D/s update

[shadesong]

So yendi and I have been talking a lot about boundaries and expectations... and we've gotten a lot of offers to help, several of which are being considered. I've also been doing a lot of talking with my Dom friends... helping to clarify exactly what I need, so I can modify things to fit yendi's boundaries.

We've got a lot of good ideas, and I think things are going to work out just fine. :)

To all who've offered us support and ideas, thanks so much - we're going to keep leaning on you/harassing you. :) But I feel really good about the path we're on. :) I'm the luckiest girl in the world...

Comments

[chrisv.livejournal.com]

Hugs! I'm really happy for you both, sweetheart. You seem like really good people! :-)

[skylion.livejournal.com]

i have read some of your journals of the past and the issues kinda confuse me. would like to understand this more so that I can be more supportive of my new friends. don't mean to be nosy. but these things look like they caused you alot more pain than you could handle. i hope you both can find the answers together. jealous of both of you. ;-)

tyler

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Do you have any specific questions?

These things are confusing... I'm still trying to figure stuff out!

Re:

[skylion.livejournal.com]

there is nothing more confusing than to try to explain something you are confused about yourself. i guess the main thing that concerns me is your need to have more than just one partner. i am not going to judge your polyamory, if it works for you and helps you understand yourself better, than take it for what it is worth. that, and your need for submissivness.
sometimes i wonder why i am so concerned about this. i think it is something in your home situation that rings with me. mother, child, and a man (not the child's father, not the husband) working together and making a family. I did the same for awhile before kerri and I were married. it is a very special, yet fragile, set of relationships. I am pulling for you guys. and i know that a happy parent can raise a happy child. not that you aren't happy, but you do seem to be lost in this situation. maybe I just overthink it too much. anyway. if I can help with anything. give me a buzz. my email and IM stuff is in my userinfo. take care, be well.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Yeah, the poly thing is difficult to explain to people who aren't poly! But I'm not looking for a poly relationship - just a way to get my needs met...

Re:

[skylion.livejournal.com]

is one SO capable of doing that in your life? I don't know much about him, but by just reading his journal, and yours, Yendi is in the enviable postition of having a wonderful person in his life. And I evny you as well. Keep posting, asking, and harrasing. I won't tear you down.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

yendi is my heart. He's my soulmate. He's amazing and wonderful. :) But he's not Dom. So I'm trying to find a (hopefull not-too-sexual) way to get these needs taken care of.

Re:

[skylion.livejournal.com]

best of luck, to you.

[aurora-lamour.livejournal.com]

This statement SO explains my situation with my husband right now!

[deza.livejournal.com]

YAY! I'm so happy you two are getting things worked out! {hugs}

Yeah!

[wolfieboy.livejournal.com]

cindygerb and I frequently negotiate boundaries based on how we feel and the people involved. I'm glad that things are working out in this arena.

It's a common occurrence for Cindy to say "I'm a lucky boy." and I say "I'm a lucky girl".

Re: Yeah!

[yendi]

*nod* One of the items on the list of boundaries I'm working on is that we revisit them a lot, for both of our sakes. I've also been doing some talking and searching on the web for options/opinions on how to go about this. Not easy, since it's not like there's a nice "so, you're monogamous and mostly vanilla and your SO is poly and sub, and you want to figure out both of your boundaries and make the relationship work" faq. Which I don't get, since it's an obvious question. :-)

Re: Yeah!

[tanaise.livejournal.com]

I could swear I saw a Keep It Simple Stupid manual to that recently...

Re: Yeah!

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

There does seem to be a FAQ for everything else. :)

Re: Yeah!

[chelona.livejournal.com]

Re-negotiating is a valuable part of any agreement. Things change, people change, opinions change. And it is very important to keep that in mind when making any sort of boundary setting.

Paul and I have a set of rules for our polyness (again, I know it is not 100% applicable to this situation, but bear with me), and part of those rules are the rules on how to change the rules.

