relationships

[shadesong]

How do you define a relationship? How does having a friend you love cross over into being a relationship? I have blurry lines here..... yendi, for example - we don't regard ourselves to be in a relationship; we love each other, but we're non-romantic partners.

Where do your lines and boundaries lie?

Comments

[giggly-puff.livejournal.com]

A relationship to me is one where you share something special. There are many kinds of relationships.
Romantic - you love each other and in all ways you are one.
Sexual - two people who have a sexual chemistry together but don't classify the other as a romantic possibility. You can either love each or you can just have bed buddy.
Friendship - non-sexual, a truly deep caring/love for someone who is special to you but not in the "I LOVE YOU" dept, but more in a family member way.

[songwind.livejournal.com]

A relationship to me is a really vague, almost meaningless term. A relationship exists when there is consistent on-going interaction with someone. There are so many different ways of having a relationship that it doesn't bear talking about.

[harpseal.livejournal.com]

To me a "romantic" relationship, is mostly defined by kisses and cuddles. If both are present(in a passionate way) then I concider it romantic. I have friends that i will cuddle with, but I won't kiss them passionatly. I have kissed men i didn't love, but I didn't cuddle and feel comfortable with them(sex thing). TO have that feeling....I need to feel comfortable, and have lots of cuddling and passionate kisses.

[dark-blade.livejournal.com]

Meep! You're confusing me a bit.

Well, a relationship is anything between any people, I thought...

But if you're IN a relationship, then you're dating someone. Hopefully, you're friends with the person you're dating.

I mean I've got friends, and very close friends, and I'm in a serious relationship with Tadhg...

If you mean how did we end up from friendship to dating? I don't know. We were apparently both clueless for at least a month as well, as one or two of our mutual friends were going "You know, I think he really likes you" and I'd go "Nahh..." and the same was done the other way around with him. It just... kind of slowly dawned, I guess.

I mean, I love my close friends, but not in a romantic kind of way. And I've never had a Physicality Friend. (Term my sister uses for Fuck Buddy, which has the added benefit of being able to use in mixed company.. hee!)

[mister-wolf.livejournal.com]

I don't actually use the word 'relationship' to describe romantic relationships. I tend to view my iteraction with everybody as a relationship, wether that relationship be good or bad, close or distant.

To answer your question in spirit, rather than by the letter: I also tend to view certain close, real-life friendships (specifically in my case, those with postrodent, postvixen, with non-LJ user Matt, and to a lesser extent, since I don't know her as well, with catzkillz as proxy family. Dawn's deffinatly my family, even if we aren't technically married quite yet.

[mister-wolf.livejournal.com]

My point being the for me faimly is the important word, not relationship. I can even envision having a lover who I didn't consider family; though at this point that's pretty moot.

[sirjames.livejournal.com]

I like Niffer's way of looking at it, and I also can
see that for me, it's all a per-case basis: we who are
in the relationship make it what we want it to be.

I cuddle with some, kiss lightly others, hug most,
guys and gals... I'm ok with having the connection
no matter what the plumbing looks like.

A relationship to me, also means that there are
spoken (and not) expectations of what "this" means
to us both. I think Shadesong is a total babe, and
I can certainly admire her, from a distance. She
should have the expectation (just e.g.) that I'll be
polite, and here to listen if she ever needs ears to
do just that for her.

I look to have my needs met, in relationships. Not
just *those* needs... but needs of affirmation that
I'm a good person, that I bring something to the
connection and somehow help other people's live be
a better thing. Or... that I can help someone
find sexual release and relief, if that's what the
relationship is about (that's really just e.g.) (can't
remember one like that for many and many years).

Good question... thank you for asking :)

*hugs* and *lust*
- J

[bpjohnson.livejournal.com]

Hmm... let's see. I think this is a two cup of coffee answer. Hang on a sec.

Cup one:

How do you define a relationship?
A relationship is what you have when you and another person both feel some degree of romantic love for one another and agree to a pursuit of that love. Whether the degree in question is "potential", "incipient", "mild," "full blown" or somewhere inbetween. It is also possible (and preferable, imho) to feel social love for that person.

