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So. I had a friend that I considered one of my best friends. And during all the hideous abuse-related trauma that I was mucking through a few months ago, I opened up to him even more than I already had.... was finally able to talk about these things that just made me feel sick and horrible and defective, and he was helping me work through them, in some...alternative...ways. Yes, alternative is semisexual, nothing is nonsexual with me. All via e-mail, though. And I was talking about some seriously awful stuff.
As some of you know, one of those e-mails was intercepted, and an anonymous asshole threatened to send it to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
yendi. So I talked to Adam about everything, and we began to work through it. And the asshole later did send him the e-mail, which he deleted unread.
None of this is what this entry is about. :)
I've been feeling for a while that this friend was really playing me... though it's hard to tell via e-mail, so of course I assumed that all the weirdness was on my side. Until finally, yesterday, I confronted him on it (the "honest" e-mail I posted about yesterday). I expected him to storm off in a huff. What I did *not* expect was to have *everything* I've ever revealed to be thrown.in.my.face.
Everything that I told him that was deeply personal, everything that I'd never told anyone before, everything that made me feel like a monster, got spit in my face last night. Vindictively. He's trying to manipulate me to believe that I was the one who started it, even... when he's the one that led me into it. Everything he's ever said has been a lie in the hopes of someday fucking me, and now that it's crystal clear that he never will (yes, he was still holding out hope even though he *knows* Adam is my soulmate), he's using my deepest most horrible secrets to attack me.
The attack just came out of nowhere, and I felt absolutely gut-punched, nearly to the point of a panic attack, when I read his e-mail.... I ended up spending half the night sobbing hysterically that someone who said he loved me was capable of twisting the knife like this. Not pretty crying. Huge whooping sobs that woke Elayna up and left me nearly unable to breathe. I couldn't believe this was happening, that this person could turn on me so completely.
Finally forced myself to walk away from the computer (after removing him from all of my mailing lists) when Ken called (at my request). Talked to Ken for about an hour, and he got me through it..... *hugs* to Ken - thanks again, hon.
So this morning I got another e-mail from this guy.... and, as I read it... it becomes *completely* clear to me that this guy has *never listened to a word I said that wasn't about sex*.
He accused me of wanting him as a scapegoat because my friends were sick of hearing me rant about James and I needed someone new to hate.
Um. Aside from saying that James is likely the person sending those e-mails - when's the last time I ranted about James? And "needing someone to hate"? Umm, no. I don't hate *anyone*. Hell, I don't hate my rapist! This is because I don't *want* to have hate inside me, it's a destructive emotion - I don't want to be someone who hates. He should know all of this - we'd talked about it at length.yendi is my witness. This guy could not have been listening.
He said that I have fucked-up relationships with Adam, my friends, and my parents.
Umm, no. This is *totally* him projecting. Adam? Adam is my soulmate. He and I are incredibly happy together, like pinch-me-this-can't-be-real happy. My friends? I miss those of you who live in FL, but I'm keeping in touch and can't wait to see you in June, and I still feel really close to you all even though I don't get to see you in person as often - and, slowly but surely, I'm making some really good friends up here. My parents? My *parents*?!? My relationship with them is the best it's ever been! Hell, two days ago, my mother told me she was proud of me! So yes, again with the not listening.
And the capper - he said that I need someone to blame for my problems, so he guesses I've chosen him.
WTF?
Okay. Y'all know me. Not only do I blame myself for all of my problems,I blame myself for everyone else's problems, too! I have full-on Jewish guilt. Everything that happened to me? My fault. Elayna breaking her arm last Christmas - my fault - I somehow should've been able to run outside at superspeed and catch her. Okay, I know that it still would've happened if I was standing right next to her, but still, I feel the guilt. Things that happened before I was born? My fault. If god forbiddarkmattr should die young, it's my fault for not nagging him to go to the doctor enough.
How can anyone who knows *anything* about me think that I place blame elsewhere? Seriously?
The only times he ever listened to me were when I was talking about sex. This clarifies everything, and it makes me feel so much better.... it makes me aware that, this time - it is *not* my fault.
I'm going to have a lot of trouble trusting people for a while. I do every time trust bites me in the ass. But I always recover, and I will this time, too.
And something to remember, which is probably good advice for all of you as well: If a person only has one real friend - you - there's probably a reason for that. And it usually means that all of their other friends have run screaming.
As some of you know, one of those e-mails was intercepted, and an anonymous asshole threatened to send it to
yendi. So I talked to Adam about everything, and we began to work through it. And the asshole later did send him the e-mail, which he deleted unread.None of this is what this entry is about. :)
I've been feeling for a while that this friend was really playing me... though it's hard to tell via e-mail, so of course I assumed that all the weirdness was on my side. Until finally, yesterday, I confronted him on it (the "honest" e-mail I posted about yesterday). I expected him to storm off in a huff. What I did *not* expect was to have *everything* I've ever revealed to be thrown.in.my.face.
