Pretty Girls

[shadesong]

So I was talking to docorion the other day about The Continued Girlification of the Shadesong. He has instructed me to wear a skirt at least once a week; he prefers short skirts. I'm very resistant to short skirts. So it is okay for now that I wear *long* skirts instead of short when I'm outside the house, and just wear the short skirts with him, until I am okay with wearing the short skirts outside the house. He doesn't push; he lets me take my time with difficult things.

So we were talking about skirts, and how he wants me to be all girly - and to show my legs and stuff. He told me I have great legs. Well, I do like my calves. And he told me I was so pretty.

And what fell out of my mouth was this: "Bad things happen to pretty girls."

Such is my comfort level with him - I have no walls, no filters. Direct route from subconscious to mouth.

"Bad things happen to pretty girls."

That's what's hardwired in me. And it's something that I was reminded of yesterday, when wakingdreaming said that my long hair overwhelmed my features - that I have nice features and should show them. What came out then was a joking "I like to hide." But that comes from the same place. Bad things happen to pretty girls - safety comes in not being a pretty girl. So. Hide the features. (I had contacts for about a month in 9th grade. Threw 'em away.) Hide the girl-ness. How many of y'all have seen me in anything other than jeans and a T-shirt, with Merrells or Doc Martens?

One thing about being obsessed with mapping my brain, at least, is that I know exactly where these things come from.

That's got to be worked on.

EDIT: I am okay, not depressed or anything - just musing. Lack of response to comments is due only to an impending long-lunch-date.

Comments

[rosefox]

Sounds like docorion wants to be a good thing happening to a pretty girl!

I wonder, though, the extent to which kink plus skirts combats the idea, and the extent to which it reinforces it. And I'm very, very glad that he's not pushing you.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

He's a *very* good thing. :)

I wonder, though, the extent to which kink plus skirts combats the idea, and the extent to which it reinforces it.

*cocks head to one side* Elaborate?

And I'm very, very glad that he's not pushing you.

Me too.... I've been pushed in this sort of relationship before, and it's Not Good. One thing he's noticed about me is that I have a huge desire to please, to be obedient (save for little bits of disobedience tailored simply to deserve a little discipline) - and that, given a lack of close attention on the part of my Dom, I will push myself to the point of psychologically hurting myself without noticing Until It's Too Late. So he keeps a very close eye on me - wants me to move at my own pace, and not artifically accelerate my pace in efforts to please him.

He's a good one. He really-truly is.

[dark-blade.livejournal.com]

I have!

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

You're special. :)

[eyewrist.livejournal.com]

How many of y'all have seen me in anything other than jeans and a T-shirt, with Merrells or Doc Martens?


I'm the exact same way.. save when I have to dress up for work. Then it's black dress pants and boots. I rarely even wear sandles. I think I own a skirt..... maybe.

Part of that is because
1- if I can't wear it to the barn (which is where I go usually immediatley after work) I don't wear it - I need to be able to get my clothes dirty at the drop of a hat, and
2- I don't particularly like the way I look - it's a self conscious thing that I'm not very proud of :\

[jaxia.livejournal.com]

It's something I've had to work on, too. I like to hide myself, but I've been trying to buy a thing or two here and there that is bit more...girly. The problem is actually wearing it though. I cannot begin to count the number of things with price tags still attached that hang in my closet.

Why not take an extra change of clothes to the barn? It works for me :) I ripped too many shirts on barbed wire and learned my lesson!

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

1. Well, that's logical.
2. Me too. For me, that is - I think you're pretty! :)

[zeldakitty.livejournal.com]

"Bad things happen to pretty girls."

That's why a lot of us get fat.

[pharminatrix.livejournal.com]

Good things happen to pretty girls too. Trust me on this.

[pharminatrix.livejournal.com]

How about, when you move to Boston, you come visit and we'll go shopping. We'll do proof-of-concept on our prettiness. I suspect you haven't had a lot of positive models in this area and I'd be happy to show you a good time besides. But the feminine prettiness mysteries can be lots of fun. I'll show you.

[zarhooie.livejournal.com]

"Bad things happen to pretty girls."


