Clarification and charisma

[shadesong]

So. What prompted the previous post?

This is something that mousegrrl and I were discussing yesterday, and yendi and I discussed it on the way. home. So it's been at the top of my mind. Add to that the fact that, when I went to check the mail today, two workmen craned their necks so far to check me out that they nearly fell off their scaffolding... and voila, a post is born.

I'm not a pretty girl. Shut up, yendi, I am *not*. But there's something about me, charisma or pheremones or an aura or *something*, that attracts people. (And, well, now there's the boobs, now that I'm wearing a better bra. But that's new.)

You would think that this is a lovely thing, but it tends not to be.... I never know if someone likes *me* - or even really *sees* me. Or if they're just looking at the aura and, now, the boobs. Sometimes, I don't know if my friends are my friends. This is more true of real-life people, but I think the charisma thing works over the 'net, too.

So. Is it better to be like this> Glossed over and uncertain? Or would it be better *not* to be looked at? Not much choice in the matter (yes, deza, I know, dress up/dress down, but this happens no matter what I'm wearing). But I wonder.

Comments

[gothwalk.livejournal.com]

I'm reasonably certain that there is something you can do to "turn it off". Experiment a bit - wear baggy combats and a loose hoody, or beige. Get hold of the most woeful pair of seventies glasses you can find - either Buddy Holly or Janine in Ghostbusters.

(ward vs="skeptics")

And then there's good ol' magic - a simple spell to turn off the aura effect.

My brother - not a pagan or anything much, really - can flick his aura like a light-switch. On, off, and the attention with it.

(/ward)

[ilexx.livejournal.com]

baggy combats and a loose hoody, or beige. Get hold of the most woeful pair of seventies glasses you can find - either Buddy Holly or Janine in Ghostbusters.

*drooooooooooooooool*
*GRIN* *runs*

[ex-ilk.livejournal.com]

In the above, you described a woman I would be FASCINATED with.

[m0usegrrl.livejournal.com]

heh. that's usually how i dress... =)

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Yeah... I need to work on a way to turn it off.

[tarpo.livejournal.com]

well for everyone who cranes their neck to check you out.. there are around 150 people who think you have an awesome mind.. and of those a bunch most likely think you are pretty hot on top of it.. The people who matter should know you.. let the rest take a glance..

Confused

[songwind.livejournal.com]

How is your own charisma not part of you?

[ex-ilk.livejournal.com]

The intentions of an observer are wholly designed by the observed.
Unless you ask.

My experiences shape how I percieve someone's intentions when they look at me. Personally, I find myself checking my clothing. Perhaps he or she is attracted to me? No. My pants must be unzipped, or my shirt is on backward... or... anything.

When I was a child, my mother was going through all kinds of depression. She dressed me wrong from time to time, and her choices for clothing were based on styles from a decade before. I was traumatized for this at school and for many years I was a target. On reflection, this made me into a much better person, imho. I made friends with those who had none. I made lifetime friends. I helped them.I defended them. I became stronger.

But.

Here I am, decades later. People look at me, and I check my clothing.

The reality is, my clothes are worn correctly. While usually bland, my selections are not "out of date". My hair is not 80s - style or anything like that.

What I am suggesting is that your experiences may be shaping your opinion of how you are percieved. But it is in many cases (if not most) just your perception.

But this is... just an observation. :)

Bit of leisure time to answer more fully

[songwind.livejournal.com]

First of all, I don't think you should be worried about friends in the same context as construction workers. :) If someone rubbernecked to get a look at you, then demonstrably you *are* a pretty girl, and they wanted to look. We'll leave commentary on whether that was polite and such for another post. :)

You do have a charisma that attracts people. But it's not something that's separate from you. It's the impression of you that people get on short notice. It's like a subconscious registering of dozens of little things about you. In some regards, it is physical, sure. The way you dress (as described in your journal) is not only attractive, but says something about your own assertiveness and whatnot. (assuming you look comfortable in it). Here on LJ, your posts come across quickly as someone who is intelligent, driven, and thoughtful, but with a fun side and sometimes a bit of titilation. I'm glad I went ahead and posted in your journal and added you to my friends list, because that initial impression I got of you has been well borne out.

Re: Bit of leisure time to answer more fully

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

*blush* Flatterer!

Thank you, though. :)



T

[kyobu.livejournal.com]

Charisma is an indicator for personality. I think people use charisma/vivaciousness/wit as a way to tell how someone really is inside. It's not a perfect tool, obviously - apparently, Dubya has a lot of charisma - but in general, if someone interacts in a certain way with others, it shows they've got a certain personality. Appearance is to some degree unrelated to personality, of course; nice breasts haven't got anything to do with personality (although it would be dishonest to claim that I don't notice them), but partly it is related. The way someone dresses, despite platitudes, does tell you something about the way they see themselves, or at least to which subculture they ally themselves. And a nice smile, which is partly influenced by biology and partly by personality, goes astonishingly far

[crimmycat.livejournal.com]

*smiles*

y'know, once you turn off the attention,(and it's a way of dressing, but much more of attitude. And perhaps aura - I know little on that) it's a suddenly colder world.

