hey, shadesong, why do you give a shit what the other moms think?

[shadesong]

Taking a break from the frantic, almost-tear-inducing cleaning.

I know I've built myself up as being the kind of person who doesn't give a shit what anyone else thinks. So why do I care so much about the house being perfect for tomorrow? About *me* being perfect for tomorrow?

I want to be perfect for Elayna.

I grew up with an emotionally distant mother and a physically distant father. I had no role models. My entire model of societal behavior was my abuser. I didn't interact much with other kids, I didn't have a normal life, you know this already.

I grew up weird. And not a conscious, nonconformist weird, but an uncomfortable weird, the weird of not knowing what to do. Like, ever. Of not understanding societal boundaries. Of always being out of step and feeling out of place. And in times like this, in gatherings of normal grownups, I get scared that my up-fucked-ness shows, like a slip hanging out of the bottom of a dress. Like they'll walk in and see the dust bunny I didn't see and do the heavy sigh and head-shake my mom does. Or that I'll babble and they'll look askance at me.

And I want Elayna to have what I didn't. I want her to have a normal mom, a cool mom, a mom who does Girl Scouts with her and bakes for the bake sales and is involved in the school and her life. And I don't know how to be that person, I haven't the faintest idea, and every time I try I'm scared of being laughed at by the normal moms.

I'm never going to fit in with the other moms. I just wish I knew when I wasn't fitting in, or if I knew *how* I wasn't fitting in, I could maybe get comfortable with it. But situations like tomorrow are societal minefields for me.

I need a hug. And a maid.


†

Comments

[ilexx.livejournal.com]

*psssst* - there's no such thing as "normal."

and i think you're awesome, and i'm positive Elayna does too. just the fact that you're CONSCIOUS about parenting is an amazing and rare thing in today's society.

and i don't think i'll be able to make it tomorrow :( i'm going to do some music-watching, which is kind of a study type of leisure activity... but i'll likely be there next time! *blink* and possibly roleplaying next week?

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

*lipquiver* I'm in ilexx withdrawal!

[piratejenny.livejournal.com]

Hug! Can't help with the maid bit though. Don't put quite as much stress on yourself to be The Perfect Mom though. I'm sure Elayna will forgive you your faults.

[branwynelf.livejournal.com]

::here's a hug::

and here's something you need to know ... even those of us who grew up with "normal" parents (ok, mine aren't all that normal, per se, but normal in the sense you're talking about) go through the same fears and issues when meeting with other parents. i never feel normal or right or part of the crowd. but part of that is because we ARE different. we're not normal mainstream, and we're not bland. we think, we have passions outside the mainstream, we push our boundaries. and that's good for our kids to see ... and i think, good for other parents kids to see too ;)

::another hug::

[elorie.livejournal.com]

**hug**

They all feel weird, too. There is not a human being in this world who doesn't feel freaky about being a parent. The responsibility, the mind-consuming work and emotion of it. The ones who don't feel it overtly are the ones who've withdrawn and are in the most danger of screwing up. Basically, if you feel overwhelmed by being a parent, you're doing it right :/

You're a braver soul than me, I must say. I mostly hang out with other freak parents, uh conscious-mothering-alternative-parenting types, because I'm easily sent over the edge by the way Muggles interact with their children.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

I don't really know any other freak parents! Wish I did...


4

Re:

[elorie.livejournal.com]

well, there's an e-mail list on yahoogroups, it's atlantahipmamas@yahoogroup.com I'm on there, as are a couple of my LJ friends :)

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Oooh, just joined - thanks!


õ

[voltbang.livejournal.com]

ah-hem

excuse me!

Look over here!

Ok, you don't really really know us, but you know us a little. We look real normal but it's just a stealth coating. Honest.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Oh, hi! *waves* Yeah, I have you guys, which is cool, but I want people with kids around Elayna's age, too....

[voltbang.livejournal.com]

We can't help you there, but we can be wierd and sympathise and all that.

