"Hey, shadesong, why do you write about this stuff?"

[shadesong]

The BDSM, the self-injury, the abuse and addiction issues... why do I write about all of this stuff? And especially in a public forum?

Because, just as much as this is a sounding board and an experiment in human networking, I do consider it to be my journal... and this is part of the purpose of a journal. To be completely honest about yourself. So I'm doing that - I'm pulling these things out of my head and putting them on "paper", so I can better examine them so I can see how they all fit together to make me *me*. I have parts of myself that I find dark and scary, but they're not going away, so I may as well examine them.

And another reason - whenever I put up a post about stuff like the abuse or the self-injury, I get people replying to it, and people e-mailing me, who never knew that these things could be spoken of. The first step to healing is *talking* about it, and by talking about it myself, I've been the catalyst for other people talking about it and starting to take that good long look at themselves too.

Stuff like the BDSM posts? This is something I'm really working on. I started out terrified to admit to myself that I got off on D/s - specifically because I'm a rape survivor. So I've done a lot of thinking, put a lot of work into reconciling these parts of myself. And now I'm examining it further - trying to determine just what it is about D/s, that does it for me, so I can figure out how to deal with it and get my needs met without hurting yendi, who's vanilla and monogamous. And the more I talk about it, the more these things straighten themselves out in my head.

I'm really happy that a lot of people read me, and I'm delighted to make new friends, but at the core of it, I'm writing for myself as much as I'm writing for a readership. Wouldn't be much of a journal otherwise... :)

Essentially, I am here to be honest.

Comments

[dorei.livejournal.com]

Well one would hope you're being honest and using a journal as it's meant to be used -- a written extension of yourself. I didn't start a journal online to give others jollies or indulge my exhibitionistic kink. In fact, I'm a rather private person when it comes to my feelings.

Oh, and as to the D/s stuff? The reason why you can get off on it is because it's consensual, dearheart. Rape isn't. I enjoy the freedom it gives me. I am most free, most secure, most serene, when I am at my most helpless. And I can only get that in a D/s relationship. It's just what works for me. That and I'm a bit of a painslut so a good singletailing or flogging or cutting gets me off. Pleasure and pain are very close in the circuitry, dontcha know.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Thanks. :)

I've been giving lots of thought as to why I like what I do.... I think part of it is because I've always been what my friend Jeanette calls "the princess" or "the sparking diamond of the Moulin Rouge". :) I've always been encouraged, egged on, to go, to do more, to be more, to be smarter and sexier and just MORE, all around, MORE, to be the superstar, to take the lead and run with it. And I have never been given any boundaries in my life, it's always the opposite...

...so maybe that's why it gets me off to be cast down like that.

[mfree.livejournal.com]

Being honest here and exposing myself to ridicule is one of the most positive things I've ever done in my life, simply because the ridicule doesn't come, only the knowledge that I'm not alone.

You aren't alone either. LJ can be an incredibly positive influence...

[metaphorge.livejournal.com]

D/S is all about trust.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Yes, it is....

[technomom]

I've been asked questions about why I'd talk about things on my web site - being an abuse survivor, size acceptance, etc. - and give people enough information to hurt me. I wrote http://www.technomom.com/why.html as a response, but basically - if I put the information out there, it's because I don't care who knows that I was raped as a child, or that I'm fat, or whatever else they can learn from my site (or now, my LJ). Secrets hurt much more than acknowledged facts. And being a survivor is nothing to be ashamed of. The more we speak up, online and offline and absolutely everywhere, the more awareness there will be of what might be happening to a child right now - and that child may hear us and be more likely to speak up herself. That's more than worth it to me.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

That's exactly it. :)

[terig.livejournal.com]

Oh I agree too. I'm also an abuse and rape survivor and to me, the more open it is, the less likely it will happen to others. For me, saving even one child or other person from being abused or raped makes it worth the risks of the telling.

And I like to think that in overcoming the shame and guilt that comes with going through these experiences will show people too that there is a life not filled with despair and that one can be strong and positive about their lives. The best revenge is a good life, I believe.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

"And I like to think that in overcoming the shame and guilt that comes with going through these experiences will show people too that there is a life not filled with despair and that one can be strong and positive about their lives. The best revenge is a good life, I believe."

My thoughts exactly! *hugs*


"

[crimmycat.livejournal.com]

I admire your strength and courage. Me, I chatter a lot, and rarely say anything that truly is that open, that could be used to hurt me. Even less so on LJ, where it's preserved in print. I've always hated journals - leaving anything in print that reveals what's going on, or has gone on, leaves the greatest unease in me.

opening up about anything is sometimes the hardest part. And when I do, even here, it's a hard thing, and often I grow insecure, but always get amazed that no one yet has cut me down for it.

[settsimaksimin.livejournal.com]

i'm glad you do. **hugs**

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

*hugs* So am I. Thanks. :)


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