Adjustments

[shadesong]

I've been monogamous for two years now.

Before yendi, I was very, very sexual... in my day-to-day life, not just on LJ. I've been described as having a sexual aura.

This got me in trouble a lot. Not "In Trouble". Just, there were people that I thought were just friends, that had fallen for me. And pretty much everyone wanted me. Except darkmattr. Who really did, but refuses to admit it. :)

And, being poly, I played. Of course I played. A lot.

So. yendi. My soulmate. Monogamous.

This has been an adjustment.

The main adjustment? I've toned my sexual behavior, my aura or pheremones or whatever, down almost to the point of nonexistence.

And it almost physically hurts. I swear, it feels like Chinese footbinding. I'm b ound, restricted.

And people don't react to me the same way anymore. And I'm not used to getting the reaction, or lack of reaction, that I get now. I used to be Helen of Troy. Now I'm like Helen Moskowitz from Boca Raton, with the arthritic knees and big tacky magen david.

But seriously.

This, combined with the weight gain, has made me feel not just unsexy, but ugly. And depressed. And I just don't know how to *deal* with this, because I never have before. That's something that's come up from childhood... I don't know how to deal with things in a nonsexual manner. And I can't deal with them in a sexual manner anymore.

So. No actual resolution here. Just a wretched little girl rambling with migraine halo. Thank you, drive through.

Comments

[michaelnolan.livejournal.com]

I know exactly what you're talking about. There room in that boat for two?

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Just enough, if you don't mind me in your lap....

Hey, old habits die hard.


‡

Re:

[michaelnolan.livejournal.com]

and so will I, I fear.

*chuckle*

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

There are worse ways to go. ;)

Re:

[michaelnolan.livejournal.com]

I want to have an olde style wake, not a blue ball. *grin*

[darkmattr.livejournal.com]

I know this sounds like total bullshit, but people want what they can't have a lot more then what they can. If anything it makes you more desirable.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

You couldn't prove it by my experiences of the past few years...


@

[darkmattr.livejournal.com]

Tell me that after you've spent as long a time monogomous

[technomom]

I didn't mind being monogamous with husband v.2 after being poly. I did mind the expectation that I not flirt, no not at all, none not ever. That was much more difficult, because it completely changed the way I interacted with people.

So, yendi doesn't mind the flirting, on LJ and elsewhere, at least? That's a good thing.

But just so you know, you're still really sexy. I promise. And I don't even have to meet you in person to know that, because you come across that way even in pure ASCII.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

He doesn't mind the flirting, but I'm always so hyperaware these days, constantly trying not to flirt *too* much... I have no boundaries, sexually, and I'm trying to be really mindful of his boundaries, and I don't always know exactly what they are until I've crossed them. So I've been restraining myself a lot (and not in the fun bdsm way either!).

And thank you - you're really good for my self-esteem! :)

[stronae.livejournal.com]

Heh. This might be considered stretching, but this is one of those that falls under Riva's principle: turning disadvantage into advantage. How? Well, now that you're not relating to people sexually anymore, you get to relate in some other way entirely. It probably won't be as much fun, but it definitely answers the question "if there wasn't this sexual component, what do [person] and I have?" Now, at least, any new friendships, and most old friendships, are going to die away quickly if there isn't anything else to them. Think of it as a cleaning of house.

Of course, it doesn't help that this usericon could be stretched to be considered a giant clitoris. :O :| :)

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

This is indeed Very True....

You're one of the few remaining people I can be sexy with, btw. :)


–

[bellacrow.livejournal.com]

go read my friend dangerine

She was in the same boat. Later figured out that they never discussed how many ways she connected to others, and that she shut down on all levels when it wasnt required of her.


Monogamy can be so different from person to person, is the flirting? the actual sex? the emotional intimacy? the connecting, etc.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

I'll check her out!

At this point, I'm still trying to figure out what it is... this is literally the first time in my life that I'm not shagging anything that moves. So it's tough to pinpoint these things. :)

[bellacrow.livejournal.com]

question:

what were you using the sex for? To get off? to make emotional connections? to find affection? to experience love? to be admired? to get attention?

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Honestly? Pretty much all of the above. It was validation, for me; my self esteem was wrapped up in whether people wanted to fuck me.

Let it never be said that I'm not brutally honest with myself...

[iroshi.livejournal.com]

I don't seem to have the problem with lots of people, so long as at least *one* person wants me. I had enough years of being needed, you see; now I want to be WANTED. And I realize it's an unreasonable fear, that if Chris doesn't want to sleep with me with at least a certain frequency, that he doesn't want or love me...but it's there, nonetheless.

I do still like the little evidences that other people find me attractive, though I really don't flirt with guys. My guy-radar has been forcibly turned off (Chris, being the very straight and naturally monogamous guy that he is, can't stand the idea of me being with another man, though he has no problem with women) but it still gives me a happy to be told, for instance, how many guys were drooling over me when I was dancing at The Church. :) I'd rather hear there were women looking, of course (*sigh*) but it still makes me feel good about myself to know that guys were watching, that they think there's something worth watching about ME. It's...a new sensation. Spent sooooo many years wearing "modest" clothing, you see. (Hell, I even wore a headcovering for two years.) The idea of other people being interested in ogling me is...it's like this rush of power inside. Don't know how to explain it better than that.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

I'm accustomed to everyone wanting me. Which sounds conceited, but really it's not - I'm not pretty, it's all the aura thingie. So going down to just one person wanting me is weird.

And I love it when guys drool over me while dancing, too. :) It *is* a rush...

And I'd pretty definitely be ogling you if I knew you in person. :)

Re:

[iroshi.livejournal.com]

I'm accustomed to everyone wanting me. Which sounds conceited, but really it's not - I'm not pretty, it's all the aura thingie.

Well, I'm the opposite. I had to forcibly confront my mental idea of *not* being pretty by realizing, some time last year, that there's never been a time when I couldn't have gotten a date. Which, when I realized that, really made me think, and come to terms with the fact that I *must*, in fact, be pretty, or why have I always had guys when I wanted them? I had my first boyfriend when I was 8, for goodness' sake. I've *always* had boyfriends. They weren't always drop-dead gorgeous, 'cause I'm far more interested in the inside than the outside, and most gorgeous people are vain and shallow, at least while growing up. On the other hand, my first fiance looked *decidedly* like Keifer Sutherland, so obviously he was very good looking. Still makes Chris nervous, in fact, because he thinks he's not as good looking as the previous guys I've been with...but *I* think he looks like a red-headed Kevin Smith! :)

And I'd pretty definitely be ogling you if I knew you in person. :)

*sigh* And my prohibition against guys extends to women who are married or in a committed relationship with a male. (It's Chris' phobia, not mine, and I love him enough to live with his restrictions.) *sigh* There will definitely be flirting going on, though, when we meet! Whooooooo!

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Ooooh! Kevin Smith's a hottie.

And yes, there will be flirting aplenty...

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Tell him he's not alone... *wry smile*

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

!!!!!

*fierce hugs*

Thank you. :)