So much.

[shadesong]

I am not in control when I'm having sex with him. I'm not just talking about BDSM. I'm not in control of what I say, what I do; I surprise myself sometimes with what happens. I surprise him.

Often, my vocabulary will limit itself to one word or to one phrase. One word, at this particular point last night: "Yours". Streaming over and over, with him inside me: "Yours, yours, yours..." holding him as he moved, "yours, yours, yours..."

And I burst into tears.

Which I have never EVER done during sex. But everything was stripped away, everything but love and need and, apparently, the pain of too long a separation. "Yours," I cried, and, brokenly, "I MISSED you!"

He held me, reassured me that it was okay, that everything was okay, that he loved me, that he wouldn't be gone that long again. Gods, it's never hurt like that before. Adam and I never had that long a separation, once we knew we loved each other. And no one else felt quite like Tom feels. Too long. My heart hurt. And the dam burst, and I bawled, and he held me, and he told me it was okay.

"Yours," and "I missed you," over and over.

Two things later, when I'd gotten ahold of myself:

"I can never lie to you," I said. "My body won't let me." 'Struth - things come out that I wasn't expecting, like the "pretty girls" thing I was expounding on last week or so. Like this. I have no walls with him. And, well, especially not during sex, when I'm as open as humanly possible in every way...

And this one caused me to laugh. "I have seen girls," I said, "who, when they cry, have just the silent lipquiver and the tears sliding down their cheeks. Me... not so much."

Him: "You have the red-in-the-face bawling."

Me: "Yeah. I do not cry pretty!"

It's okay, he says.

Also? He can call me baby and it sounds sweet and gentle, not cheesy.

I missed him so much.

Comments

[eyewrist.livejournal.com]

Him: "You have the red-in-the-face bawling."

Me: "Yeah. I do not cry pretty!"



me too :)

[rubian77.livejournal.com]

hehe, me three.

[slipjig.livejournal.com]

Oh, my. Extraordinary, and wondrous.

[morenasangre.livejournal.com]

That is something beautiful, something very old-fashioned and something special. I am not a sex-person. My husband says I'm not vanilla, I'm distilled water. But what you describe is what sex is for me. It is the closest any two people can really be to being a single entity. It is the willing dropping of all the barriers we hold around us all the time and the total sharing of who we are. I think, for me personally, that is why I hate the whole idea of casual sex. I think that sex is sacred because it involves the ultimate vulnerability and I cannot imagine sharing that with just anyone. That's me, but it is so deeply a part of how I think. You made me tear up with you post...I frequently don't think the act of sex is beautiful, but what you describe...that's beauty.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

It is the closest any two people can really be to being a single entity.

Him, at another point last night, grinning in wonder in response to my blissful grin: "I think that's the closest I've ever come to reading minds. Feeling you."

Re: being casual, which you know I can be: Sex feels good, so sex can be just fun. Play. For me personally, it does not need to open my heart and leave my spirit gasping and exposed to this degree every time; I could've bear it if it did! Too much for the mind to bear!

But gods, yes, it is beauty when it does.

You'd like him, sister-love. He's a Good One. I watched him and Adam just hang out and talk this morning while I wandered about the house getting ready, and he just fits. He's not an addition. He's family, a piece we didn't know we were missing til we found him.

[enderfem.livejournal.com]

He's not an addition. He's family, a piece we didn't know we were missing til we found him .

While I am going to have to think a bit about my answer to "what is sex?"

But that quote above is quite clearly part of my definition of love.

[ardaniel]

wedgex is the only person who can get away with calling me "baby." ;)

[ewin.livejournal.com]

This is exactly how I am with Scott. I miss him... I wonder sometimes if it scared him, and I wonder if I'll ever know.

[miintikwa.livejournal.com]

*hug*

When C made me cry during a flogging, it was like the last of the barriers that I didn't even know I'd had slipped. It was beautiful, magical, and everything since then has been ever deeper, ever sweeter, ever more real.

I grok.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Yay. :)

[rhicat.livejournal.com]

Real Women don't cry pretty.

- another red-faced, sniffle-nose bawler

[gegenschein.livejournal.com]

I have started crying during sex with my husband in the past, either because I'd been away and had missed him *just that much* or simply out of sheer happiness. It's an amazing feeling.

[littlebuhnee.livejournal.com]

*smiles happily*

[live4lyfe.livejournal.com]

incredible.. spiritual sex really has a way of stripping down all boundaries. & I say spiritual because there is that, and there's plain ole pick your nose while in traffic sex as well.

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

*sniffle*

My heart is doing funny things after reading this, and I have no real *words* in response..but I wanted to acknowledge whatever the heck is going on inside me in response to you.

I think that one of the biggest reasons I'm not looking for A Commitment from anyone right now is that, deep down, I want to..belong to someone. And I'm not sure I should want that.

I belong to myself. Mostly. But a large part of me belongs (wrongly) to 99. I was watching him recently and one of my oh-so-scary Crystal Clear Moments That Shall Become True hit me: Someday we will kiss.

It is very wrong of me. I am so his creature, and I so shouldn't be.

And lordy, I sure didn't expect to be typing any of *that*...

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Amazing what comes out, huh? *snuggles you*

[azhure.livejournal.com]

I formly believe that people come into one's life for a reason, and when we need them to be there.

He is there for you, to break down those barriers. To show you that you don't need to be Strong and Coping all the time. Life has dealt you a slew of tough knocks, you deserve some love and comfort.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

I firmly believe that people come into one's life for a reason, and when we need them to be there.

Me too.

To show you that you don't need to be Strong and Coping all the time.

Yes.... and it feels amazing to set down the sword and know that I have a shield, know that I can rest...