I clawed my way out of the spotlight once, when trying desperately to redefine who I was - and I found I didn't like it when I was just another face no one paid attention to. It was cold and lonely. So I dress comfortably, walk confidently, let my cheerfulness hover all around me, and take each passing stare as a boost to my confidence, telling me I really exsist, I really am someone worth noticing and worth looking at.

Though every time I see a photo of me, where the charisma doesn't carry over, I wonder why in the nine worlds people think I'm atractive. (body issues? me? of course!)

[iroshi.livejournal.com]

Though every time I see a photo of me, where the charisma doesn't carry over, I wonder why in the nine worlds people think I'm atractive. (body issues? me? of course!)

This could have come off of my own keyboard, sister. I am, physically, a terribly plain woman. (With "startlingly attractive hair", okay, it's my BEST feature...it's my ONLY good feature!) Very few people realize that I'm so very plain anymore, and they haven't for a long time, because the force of my personality animates my face so very much. (However, the downside is that I look very *ugly* when I'm sad or pissed off, and I can't do a damn thing about that.)

Umm..

[songwind.livejournal.com]

If that's you in your userpic, then I have to call "bullshit". You're a very lovely woman. And not just because of the hair. :)

Re: Umm..

[kyobu.livejournal.com]

Definitely. The hair enhances an already-pretty face.

Re: Umm..

[iroshi.livejournal.com]

No, sweetie, that's Alyson Hannigan. Though my hair actually *does* look quite like that (minus the widow's peak), but my face does not.

Re: Umm..

[kyobu.livejournal.com]

Ah. Thought I might have recognized her. Mine ain't me, either, but that well-known studmuffin Orson Welles.

Re: Umm..

[auryn29a.livejournal.com]

You've seen Heavenly Creatures, right?

Re: Umm..

[kyobu.livejournal.com]

No, why?

Re: Umm..

[auryn29a.livejournal.com]

The main characters in the movie develop a deep fear of Orson Welles and hallucinate that Orson is chasing them down to molest them.

[crimmycat.livejournal.com]

*nods*

yeah. *smiles* besides, now that I've left high school far behind, I'm glad I've the personality and interesting life instead of the beauty. I'd rather attract friends by personality and interest and get in wierd discussions with them than have them stare at my boobies and absently nod along.

Not that a guy staring at my chest doesn't happen, and doesn't make me laugh and feel better!

Re:

[iroshi.livejournal.com]

Nobody *ever* stares at my chest; there isn't anything there worth staring at. My breasts are a reasonably average size, B cup (though they only reached that lofty height after several pregnancies...I think it was the third or fourth pregnancy where I didn't go back to my A cup after I finished nursing the rugrat), and I don't tend to choose clothing choices that accent them.

Now, me on a DANCE floor is something else entirely. ^_~ I'm *good* at dancing, and I look damn sexy doing it, if the watching eyes are any gauge to go by.

I come off the dance floor and head STRAIGHT for my husband, just to show that I'm taken...last weekend when we went to City Streets, I saw at least two men heading straight for me as I made my way off the crowded dance floor. *giggle* Dancing up on the platform has several benefits: room to actually *dance* rather than just wiggle, lots of people watching which boosts the hell out of my ego, and a railing between me and any men who want to flirt, or worse, touch...they pretty much HAVE to wait 'til I come down if they want to talk to me. ^_^

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Mmmm... wanna watch you dance. :) Can't dance *with* you, as my rhythm is imperfect, but I wanna watch!

[voltbang.livejournal.com]

I go through these brief phases where it seems like I get a ton of attention, from the opposite sex and attractive members of my own sex and I'm social and all is good. Then I go through these phases where I couldn't get attention from anyone with road flares and a bullhorn. If I could figure out a way to turn the attention on and leave it on, I would, anonymity isn't any fun for me. So yeah I understand about you not liking what you got when you found your way out of the spotlight.

[iroshi.livejournal.com]

1. I'm not yendi and I still think you're pretty. I *have* seen at least one picture of you (and I don't mean your boob pic, either).
2. You have this charisma because of who you are. They like you for who you are, because it is BECAUSE you are that person that you are so charismatic. It's not some extra thing.

Notice that when I said I could be invisible if I wanted, the comment is more about my MOOD than anything else. I can be invisible in really sharp clothes if I want to. I don't usually want to, because I put the clothes on in the morning depending on my mood, generally.