Friendship is when you feel social love for a person. It's possible for persons in a friendship to feel romantic love for one another, but without agreement to the pursuit of that love, no relationship beyond friendship exists.

Tangent 1: One of my favorite words is "homosocial." I have quite a few homosocial relationships. I love my male friends, in a platonic way (but not in a Platonic way). I have more than my share of heterosocial relationships as well. :-)

How does having a friend you love cross over into being a relationship?
For me, it doesn't. From my personal experience, this is a Bad Idea™. It may not be so for others, but my personal rule is that once you're a friend, you're stuck there. It's possible for one to go from a relationship to a friendship, but not vice versa.

Cup 2:

Where do your lines and boundaries lie?

My lines and boundaries defined in The Guy Handbook. They may not be logical, but they're consistent. And that's the most I ask for from boundaries and rules.

Simply put:

• If you are a friend, you cannot become more-than-friend.
  
• If you have been more-than-friend you may become a friend.
  
• You can be more-than-friend and friend at the same time only if you were more-than-friend first.
  
• If you have been more-than-friend with a friend, you may not become more-than-friend with me.
  
• If you have been more-than-friend with me, and you become a friend-only and then more-than-friend with a friend, you may still be friend with me.
  

I think that covers this context. Kinda simplistic, I know. Just remember that I follow these rules the same way I follow all rules, with casual disdain.

Tangent 2: The Guy Handbook has other rules for interpersonal interactions which I may expound on some day, but not today. By the way, you've probably guessed that it's not a real book. If you did, you're quite correct. The Guy Handbook is the faux authority I cite when trying to explain my convoluted and sometimes unreasonable personal rules, ethics and moral system. Who knows? I may get around to actually writing it someday.


Okay, so I only made it halfway through Cup 2. I guess it was only a cup and a half answer. I owe you a half cup answer on something else. Or you may want to use it for some more detail on this answer.

Definitions

[sir-alf.livejournal.com]

*clears throat to pontificate*
Relationship: Shorthand for Romantic Relationship, as opposed to business or freindly. The point of familiarity with someone where it is mutually acknowledged that you actively seek each other for comfort, affection, companionship and possibly nookie, on a regular basis. This may or may not involve dating (which is to say seeing each other in social settings for activies) and lead to other dedications to one another (like marriage or handfasting). Participants in this level of intmacy often refer to each other as 'boy/girlfriend' or 'significant other' This different from friendship, (bound by common intrest, mutual respect, loyalty, and/or common goals) Friends with Benefits, (Freindship + nookie [frequency varies] but with the acknowlegement that this is not neccessarily permanent, or even lasting beyond the trysting of the moment), Companion (a friend of such closness that one might mistake it for a Relationship, were it not for lack of physical intimacy) or Fuck Buddy (nookie, no emotional intamacy).

All of the above are taken as guidelines, not hard rules. All involve, to some degree, love (a term the definition of which is even more debated).

Peace.

[estasia.livejournal.com]

the webster definition of relationship is as follows:
[n] a relation between people; (`relationship' is often used where `relation' would serve (as in"the relationship between inflation and unemployment")) preferred usage of `relationship' is for human relations or states of relatedness; "the relationship between mothers and children"
[n] state of relatedness or connection by blood or marriage or adoption
[n] a state of connectedness between people (especially an emotional connection); "he didn't want his wife to know of the relationship"
[n] a state involving mutual dealings between people or parties or countries

In usage, the term "in a relationship" most often means a committed romantic involvment (girl/boy friend or lovers). But you can have a relationship without being "in" one. My best friend and I hug, kiss, and tell each other we love each other quite often. I am attracted to females sexually and could easily have sex with her; however, she is not attracted to females sexually, so this is not an option. However, we are intimate. We have slept in the same bed and cuddle often. I could have this same type of relationship with a male best friend.

