Sex!

[shadesong]

So! The sexual state of the 'song!

My relationship with volta was extremely sexually restrictive. For a year, I wasn't allowed to be even mildly sexual with anyone but one other person, and only mildly sexual with him.

I was talking with a friend recently about a guy who was interested in me. The friend suggested that I tell the guy that I'm not interested in sex without a relationship (I'd said I didn't want a relationship). I said, "Well, I don't know if I am or not! I don't remember if I was or not before, honestly, and this year has changed me. I don't know what I want."

I do know that I'm not interested in having a Relationship with anyone new. Blessing of LJ: I can announce that here, and hopefully the people who need to hear it will hear it, because I've been being approached, and honestly, I don't know how to deal with that. I'm still the dorky girl in the back of the classroom. I'm not quite sure how to deal with interest that isn't reciprocated.

At the same time, I'm a very sexual person - and I can be a very mercurial person. I may totally want to do you today, but that interest may not be there next week - and that's not you, that's me. The raunchiness, it ebbs and flows like the tides.

And I want to be playful with people; I want to tell the people that I fantasized about the other day that I fantasized about them. In one case, I *know* they'll* love that. In the other, I'm pretty sure. But I don't want to get anyone's hopes up. Because they may not be inhabiting my fantasy world next week, let alone next time I see them, and I'm particularly worried about one of them getting attached and then getting hurt.

I hate that I have to be this guarded. But I very much do not want to hurt anyone's feelings.

Gah.

Am I making sense?


(* I'm not playing the pronoun game. That was a two-person fantasy.)

Comments

Yes, you are making sense.

[hasfartogo.livejournal.com]

I find I am hornier just after my period so I know most of the raunchiness is due in part to hormones and reading porn. And I am finding as I get older I seem to be hornier. Does this help you feel better?

[tinhuviel.livejournal.com]

It makes perfect sense, but realise that, if someone is keen on having something or someone, they may not *hear* the truth of a situation, instead choosing to maintain a level of fantasy and pursue their goal despite all indications they shouldn't. If that happens, at least you can take comfort in the fact that you stated your position from the beginning and any hurt that may be felt is the responsibility of the person who refused to listen.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

*sigh* Yeah.... still difficult, when that happens.

I find it difficult to be firm enough. I've been better at it lately, but I think that being with volta had strengthened that... people knew that I needed permission and that permission was Not Easily Granted, so expectations were lower. Now, I feel more pressure - and it's not that individual people are going high-pressure on me, it's just that a bunch of people are going low-to-medium-pressure, and lo, I am overwhelmed, and lo, I go "meep!"

[miintikwa.livejournal.com]

OMGWTFBBQ!

Are you reading my mind?

Part of the Stuff that I can't talk about in LJ (because it would so generate DRAMA and I am not going there) is that I am a person who used to have sex with friends. Just sex. No relationship, no expectations, just 'hey, I'm horny, wanna fuck?' 'Sure! I'll be over in 15 mins.'

One of the friendships I had about 6 months ago involved a person I wanted. BAD. But didn't want to be in a relationship with. She was kind of weird when it came to that- I just wanted to boink her brains out and then be friends. She couldn't handle that.

AGH! I want a girlthing. I want a girl who is a friend that I can fuck like mad and who won't get psycho hosebeastie on me. (It'd be nice if she'd be into my hubby, too- I would SO love a threesome with him. But really. I need a girlthing. He has one, and isn't bi.)

No Relationship. No Poly crap. Just fuck me and go home. Kthxbye.

(Or should that be kthxbi? *giggle*)

The problem is that I am so guarded right now because of all the other crap going on it's nearly impossible to open myself to a 'new' friend-with-bennies type relationship, and most of the old friendships are so established they wouldn't survive the paradigm shift- even if the other girl could make said shift.

*sigh* Oh, gee, did I rant? I'm sorry. *hugs*

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

OMGWTFBBQ!

Are you reading my mind?

*falls over laughing*

And as for the rest of your post: Yes. Yes. Yes. Why the hell do you not live in Atlanta?

[ysabel.livejournal.com]

Just sex. No relationship, no expectations, just 'hey, I'm horny, wanna fuck?' 'Sure! I'll be over in 15 mins.'

This behaviour is one of several things that gets many of the people close to me calling me a fairy. I haven't done it a whole lot recently, but that's just circumstances rather than any particular choice.

So, yeah.

[eyes-of-cyrene.livejournal.com]

It makes perfect sense, as I have done the same sort of thing.

Some people cannot quite differentiate between fantasy and reality. And some of those selfsame people get extremely agitated when confronted with reality which contradicts their fantasy.

I've found over the past several years that it's just too easy for people to get attached to me... why this is, I have only half-formed theories. I've learned I have to expect this, and do what I can to avoid entanglements that will result in people getting hurt, badly.

Anyway. Yeah. Understood, and empathized with.

[mgrasso.livejournal.com]

I guess there's some similarity in being single after a long-term relationship (even though it's not really the same thing) and that's what I'm going through right now. I am a pair-bondy type, and "dating" has been a baffling and scary ordeal so far. But I want to do it, which is the weird bit. Even though I hate flirting and dating and catching signals and all that stuff, I find myself saying, "Wow. I haven't done this in like 7 years! This is new!"

So, I'm kind of with you on this. Not exactly the same, but sort of. :)

nag nag nag

[crystalsage.livejournal.com]

Pssst...