I would still love to get a chance to talk to you guys about this issue. It is just something that is SO important to me that I feel the need to share any advice or assistance I can with people going through similar situations.

Re: Yeah!

[deza.livejournal.com]

If you don't mind me asking, how do you handle being poly with kids? When my ex first brought up the idea, one of my first concerns was how the kids' lives would be affected by it.

Re: Yeah!

[chelona.livejournal.com]

That is a pretty involved question. But having kids does touch on alot of poly issues. Here is my two cents worth, and please feel free to IM me (my IDs are in my profile) if you have other questions. I LOVE to talk about this subject, probably too much. :)

Time: The biggest issue is time. We just flat out don't have alot of time to be dating wtih the time constraints of having a small child.

Committment: Like any single parent who is dating, one issue is making sure that the people our daughter becomes really close with are ones who are going to stick around. So we don't want to just introduce her to all the people we date, unless they are already friends (and already know her) or we think that the relationship is somewhat serious.

Babysitting: In our rules is the idea that one parent is not going to be stuck babysitting for the other parent out on a date. So we have a babysitting rule that says that if the other spouse is not just dying to stay home and be with Maddie that night, and if you can't find a babysitter, you don't go.

I am sure I am forgetting alot, and I don't exactly know which aspect you were asking about in the first place. So feel free to IM me or email me and ask me more questions about this issue.

Re: Yeah!

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

We really would love to talk to you about this... *hugs* thanks! :)

Re: Yeah!

[chelona.livejournal.com]

Maybe we should arrange to come over or meet for dinner somewhere/sometime? Would love to see you guys again.

Re: Yeah!

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Sure! Just let me know when you're available. :)

Re: Yeah!

[chelona.livejournal.com]

Any evening this week other than tonight. Thursday is a little iffy. Monday-Thursday next week I am out of town in Toronto.

You?

Re: Yeah!

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Hm. Don't know! Tonight and Thursday are occupied. I think yendi is working on Friday night. :(

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Saturday's Movie Night - maybe you two could stick around after the others leave?

Re:

[chelona.livejournal.com]

Hmmm...that could work if we get a babysitter. But I thought the idea of having it end early was to get Yendi to bed early, not to have us sit around talking heavy subjects for a while. :)

But yeah, we will certainly be awake for several hours after your Movie Night ends, so it is up to you guys, and our availability of babysitters or sleeping baby at your house.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

True. I guess this is all up to yendi...

Re:

[chelona.livejournal.com]

Yep. Let us know. We can do either later on sat evening, or sun evening after the picnic. Either is fine. :)

See you guys this weekend!

Re: Yeah!

[chelona.livejournal.com]

I would say sat evening, but I read your thing on Movie Night, so that is out. :)

How about sun evening? After 6:30ish (since we have a doula reunion to go to that afternoon)?

Re: Yeah!

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

yendi is working on Sunday, don't know til when - but I'll let you know! :)

Re: Yeah!

[chelona.livejournal.com]

Paul might have to too. :( He is supposed to work this weekend, but is working on switching it with another weekend. But even if he has to work this weekend it would only be standard 9-5, and he would be still trying to get out early on sunday for our doula picnic from 3:30-6.

So yeah, we might also be late for Movie Night.

Re: Yeah!

[voltbang.livejournal.com]

That is a very hard combo. The question is obvious, but the answer isn't. You at least have the communication part down pat. From there it's just a matter of figuring out how to meet enough of both of your needs that no one is hurt too terribly.

I've been poly for a long time, and have at times been poly and BDSMy. If there's any help I can be, let me know.

[nukewolf.livejournal.com]

I'm thrilled you're getting a handle on this with yendi. Yeah, you really can't communicate too much with poly-type stuff. If you're looking for info and/or FAQs, you might want to check out the Polyamory website (http://www.polyamory.org). If any place had the info you're looking for, that'd probably be it. :)

[m0usegrrl.livejournal.com]

i've checked out that website myself, at the suggestion of my sweetie phantom_wolfboy, who's poly and trying to help me sort it all out. lots of good information there indeed...