And people wonder why I just can't lose weight. *sigh*

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

Um.
You're pretty regardless of what the scale says.
:)

[fibro-witch.livejournal.com]

I've never been one to hide at all. Don't think I would know how. I use my long hair as a mane to attract attention, and I mostly wear skirts, or clothes that hug my curves. Not a lot of exposed fleash, if you want to see the package, you must request an upwrapping.

But I am a bit concerned sweetie, because more than once you have brought how uncomfortable you are at being being turned into a girl. Are you making these changes because you want to, or because you want to make someone else happy. He should love you just the way you are, and not want to change you at ALL!

Please don't loose yourself

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

more than once you have brought how uncomfortable you are at being being turned into a girl. Are you making these changes because you want to, or because you want to make someone else happy. He should love you just the way you are, and not want to change you at ALL!

His words on this: "There's a reason I love strong-willed women... if 'song didn't want to do this, she wouldn't be doing it!"

I am very much one for examining why things make me feel shifty. I'm okay with this - it's just a huge change, and therefore must be poked and examined at every turn!

[regyt.livejournal.com]

Hm. I find the thought of girlification uncomfortable. I think it triggers my own twitchiness at girliness and the like. ::files under 'your kink is not my kink, but I hope you have billions of joy with it'::

I will say, though - bad things happen to everyone and anyone, sometimes. Pretty girls and ugly girls and boys, too. So, given that the risk is there no matter what, why not enjoy being pretty?

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

::files under 'your kink is not my kink, but I hope you have billions of joy with it'::

Hee!

I really want to see you in your Utilikilt. :)

[whitecrow0.livejournal.com]

I'm very glad you wrote this. This sounds like some healthy processing.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Indeed. :)

[stripedsocks.livejournal.com]

"Bad things happen to pretty girls."

Bad things happen to people who are noticed.
Pretty girls are noticed.
Therefore, bad things happen to pretty girls.

I've always been one striving to not get noticed for the above reason.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Exactly so.

Someone else has expressed similar sentiments before

[ysabel.livejournal.com]

i am not a pretty girl
that is not what i do
i ain't no damsel in distress
and i don't need to be rescued
so put me down, punk
wouldn't you prefer a maiden fair
isn't there a kitten
stuck up a tree
somewhere?

Re: Someone else has expressed similar sentiments before

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

i am not a pretty girl
that is not what i do

I have quoted that many a time. *nod*

[kylakae.livejournal.com]

"Bad things happen to pretty girls."

I believe this is why I stayed fat so long.

[eyes-of-cyrene.livejournal.com]

Ditto. Now I need to get un-fat again.

[bronander.livejournal.com]

I like to hide, too. I used to shrug it off as an integral part of my personality, of a part of ME. But the truth is, it isn’t. My need to hide was a defense mechanism created for and enforced by a lot of little and a few big things that have happened in my life. I know exactly why I like to hide, and it has nothing to do with who I really am. (For some reason, not being girly is a part of that hiding for me, too.) I hid so well, even from myself, that when I sat down and tried to list things that make me happy (in an attempt to find direction in life and the perfect job) I couldn’t think of anything. I had to go back to childhood. That scared me, but it’s where I decided to start to rebuild myself and come out of hiding. I’m wearing big, dangly earrings and growing my hair out. This week I started taking ballet lessons again. I am baffled by the pure bliss I feel when wearing pink slippers. As I drove home from my second class, I started crying. I couldn’t believe I had ever stopped doing something I enjoyed so much.

It’s scary to step out of the shadows, but the reasons I began to hide no longer exist and the people who created those situations are no longer a part of my life. Now that I’m an adult, I don’t have to put up with those type of people ever again. I can finally live my life on my own terms. It’s taken me seven years to figure that out, and I’m only beginning to come out of my shell, but it is definitely of the good. (Disclaimer: Of course, today my hair is in a ponytail, I’m wearing my favorite big, clompy shoes, jeans and a T-shirt and sitting in a dark office. Part of ME is all about the comfort and avoiding distractions while working, too.)