Email me with your bracelet size and your address. ;)

Re: nag nag nag

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

6, 6 1/2", address (http://www.livejournal.com/users/shadesong/1829212.html) - thank you, honey! *hug*

[boutell.livejournal.com]

I hear you.

Like mgrasso, I'm sorta pair-bondy by nature, but the longer I'm single, the more comfortable I am with the fact that... well, pair bonding is not what I'm really missin'. I know I'm capable of it and I like it, and that's bound to be a qualification if I meet somebody I want that with who appreciates it. But what I really need right now is probably closer to what you and dayaniera are talking about.

And that's a big ol' mystery zone to me. What if the other person is unrealistic in their expectations? What if I'm unrealistic (dratted heart, where's the defibrillator)? And aren't most people pair-bondy by nature, with a fillip of random infidelitous urges thrown in, and doesn't that mean drama is virtually guaranteed?

Whee! There is great disorder under heaven and the situation is excellent. (Or will be when that scary S-word comes off my personals profile.)

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Me, I guess, I'm pair-bond-oriented with the capacity for numerous simultaneous pair-bonds...

[beowabbit]

Am I making sense?

You are making perfect sense.

Personally, I like living on a planet where everybody’s responsible for their own feelings, and my obligations are to be open and honest and sincere, and not to “take care of” everybody else. (Not that I live there all the time, mind you, but I try.)

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

I just have that strong caretaker instinct, I s'pose... I hate hurting people. Hate, hate, hate.

[regyt.livejournal.com]

You're making perfect sense. For me, it's often that I want to flirt with someone and do fantasize about them sometimes and want to tell them but know perfectly well that I don't actually want to do anything about it with them and want to be sure that they understand that and that we're just both enjoying the flirtation for its own sake.

And to that end, I be Disclaimer Girl extraordinaire.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Exactly. Yes. That.

I should type up disclaimers and hand them out, seriously.

[ysabel.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that, exactly.

[aurora-lamour.livejournal.com]

I have been gone for a while and may have missed it. Are you and volta not together anymore? If this is none of my business, just tell me to butt out.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

We broke up while your LJ was deleted. *laugh*

Totally amicable; no worries. But it's a major change, of course.

[ysabel.livejournal.com]

For the record, should you have passing fantasies about me, I would love to hear about them, and will not be in the slightest hurt if they aren't there a week later.

And yes, you are making sense to me. However, I wouldn't take that too seriously — as far as I can tell I have a very odd worldview when it comes to Things Sexual.

[iroshi.livejournal.com]

Dittoes to this answer, my Shau're, but you already knew that. ^_^

[allichaton.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that definitely makes sense to me. I've been dealing with something similar myself, recently. A good friend of mine who I spend a lot of time with in chat have been very playful and flirty with each other for a while, but I've been in one relationship or another since I met him. When my last relationship went to hell, I started...cooling off towards him, responding with a "hehe" or something when he flirted with me but not really flirting back, because I knew I was at risk of rebounding and didn't want to hurt him. But he grew concerned that suddenly I was so cold and unaffectionate. We ended up talking about things, I told him that I really like the flirting but I'm afraid of giving him the wrong impression, he basically said "the only way that can happen is if you tell me you love me", so things have worked out.

As hard as it is, being honest with people and telling them what you just wrote here is probably the best bet. *hugs*

[enderfem.livejournal.com]

This makes perfect sense to me.

I spent a great deal of time in a situation with a lot of very attractive very wonderful people that were very into expressing friendship and friend-love in sexual ways,and it was something I found quite gratifying. It also enabled me to have both girls and boys to play with without jealousy or Drama. I have been in Relationships, but I tend to be rather independent, and that seems to have caused problems in the past (though perhaps I just need to pick different Relationship people).

I don't have that right now, and I miss it. I am busy, don't really have time for a Relationship or drama. It has apparently affected my outlook on life, though I think it is in a good way. One person commented to another friend of mine "enderfem has this amazing ability to delineate between sex and emotion", and others say I "act like a guy" but that isn't it, really. I mean, I care about/adore/little "l" love the people I play with, but I don't carry expectations of a Relationship with them unless I think it would be a very positive thing for me (and for that person, but that is their decision)

ok, rambling, but did that explain?

[jamesd.livejournal.com]

Your communication on this seems completely clear to me, at least. But then, I've never been fixed in the glare of a hungry 'song.

You will hurt people. It's inevitable. Looks as though you're doing what you can to protect people while living your life and learning how to live in a cloud of lusting and often lustworthy fans who collectively could fulfill your every sexual fantasy if you do no more than hint at the desire to do so.

From here it looks as though you can safely be more willing to act out your desires. That includes the desire to say no to someone you really aren't interested in. Given your general background on the abuse side and the way you're handling it, at least from what I can see here, I think you're always going to be working on being sufficiently protective of the feelings of others. That bodes very well for the consequences of giving yourself more room to play.:)

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Thank you. :) You've been reading me long enough to have an idea of all of this...

[brujah.livejournal.com]

You're not making any sense. I didn't understand every word. I have no concept of your ideals. *kiss*

I just had to be a little contrary, since everyone else groks. :P

[grailquestion.livejournal.com]

This is one of the things that makes polyamory so difficult for me. I'd love to snuggle many people--but they'd have to be able to put up with my shifting moods, and the fact that my husband will always be top priority. I wish I knew how to tell if someone could handle it.