Oh, if you didn't find a space for your troop yet, the church is the Unitarian Univaersalist congregation of atlanta. www.uuca.org

[chelona.livejournal.com]

Oo Oo *raises hand* (Welcome Back Kotter flashback)

There are LOTS of "alt" families, lots with kids around her age. I even taught some of them in RE the last few years. (I didn't teach last year, but the two years before I taught first and second grade).

[voltbang.livejournal.com]

Oh right, including the big poly family.

Re:

[chelona.livejournal.com]

We know at least two poly couples with kids, several pagan families with children around her age, and your basic run of the mill strange people. :)

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

*meep* We're not really churchgoing types....

Re:

[chelona.livejournal.com]

I was just commenting that it is a good way to meet "alternate" families (bdsm, poly, pagan, new age, etc) with children. There are LOTS of them there. All great people.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

We'll check them out - thanks!


§

[ilexx.livejournal.com]

ps - (hug)

[maltor.livejournal.com]

*hug* You'll do perfectly fine tomorrow. Just remember that normal is whatever you want to make it. So what if someone sees an errant dust-bunny. Unless they're comming from a large house with a 3 person cleaning staff, they won't give it a second thought.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

*small voice* Some of them probably are coming from that. And many of the moms in this area are stay-at-home moms; their houses are probably way cleaner than mine!


J

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

*hugs* It does help - especially from you, you're such a cool mom!

normal?

[catalyxt.livejournal.com]

Well, I can help out with the hug part of that, but the maid (*cough* that would be me--*brandishing featherduster*) has to clean *my* apt. tonight.

I have yet to meet a perfect parent, and frankly, the proverbial perfect parent probably wouldn't be too good for their kid. In fact, they can be nearly as damaging as "bad" parents in some ways.

Bottom line: you love Elayna, she loves you, and even if she may resent you occasionally she'll still probably tell her friends that you're the coolest mom ever. Odds are that they'll agree. When she gets older..probably even now, she'll realize what you're trying to do for her and love you even more for the effort, because it's obvious you're doing it out of love for her.

As for the other moms...well, they're probably just as nervous. All those normal moms, well, what do you want to bet that at least some of them are thinking in the back of their heads "I want to be a better mom to my kid than mine was to me" or "I won't make the same mistakes my parents did" ? It may be to a different degree than for you and they may be coming with different or fewer scars, but at the core they're there because they love their kid and feel an obligation to "do right" for them....just like you.

So, see, you may have a bit more in common with those normal moms than you thought... Good luck with tomorrow. :) *hug*

Re: normal?

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Thanks so much. :)



l

[ariedana.livejournal.com]

You are that mom. The rest is just dressing. Remember that and remember that the moms who are coming tomorrow are no better than you, at all.

[kk1raven.livejournal.com]

I can send hugs, but a maid is beyond my abilities. If someone knows how to send one, please send me one too, because my house is a horrible mess.

I think Elayna already has the perfect mom and I don't think a "normal mom" is exactly desirable. Have you watched how "normal" parents treat their kids?

And I wouldn't worry about the house being perfect either. If any of the moms view you poorly over something like a dust bunny you missed, then you don't need to have their good opinion anyway. In my experience, apart from my mother, most people don't go around examining other people's houses for perfection in house-keeping skills.

[bob-dot-com.livejournal.com]

Proof is in the pudding.

Look at your kid.

[yendi]

This is exactly what I said to 'song. See? I'm channelling Bob!

[onceupon.livejournal.com]

*hug*

Elayna has an AWESOME mom.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

*hugs* back... :)


h

[tikimama.livejournal.com]

:::hugs:::

I have nothing useful on the parenting front, being a non-parent myself.

But I can speak from the kid front, being as I was one. My mom is wierd--she wasn't like the moms of my friends (who where all very proper, upper class twits who wore linens and didn't work). She was artistic and flamboyant and went to school and at times, yes, embarassed me when she was loud. And all my friends adored her. She was the most popular mother. Everyone who came to my parties wasn't there for me, but for her. (I didn't care, I was happy to have friends any way I could--obviously, Elayna does better).