Everything that I told him that was deeply personal, everything that I'd never told anyone before, everything that made me feel like a monster, got spit in my face last night. Vindictively. He's trying to manipulate me to believe that I was the one who started it, even... when he's the one that led me into it. Everything he's ever said has been a lie in the hopes of someday fucking me, and now that it's crystal clear that he never will (yes, he was still holding out hope even though he *knows* Adam is my soulmate), he's using my deepest most horrible secrets to attack me.
The attack just came out of nowhere, and I felt absolutely gut-punched, nearly to the point of a panic attack, when I read his e-mail.... I ended up spending half the night sobbing hysterically that someone who said he loved me was capable of twisting the knife like this. Not pretty crying. Huge whooping sobs that woke Elayna up and left me nearly unable to breathe. I couldn't believe this was happening, that this person could turn on me so completely.
Finally forced myself to walk away from the computer (after removing him from all of my mailing lists) when Ken called (at my request). Talked to Ken for about an hour, and he got me through it..... *hugs* to Ken - thanks again, hon.
So this morning I got another e-mail from this guy.... and, as I read it... it becomes *completely* clear to me that this guy has *never listened to a word I said that wasn't about sex*.
He accused me of wanting him as a scapegoat because my friends were sick of hearing me rant about James and I needed someone new to hate.
Um. Aside from saying that James is likely the person sending those e-mails - when's the last time I ranted about James? And "needing someone to hate"? Umm, no. I don't hate *anyone*. Hell, I don't hate my rapist! This is because I don't *want* to have hate inside me, it's a destructive emotion - I don't want to be someone who hates. He should know all of this - we'd talked about it at length.
yendi is my witness. This guy could not have been listening.He said that I have fucked-up relationships with Adam, my friends, and my parents.
Umm, no. This is *totally* him projecting. Adam? Adam is my soulmate. He and I are incredibly happy together, like pinch-me-this-can't-be-real happy. My friends? I miss those of you who live in FL, but I'm keeping in touch and can't wait to see you in June, and I still feel really close to you all even though I don't get to see you in person as often - and, slowly but surely, I'm making some really good friends up here. My parents? My *parents*?!? My relationship with them is the best it's ever been! Hell, two days ago, my mother told me she was proud of me! So yes, again with the not listening.
And the capper - he said that I need someone to blame for my problems, so he guesses I've chosen him.
WTF?
Okay. Y'all know me. Not only do I blame myself for all of my problems,I blame myself for everyone else's problems, too! I have full-on Jewish guilt. Everything that happened to me? My fault. Elayna breaking her arm last Christmas - my fault - I somehow should've been able to run outside at superspeed and catch her. Okay, I know that it still would've happened if I was standing right next to her, but still, I feel the guilt. Things that happened before I was born? My fault. If god forbid
darkmattr should die young, it's my fault for not nagging him to go to the doctor enough.How can anyone who knows *anything* about me think that I place blame elsewhere? Seriously?
The only times he ever listened to me were when I was talking about sex. This clarifies everything, and it makes me feel so much better.... it makes me aware that, this time - it is *not* my fault.
I'm going to have a lot of trouble trusting people for a while. I do every time trust bites me in the ass. But I always recover, and I will this time, too.
And something to remember, which is probably good advice for all of you as well: If a person only has one real friend - you - there's probably a reason for that. And it usually means that all of their other friends have run screaming.
no subject
On some specific notes:
I've been saying he was a shit for a while, but I honestly had no idea he was capable of sinking to these depths.
And I've sure as hell seen you blame yourself for everything, as has he. Shouldn't be any question about it.
As for venting about James, since when have any of us gotten sick of it when you've needed to vent? Hell, just the phrase "calculator watch" throws most of us into giggles.
Oh, and
Again, I love you, and am here for you. *hug*
no subject
yes.
and to He Who Shall Remain Nameless, if he reads this:
Fuck You. with extreme predjudice.
Re: yes.
Damn, I love that movie.
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'Song, as a mother and as someone who feels "sick and horrible and defective," you have to have a lot of strength and deal with a lot of crappy things. And you do it, every day. You get through.
I admire you.
And I'm very sorry you have to rub elbows with selfish idiots.
no subject
And I'm lucky to have a really strong and wonderful support person in Adam....
I'm not old.
Re: I'm not old.
Re: I'm not old.
Re: I'm not old.
Elayna made me do it!
Re: I'm not old.
Dagnabbit.
Now that I have an SO, though, it'd be really nice to have a close [and local] female friend. (My titular 'best friend' is states away and not in a whole lot of contact.)
Oh well.
Hang in there. You are one amazing woman. =)
Re: Dagnabbit.
And thank you.. *hugs*
Re: Dagnabbit.
I'm just a little quirky.
Re: Dagnabbit.
no subject
Don't blame yourself for his behaviour, okay? You trusted him and he turned out to be unworthy of that trust. That wasn't your fault.
Randall
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