A note.

[shadesong]

Something I didn't know was there. I just like to keep this stuff documented because it is a roadmap to my brain. This is.... not a trigger, but something near to one, I suppose. Something that made me acutely uncomfortable.


And I'll say that this may have been exacerbated by the fact that we had a rapist/murderer running around Atlanta late last week, and that he was caught because a hostage talked her way out of his grasp.

Which is what I did.

Story of my rape, for background.

So in the final episode of Wonderfalls, there's this bank robber. He takes Jaye, her sister, a security guard, and the store manager hostage, hijinks ensue. And Jaye's trying to talk her way out of it. And I'm feeling creepy, but okay.

And toward the end, Jaye has to help him escape through a door in the back, and he takes her with him. And he takes a car, and he puts her in the passenger side, and he goes around to the driver's side. And Adam is gesturing at the TV saying something like "Duh, now is the time to run!", and I'm saying in the tiny voice, "No," because I know. Because this is shock. I know that she can't run. Because that happened to me. And she asked if he was going to let her go, and he said he couldn't, and it was just like me. And I was just sitting there on the couch feeling very small. And obviously Jaye wasn't going to get raped on TV. This was Fox, not HBO. But I remembered being in that car. And I guess I've gotten desensitized to other things that'd happened that night, because I'd experienced or seen them since, but that one's fairly unique, and it's the first time I'd seen that since then. So it made me feel very deer-in-the-headlights.

Landmines everywhere.

I'm okay. The episode ended and I talked to docorion and I slept and I'm okay today. It just freaked me out and I'm making a note of it.

Comments

[robyn-ma.livejournal.com]

You probably don't want to see Hostage, then. I mean, you probably wouldn't want to anyway, but there's some stuff in there that's similar.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Thanks. :) *hug* Something People Who Know Me know, but could stand to be said here... if you see something that I shouldn't see, tell me. I have a list. *rueful laugh*

[jasmine-koran.livejournal.com]

That was such a fabulous show. I'm sorry it triggered bad stuff for you, though.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Was just the one scene in the one episode....

Awesome show. Too smart for Fox.

Fucking Fox. *eyeroll*

[jasmine-koran.livejournal.com]

Once "Angel" was cancelled I stopped watching Fox. Empty gesture, maybe, but it makes me feel better.

[eyes-of-cyrene.livejournal.com]

I went, with my family and some friends, to see "American Wedding" the summer it came out. I don't go to movies as a rule, because trying to decipher what is going on is usually not worth the cost of a ticket. I figured, though, brainless fun, yes?

And then the wedding planner (I think) came on screen.

I froze, and I started to shake. Because he looked, walked, acted, exactly like the man who had raped me not quite a year before. The flourishes, the eyebrows, the earring... it was HIM, and he was there before me on the screen. I got up and walked out. My husband came to check on me, and I told him I just couldn't sit through the movie... he thought (until I told him later) that it was just a bad movie. I sat in the lobby of the theater, shaking, until the movie was over.

My kids wanted to buy the DVD when it came out (because we have the other two movies). I said no. I didn't explain. I just said no. I don't want to live in fear that I'll walk out into the living room and fall apart.

So. *nods*

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Yeek. I haven't had that happen, thank goodness.... I can only imagine...

[beowabbit]

And I'll say that this may have been exacerbated by the fact that we had a rapist/murderer running around Atlanta late last week, and that he was caught because a hostage talked her way out of his grasp.

Which is what I did.

I'm a bit embarrassed that I didn't make this connection until now. (My brain has "Atlanta as a place in the news" and "Atlanta as a place where shadesong and yendi live" as two different places.) *Hugs*.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Hee! Your brain shall adjust. :) *hug*

[miintikwa.livejournal.com]

Yeah, the rapist wandering around Atlanta made me flip the fuck out for about a day. Thankfully, they caught the fucker, and now if they'll just cut his fucking dick off, I'll be happy.

*shakes head* This weekend has been too raw for me, for some reason. I'm literally sitting here shaking in sympathy for you.

Wish I could figure out what started it all... did I come out of a coccoon and just not realize it?

[karnythia.livejournal.com]

I love Wonderfalls, I'm still pissed Fox cancelled it. I can't watch A Time To Kill, and I heartily recommend you avoid it like the plague.

[shariverse.livejournal.com]

oooooooh, truth hurts, doesn't it?

It must be a busy life you have, trying to erasing all the bad stuff about yourself that you want to ignore. Because holy SHIT is there alot!

[aki-dreaming.livejournal.com]

I read these now and then, and normally I don't comment other than to say "go You" for being so willing and open about your experience, something I admire but can not quite manage to duplicate in my own life. However, now and then one of these triggers something in me. What I realize looking at this, reading it and understanding it for the first time, is that I'm impatient, and narrow-minded in some ways.

I understand shock, I understand deer in the headlights, but I haven't been there. And the only explanation I can think of is when it happened to me. I’ve never felt safe. I’ve always assumed the worst. Is that better? Is it worse? Does it matter, is it relevant?

There’s nothing I can say here.