it off. I have sometimes wondered if I was trying to justify things to myself, try to make myself feel better, lying to myself for whatever reason. Seeing you go through this tells me that maybe I did not.

I hope every single day gets better.

[greylistening.livejournal.com]

I see you, hearth sister.

You were not wrong for being a spotlight for him. You do that often, for others. It is a glorious thing, a goodness. I do it myself, and I love to do it.

Lovers do it for one another, in delight and incandescent joy. I see you do it even now, every day, with the lovers in your life.

It's just that such light should not be repayed with harm or broken agreements or recriminations.

[lessthanthree.livejournal.com]

This. Shine that light, but on people who replenish it for and with you so it can continue shining on yourself and others. People who diminish it rather than replenishing it may not deserve it, but don't let them diminish your willingness to be a spotlight. Just on whether they deserve for it to be shined on them anymore.

Also, still here. Still reading. Still sending warm, soft, white light energy.

[alumiere.livejournal.com]

Hugs and support. I've been there with the whole running his life thing, and when we split he blamed me for his inability toget his shit together. It sucks.

[archangelwells.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry. I'm sorry this happened, and I'm sorry I didn't notice that you weren't back. I hope talking about it helps, and that you continue to reclaim your life.

[sovay]

It's also been pointed out to me that he didn't just passively keep me from writing, he actively did so by not leaving the house on time or at all.

I look forward to the next thing you write.

[moonfire77.livejournal.com]

This. So much this.

[cissa.livejournal.com]

Argh. J used to do that to me. OK, not writing, but font design and illustration; I needed to get into a serious headspace to do that, and he'd keep INTERRUPTING me. I ended up giving it up.

For some reason, he's more respectful on my metalwork.

[pisicutsa.livejournal.com]

From where I sit I'm so glad you are re-tilting your world back on its axis.

I admit I was a bit worried for the past few months but again it was all from LJ. You went from "My life is great!" to "There is a great new person in my life!" to "This person is so great! Let's all focus on him!" and "I am not doing so well but did I mention this person is great! Just look at him here!" and I was like "Wait, where did YOU go?" (but obviously couldn't say anything since this was all based on what I was seeing on LJ which is, at best, a beam that shines on a narrow slice of our lives).

I look forward to more posts about YOU and the awesome that is YOU. :)

[miss-lisa-ma.livejournal.com]

I dimmed my light a lot. I had a constant spotlight on him.

Oh. OH. OH.

Uncomfortable recognition here. Yeah. Never a good sign when you have to hold back because someone will be angry that you shine more.

You're so much more awesome when you shine.

[rowangolightly.livejournal.com]

"...a guy who just needed a break & some time to get things moving & whatever since you met him. His compliments at the beginning were some of the most amazing things anyone ever said to you. And then they got less sweet, but not actually cruel. And you questioned yourself over whether or not you were holding up your end. Then there was the flirting that was harmless but not, and okay you were busy & he wasn't breaking any rules until he was & that was your fault too. Because you weren't supportive enough or nice enough or whatever the line was & someone else was there for him. And sex was an issue in one way or another, along with money. And yeah, you were arguing with him so it wasn't his fault that he said mean things or hurt you or whatever. It was still all your fault. I know that whole song. Hell I think I used to sing it to myself."

Oh HOLY SHIT, that describes my whole marriage to Bruce. Wow, that sheds a whole new light on our relationship. It was always about him; I could never do enough, never BE enough...after the first, initial glowing courtship.

Holy fuck.

I'm so sorry; this isn't about me but that was a huge light bulb going on over my head.

[ckd]

Still here. Still reading. <3

[cissa.livejournal.com]

*hugs*