I have a boyfriend. Well, although we are not legally married or common law married, we have been together for 8 years and we currently co-habitate, so is that still a "boyfriend". We allow ourselves friends of all levels of intimacy, as long as honesty is maintained, and permission is granted before any actual "sex" occurs.

I think what you and yendi has is very special, and I hope that penguinboi is always very accepting of it and not threatened.

[velvetknife.livejournal.com]

I don't do definitions. I don't have boundaries of that nature. What is, is. It's only very recently that I've become comfortable using the label 'girlfriend', and even so I do it in a self-mocking sort of way, and even that I only do because of vixyish & gfish, who get a huge kick out of using said terminology.

[velvetknife.livejournal.com]

Er, yeah, but without all the emphasis.

[auryn29a.livejournal.com]

You and yendi _are_ in a relationship. Your lives are intertwined and you love each other. Just not romantically.

I guess I don't really have lines or boundaries. I'd have to be in a relationship to form them. And every relationship is different.

[hookncrook.livejournal.com]

A relationship is when you would put that's person's wants, needs, and desires above someone else's. It could be sexual, romantic, or even friendship.

I would do anything for my friend Ciassa, but we aren't sexual together...but we definately have a relationship.

straddling lines

[underwatercolor.livejournal.com]

My easy answer is that a relationship is anyone you know at all, from start to ever after. All other boundaries and subdefinitions are optional, left as an exercise to the reader. ;)

A more useful answer, however, is that there are degrees of communication, closeness, friendship, sexuality, etc. in each relationship. It's common to (try to) define hard lines, rules which divide relationships them into neat categories such as friends, lovers, partners, acquaintances, etc. That works great if you believe in it, but to me, all such categories are fuzzy and arbitrary and I'd rather just admit: Each relationship exists somewhere on all the scales that can be used to categorize. The state and direction of one relationship may be similar to another, but they are always birds of infinite feathers. This isn't so agnostic as it sounds. It can be useful in dealing with regrets, uncertainty and anxiety regarding these definitions. If relationships do not have hard boundaries, there is a better chance that the form you are looking for can be reached.

It is an area in which labels are perhaps the least appropriate (because relationships are inherently warm living fuzzy things) and yet most used, so I object to it.

I think this might cover it.

[sophocles.livejournal.com]

http://www.livejournal.com/users/sophocles/15397.html

I think it's much more simplistic

[cloakofwinter.livejournal.com]

There are two classes of people with whom I have relationships:

1. Those I've fucked.
2. Those I haven't fucked yet.

All kidding aside, I don't think you should overthink this. I have a friend, Dave, who is male. We're both run of the mill hetero guys, but we care deeply for one another. The joke has often been tossed about that if one of us had a plumbing change, we'd be the perfect couple. It's an anticipatory emotion, unspoken contentment, easygoing relationship.

I've never liked the "your closest friends are those who you would give your life for" because even though I hate a few folks out there, I'd perform that act of sacrifice in order to save someone else's life. Period. Anyone.

Except maybe salespeople. And telemarketers. And the guy who laid out the streets in downtown Atlanta.

[eng1ne.livejournal.com]

I like hugs. I like anyone who gives me a hug. ^_^

[evilbenfranklin.livejournal.com]

To be totally honest... I'm not entirely certain what it means for me anymore. There are so many different subtle flavors of "relationship" that I sometimes get my signals crossed and have difficulty sorting them out, or catching signs from another person that they might be interested in crossing the line from 'good friend' to 'friend with bennies' or 'lover'. My recent divorce hasn't helped me clear the issue up any, either. It's just left me needing something, and having no smegging clue where in the blue smurfy frick I should start looking for it, or even what it is.

Relationships based purely on sex can be fun... but I feel they start to get hollow after awhile. Relationships based on friendships that grow into something else tend to last longer, but you run the risk of finding out later on that you work better as friends... and sometimes fail working afterward.

It's hard to see where the proper balance may be struck... I don't think there's really a set of rules I follow regarding it, because so much is based on the circumstances, for me. Guess that's the problem with being able to see most sides of anything. ;)