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Some people have asked what it means when I say I haven't self-injured in x number of hours/day. This is kinda a brief explanation.
Self-injury is what it sounds like. It's when a person deliberately injures themself, usually enough to draw blood. The person does this as a release of psychological tension... when it hurts too much inside, a little pain on the outside can balance you. This site (http://www.palace.net/~llama/psych/injury.html) has some good info on it - you may want to read the primer they link to from the front page.
A few people have been shocked that I was still doing it. This is actually not uncommon... like many of my PTSD symptoms (self-injury is a common PTSD behavior), this was mostly suppressed while I was dealing with the external trauma of living with, then divorcing, my ex. So when I moved up here with Adam I was finally safe... safe enough to break down in ways I'd been suppressing for seven years.
I am gradually putting myself back together. Trying to make sure all of my psychological needs are met. And as this is happening, the need to self-injure is waning. I'm not saying it'll never happen again. It probably will. From the page linked above:
"A section of the causes page discusses this in more detail, but basically studies have suggested that when people who self-injure get emotionally overwhelmed, an act of self-harm brings their levels of psychological and physiological tension
and arousal back to a bearable baseline level almost immediately. In other words, they feel a strong uncomfortable emotion, don't know how to handle it, and know that hurting themselves will reduce the emotional discomfort extremely quickly.
They may still feel bad (or not), but they don't have that panicky jittery trapped feeling; it's a calm bad feeling. This explains why self-injury can be so addictive: It works. When you have a quick, easy way to make the bad stuff go away for a while, why would you want to go through the hard work of finding other ways to cope?"
So. Yes. Generally, I make myself bleed at least once a day. Usually with my fingernails only, though I've used knives (not in years) and scissors (only once in the past 2 years). My target site used to be my upper thighs (which is why I never wear shorts) and it now my shoulders and upper back (which is why I rarely wear tank tops). I haven't done it in two days, and I'm proud of that, and I would like to keep on not doing it. :)
So. If you do this too, know you're not alone. :) And if any of you guys have any questions, please ask.
*hugs* to all my friends...
Self-injury is what it sounds like. It's when a person deliberately injures themself, usually enough to draw blood. The person does this as a release of psychological tension... when it hurts too much inside, a little pain on the outside can balance you. This site (http://www.palace.net/~llama/psych/injury.html) has some good info on it - you may want to read the primer they link to from the front page.
A few people have been shocked that I was still doing it. This is actually not uncommon... like many of my PTSD symptoms (self-injury is a common PTSD behavior), this was mostly suppressed while I was dealing with the external trauma of living with, then divorcing, my ex. So when I moved up here with Adam I was finally safe... safe enough to break down in ways I'd been suppressing for seven years.
I am gradually putting myself back together. Trying to make sure all of my psychological needs are met. And as this is happening, the need to self-injure is waning. I'm not saying it'll never happen again. It probably will. From the page linked above:
"A section of the causes page discusses this in more detail, but basically studies have suggested that when people who self-injure get emotionally overwhelmed, an act of self-harm brings their levels of psychological and physiological tension
and arousal back to a bearable baseline level almost immediately. In other words, they feel a strong uncomfortable emotion, don't know how to handle it, and know that hurting themselves will reduce the emotional discomfort extremely quickly.
They may still feel bad (or not), but they don't have that panicky jittery trapped feeling; it's a calm bad feeling. This explains why self-injury can be so addictive: It works. When you have a quick, easy way to make the bad stuff go away for a while, why would you want to go through the hard work of finding other ways to cope?"
So. Yes. Generally, I make myself bleed at least once a day. Usually with my fingernails only, though I've used knives (not in years) and scissors (only once in the past 2 years). My target site used to be my upper thighs (which is why I never wear shorts) and it now my shoulders and upper back (which is why I rarely wear tank tops). I haven't done it in two days, and I'm proud of that, and I would like to keep on not doing it. :)
So. If you do this too, know you're not alone. :) And if any of you guys have any questions, please ask.
*hugs* to all my friends...
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Seriously, I talk about it so openly mainly because there's always the chance that someone on my friends list, or someone reading this via /friendsfriends or the "random" button, might be going through the same thing, but not know what to do or who to talk to. Same reason I talk openly about my abuse issues - because someone out there might need the assurance that it's safe to talk about these things.
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Maybe having him read the site would help? I don't know. But you can always talk to me about this... *hugs*
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Go you!
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Exactly why I posted it. :)
*hugs*
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The closest I come, myself, to this sort of stress reliever is when I'm very scared, I tend to tighten one particular muscle (usually my calf because it's easiest) until it cramps and hurts...and I keep doing it. It *does* hurt me, and I'm generally sore for DAYS afterward if I do that, but it helps keep me focused and in reality rather than retreating, which is when I usually do it, when I'm trying to go inside and hide but can't because I'm not in a safe physical place, so have to remain present enough to *get* somewhere safe.
It's only when thinking about things like that that I realize that my previous marriage *was* abusive...because I realize that I developed psychological patterns that abused people do. It's hard for me to think of my marriage that way, because Mark is such a good man, and if he had known what the relationship was doing to me, it would have been changed so many, many years ago. Neither of us realized what was happening.
You'd think my tendency to occasionally hide in a closet and disappear inside my own mind would've been a clue, ne? When Chris gets it in his head that being with him has made me unhappy, I ask him when the last time I Went Away was...and he can't remember. :) (I can, but it was so short and minor he didn't even know I had gone.)
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