It is my guarded opinion, never having met you in RL, that you don't know how to send up, "Leave me alone," vibes. If we ever meet up, we'll have to spend time learning that skill. :) But I guarantee you, your friends really *do* like you. What's not to like? Sweetie, you're adorable. It's only your insecurities that are keeping you from realizing that. And if you turned off the charisma...your friends would just spend time asking you what was wrong, *strangers* would stop looking at you, and you'd wonder if nobody liked you because they weren't looking anymore...

Trust me, sweetie, the insecurity cannot be dealt with by getting rid of what you think is the problem. It can only be gotten rid of by learning to trust yourself, your judgment, and the judgment of your friends.

[auryn29a.livejournal.com]

I have a friend like that. If you took her photograph you might not say she's incredibly attractive, but in person she has a presence, an aura, pheremones, what have you. She's just a magical person who always knows the best thing to do. My group of friends calls her Mary Poppins. (Actually, I think I started that.) I'm horribly in lust with her, and in love. ("Your our favorite person!") Anyway, she's an enchanting person and gets lots of looks, but photographs simply cannot capture her beauty.

She says she started dating her husband because at a party he was the only one not staring at her breasts. That's sweet...I think.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Yeah, yendi is the first boy I was sure liked me for me... because we became best friends online before ever seeing each other. :)




∞

[m0usegrrl.livejournal.com]

i second what iroshi said. we love you because of *you*, not because of your Natural 18 Charisma Roll or your Magical Boobie Uplift Power. =) those may cause one to want to get to know you better, but it's you -- the real you -- that causes us to stick around.

::hugs::

[tanaise.livejournal.com]

Mirrors lie. The only way you can truly tell what you look like is by looking at your friends. I look at pictures of myself and I am appalled. I look *awful.* I am so overweight right now, and I look like someone bleached a hippo and stuck it in my clothing. But no one seems to react to me that way. And so I've begun to figure a couple things out. One is that 2D mediums don't adequately capture some 3D people. Some are photogenic, but also, I have this very very clear mental image of what I look like. And it doesn't at all match my physical image. And so long as I don't have to look at my physical image--and I don't really. I look in mirrors a lot, but it's more to make sure I'm still here than to see what I look like. I don't actually look at myself in mirrors, I look at this stranger who follows me around and gets in mirrors before me.
One of my friends is pretty--not like model gorgeous, but actually, very much like you in appearance. She's got whispy dirty blond hair, she's got blue eyes and light skin that tans, she's skinny, and an inch or two taller than me. And guys *flock* to her. I am not invisible looking, what with red hair and a big chest, but I *never* got a second look when I was with her. And I haven't a clue why. She hasn't a clue why. I mean, I know why people like her, cause I like her. but I don't know why guys get crushes on her.

[auryn29a.livejournal.com]

The only time I remember anyone being visibly physically attracted to me was one time when I was working in a convenience store. Someone came in to buy alcohol, and she was already drunk. So, yeah, kind of a foreign concept to me. The best I can hope for is to be unobtrusive.

[waterotter.livejournal.com]

It seems to me that if you can't get people to stop staring at you, maybe you should just take it into account. When you get all the attention, you can just enjoy your basic charisma. When people are honestly nice to you, then they're your friends. And if they're your friends because of that charisma... so what? Do you think that you're being unsporting or something?:)

from the peanut gallery orbiting Pluto....

[elorie.livejournal.com]

Your energy, aura, charisma, IS you. Your body is also you; our bodies are not mere carcasses that haul our intellects around, somehow "not the real us". That mind/body split is a troublesome notion, and essentially false.

But if it works over the internet, it's your character that people like. Also, long-term friends. There are lots of pretty, charismatic people in the world. There are lots of women with big tits (I'm one of them). People don't stick around for that, in the long run. They stick around for character. Deal.

Hello, you don't know me, I'm one of rloveking's friends. Blame her. **grin**

Re: from the peanut gallery orbiting Pluto....

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Oooooh, lovely icon, and no blame needed - hi! :)

I see your point... I just worry. Especially with people that I first meet In Person.

Re: from the peanut gallery orbiting Pluto....

[elorie.livejournal.com]

Ah, "boundary issues". My personal twitch is feeling like an outsider, always, EVEN when I'm actually doing a good job of appearing confident and at the center of things, and EVEN in groups I myself started. Also the "so, you seem nice, I wonder how you're going to abandon me/screw me over? Have a nice day" syndrome.

Re: from the peanut gallery orbiting Pluto....

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Yeah.... our history, or at least the history in our heads, follows us around so much...

[phantom_wolfboy]

Your charisma (if that's what it is) does come through over the internet. I've been attracted to you since . . . hm . . . those AIMs we exchanged back when you were still with James. And i've no idea what you look like.

Do we see you? Of course not. It takes years to learn to see someone as they are, not as your anima/animus projection. But we see more of you than we do of a lot of people, and we still like you.

Am I making sense?

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

*fierce blush*

*hides face*

*hugs*