She wasn't always popular with the other mothers--jealousy, and because as I got older, my friends occasionally lived with us--but she was the best mom ever. My best friend often through out the old "Joyce isn't like this" argument at her parents. My mom is very social, though, so she even managed to win them over.

I'll bet that you are that mom with Elayna and her friends (or will be, when they get a bit older). Just be yourself. The kids will love you for it, and the moms will, too. If they don't, they're jealous and mean. :P

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

*small voice* Can your mom adopt me?

[metaphorge.livejournal.com]

You're better than perfect... you're 'Song

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

*hugs*


y

[desu.livejournal.com]

the weird of not knowing what to do

You've summed up how I feel most times perfectly. It's kinda cool how one can wrestle with such a big emotional thing like that with no idea how to express it and someone else comes along and says what one has always wanted to say in a single sentence.

I can understand that desire to fit in with the perceived "normal" people because I still deal with that same desire myself from time to time. Quite frankly, though, it's just not worth the stress trying to fit yourself in their mold. By all means, clean your home, but $10 says they have some dust bunnies and other not-so-clean things floating around their home as well. In other words, don't worry about it. You're doing just fine. :)

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

"It's kinda cool how one can wrestle with such a big emotional thing like that with no idea how to express it and someone else comes along and says what one has always wanted to say in a single sentence."

Heh. One kinda-malformed sentence, at that...




[desu.livejournal.com]

I think mine needs a comma somewhere. ;)

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Heh. I was referring to mine, but hey, we're none of us perfect...


°

[voltbang.livejournal.com]

I have a hug, and a maid. I can give you the hug, but you have to pay for the maid :) Hmm. When's your birthdy?


Some of the wierd parents rings a bell. My mother was semi-normal, but my father was an alchoholic, he was emotionally distant, he cheated, he took heavy travel responsibilities at work to avoid his family, he was a compulsive gambler, and I think he has some sort of social anxiety thingy. Us wierdos gotta support each other. I'm famiar with the wanting different for your kids thing. I so badly want Maddie to feel connected to me and Becky, and to understand how to interact with human beings and stuff.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Heh. Birthday's in March. :)


t

[chelona.livejournal.com]

I can give you a hug when I see you tommrow. As for the maid, all I can do is recommend our maid. He is GREAT! And not that expensive (at least in our scheme of things). And like Paul said, when is your birthday? I think Scotti would love to do something like a birthday present...

[skylion.livejournal.com]

Don't let it bother you too much. I felt much the same way. The need to show my children the need for caring for your home. And to let them know there are some things you can't let slide. The best way to teach them responsibility is by your actions. If you take pride in yourself and your home, chances are great they will too. If you take pride in them, they will be proud of themselves.

Mothers are wonderful persons.

::hug::, when do you want me to show up with the broom and dustpan?

Chiming in late, but still heartfelt

[la-belledame.livejournal.com]

My daughter is watching My Neighbor Totoro right now, and probably wouldn't be if it hadn't been for you.

You are, I think, the primary person who has kept me from being a run of the mill mom. You have been a parenting inspiration for years. You are The Mom.

And you know what? Stay at home moms don't necessarily have cleaner houses or smoother lives. The living room carpet still sprouts sock nuggets (thank you tanaise) and stray legos, books breed in the stacks next to the beds and dirty clothes proliferate in the bathroom.

Now. Which would you rather have Elayna say to her friends when she is grown:

"My mom was such a good housekeeper! I never even knew what a dust bunny was until I went to college!"

or

"My mom was so cool! She did all these interesting things with me and we read the best books and saw cool movies and I hope if I'm a mom, I'm just like her."

*HUGS

Re: Chiming in late, but still heartfelt

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

You gave me teariness with this and I'm saving it forever.

*fierce hugs*