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

It’s scary to step out of the shadows, but the reasons I began to hide no longer exist and the people who created those situations are no longer a part of my life. Now that I’m an adult, I don’t have to put up with those type of people ever again. I can finally live my life on my own terms. It’s taken me seven years to figure that out, and I’m only beginning to come out of my shell, but it is definitely of the good.

Yay you! *fierce hugs*

[enderfem.livejournal.com]

So I read this, and I was thinking "yes, that's why there are times I wrap weight around me like a shield...bad things happened before when I didn't" and then I thought "that might be a little weird though, this comfort level with the fat, and not the food, that it is the weight that protects me, the way I try to make myself go unnoticed" and then I read all the previous comments, and I sighed the relieved sigh of one who realizes that there is yet another way in which she is not alone in this world.

and also, good luck with the skirts!

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

she is not alone in this world

And that's part of why I post stuff like this... *hug*

[grailquestion.livejournal.com]

It's good, then, that you have people you can brain-dump with, because that's the kind of thing we tend to hide from ourselves until it's out of our mouths against our better judgment.

I had a friend tease me when I wore shorts, saying, "She does have legs! My God!" because I have steadfastly avoided anything that stops above the knee since...well...high school. Fine. Point taken.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

It's good, then, that you have people you can brain-dump with, because that's the kind of thing we tend to hide from ourselves until it's out of our mouths against our better judgment.

Yep. *Very* valuable. :)

[laurelian.livejournal.com]

Not belittling your feelings or what you've been through. I could never dream of completely understanding some of the things you've been through. But.

Bad things happen to ugly girls too. Trust me, I know.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I know. I'm sorry, hon.

[haikujaguar.livejournal.com]

I think this is hardwired into most of our brains. I remember being asked if I had low self-esteem because I didn't wear make-up or try to "make myself look nice" before leaving the house, and my reply was, "actually, I don't do things because I think too highly of myself."

I don't think they got it. I trust that I clean up well. But I don't want other people to notice. :,

[melvh.livejournal.com]

See, my answer to those who asked about the lack of make-up & stylish hair was: "If I choose to share my life with someone, they'll see me clean-complected with a flyaway -do eventually. This is so that they can get used to it now."

My time is too important to spend it "prettifying" the outside, when it's the inside I want them to care about.

[wakingdreaming.livejournal.com]

I'm really, really sorry if I triggered bad stuff for you. I actually woke up today thinking, "Wait, what if part of this is that she WANTS to hide because of past stuff?". I hope you're really okay.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Oh, no, you didn't! Not at all. I was already musing on this, so the "hiding" thing was a casual aside to the process, rather than a triggery thing.

[qassandra.livejournal.com]

Hmm . . . yeah, I think the bad things happen to pretty girls thing is somewhere in me, too. I was an early bloomer and used to get hooted at-- which is pretty upsetting when you're eight years old. So I fattened up and stayed fat. Other stuff happened, and I stayed fat.

I'd been attributing my major but healthy weight loss last year to the change of lifestyle from moving to Japan, but now I'm starting to wonder if some of it had to do with being in a healthy relationship for the first time in my life. I guess that's part of the emotional instability that followed losing that, too: suddenly I knew I was noticeable and didn't know how to cope with the fear.

Hmm. Thanks for putting these things out there for people like me to read.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

See, this is why I put this stuff out there - the not-alone factor! Plus, I hadn't thought of weight gain that way. Interesting...

[wytchchyld.livejournal.com]

I think that my version would be just 'bad things happen.'

Though I totally get that. A friend thinks that's why I went from relatively slender and fairly pretty in 8th grade to, well, what I am now. A subconscious (or not so much) to try to be safe.

[phantom_wolfboy]

I am curious: why are skirts "girly" and jeans and t-shirts and docs, "not-girly"?

Cause a woman's a woman no matter what she wears, and if attractive, is attractive in jeans as much as if not more than in skirts, IMNSHO.

And high-heels, for the record, are not attractive at all.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Well, men wear jeans, and do not wear skirts.

'Cept for Utilikilts, which are a recent development.

High heels are awful, and I refuse to wear them EVER.