And how are *you*?

[shadesong]

"How are you?"

How do you answer that question? How do you know how much someone wants to know? "I'm okay - you?"

It's a part-time professor who knows why I'm part-time now, knows I'm not healthy. "Are you really?" he asks.

I shrug. Not socially ept. "...I'm hanging in there." I have stories, man. I could keep you here for hours. Do you want to know about my heart? Do you want to know that I'm not far from going on IV fluids to keep some weight on me? Do you want to know that now, three hours into my day, just now do I have faith in my ability to walk a straight line down the hall? I don't want to inflict that on the casual observer.

He pauses, sympathetic. "You look like you're getting thinner again."

(Song trigger: Mimi's gotten thin/Mimi's running out of time/Roger's running out the door...)

That's right. He's not here often. This is not gradual for him. He's not seeing the pounds melt, fade. He's being jolted.

So I tell him how I am. Not in gory detail, mind.

But seriously - how do you ever really know? Is my default of "I'm okay" or "I'm hanging in there" dishonest, being as I'm not? Because what it is is that I don't want people to worry overmuch when there's nothing they can do, and I don't want to inflict this on people who are just being polite. I don't know. I'm not socially ept. How can you tell what people are really asking?

Comments

[gwynraven.livejournal.com]

I've always hated the tradition "How are you?" as a greeting. Because very few people who say it really want to hear the answer if it's anything other than "good, how're you?"

[rosefox]

"I'm all right" is my standard reply. It's generally true. If I'm having a bad day, I'll say, "Eh, could be better." If I'm having a really bad day, I'll say, "I don't want to talk about it."

I never ask "And how are you?" unless I really care about the person. When I do care, though, I ask it often.

[talix18.livejournal.com]

That answer depends a lot on what you've shared with that person in the past. I have a pretty good idea who the superficial askers are and who the people are that really want to know.

I find myself, when I really want to know, asking the requisite "How are you?", getting the requisite "Fine/Okay" bs answer, then following up with "How are you really?" Much like your prof did.

[eyes-of-cyrene.livejournal.com]

The fact that he asked, "are you really?" was a good indication that he DID care, and wanted to know.

It comes down to reading people's body language and knowing how they fit into your world, I think. And how much they already know about how you REALLY are.

There's a fine balance between not making other people uncomfortable (I only say this because you mentioned not inflicting this on people who are just being polite) and being truthful. I think that, if people are just being polite, the default is what's expected (although I wish more people would stop being polite and start only asking if they WANT to know).

But if you sense even a hint of genuine interest, I think it's important that people know what your limitations really are.

I kind of hit the same problem of balance when trying to explain to people that 1) deafness does erect barriers they aren't aware of but 2) I am still capable of overcoming those barriers.

You have many people who genuinely care about your welfare and well-being, and socially inept or no, you can probably figure out who those people are.

(I don't comment often, but this struck a chord)

[eyes-of-cyrene.livejournal.com]

and on further reflection while in the shower just now, I don't like the word I used, "limitations."

I think "barriers" would be better. Because, like me, even though you DO have barriers... you climb over them, even if it takes you longer than it would take someone else. This is one of the things I admire about you.

Unless you know the person, it's extremely difficult to tell.

[rubian77.livejournal.com]

My father in law always used to say "Hafta do." Because in reality, he was miserable but didn't want to go into detail.

I think the "I'm okay" and "hanging in there" as well as the standard "fine" aren't necessarily dishonest when used as the initial gambit, because I see it as a shortened form of "As far as your involvement in my life is concerned, I'm okay/fine/hanging in there." You're being polite to their polite, and if they really are concerned I think you'll be able to tell it in their inflections and body language.

Sincerity is often marked (though not always) by eye contact; also, an extension of the question ("How are you doing? I haven't seen you in a while." or "How are you? Are you still part-time?" etc) that shows they're really paying attention to your life.

Also, if they counter (like this professor) with "Are you really?" or "Sure about that?" then I say it's okay to delve into more honest detail. They asked, after all.

...but I'm not socially ept most of the time, either. :)

[whitecrow0.livejournal.com]

Some time ago, I was not aware of society's accepted answer of "Fine!" I was gently pulled aside and told privately that people did not want to hear my honest answers, that they made people uncomfortable and vaguely upset. So I learned to chirp out a "Fine! How are you?" And now, even when I have just stuffed down a panic attack and I'm dizzy, that's how I answer. If someone expresses concern, I might admit to being tired or having a headache. But there are few people in my face-to-face life whom I'll tell more than that. I doubt I am doing what I should, though. :/

[techempage.livejournal.com]

"I'm surviving..."

That's my answer. Thats usually enough for most people.

[zoopownsyou.livejournal.com]

When used as a greeting by someone you barely know, give them a token answer to make them feel good about it. Depending on how much you barely know them, "I'm great", "I'm okay", "It'll get better!" always work. The other person is happy, you appear polite and everyone's a winner.

[haikujaguar.livejournal.com]

My stock response to this question is: "I'm tired."

This is perfect because:

1. It's always true.
2. It can be interpreted casually ("Heh. Yeah, aren't we all!" Conversation rambles on) or it can be interpreted seriously ("Tired? Are you okay? You look drained." Conversation becomes introspective and grave)... and it's the other person's choice which one to run with.

So, yes. I'm tired today, how are you? :,

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Heh. Oh, arii. I am also tired. :)

[haikujaguar.livejournal.com]

You see? Perfect. *hug*

[norda.livejournal.com]

I'm not a big fan of the question.

My answer is usually, "I'm here." I let the other person make whatever interpretation they will.

[eyes-of-cyrene.livejournal.com]

I like that.

[norda.livejournal.com]

I try to deliver it in a fairly neutral voice, too.

I can't always choose my body language, though. So if they know me well enough to read that, they know me well enough to dig deeper.

[rhicat.livejournal.com]

I think you handled it just exactly as the situation called for. The inital "fine" satisfies the polite requirement. The prof' knows your history so going into more detail (how much depends on time allowed for conversation) is acceptable and his further inquiry shows he really does care about you.

I work a cash register and see alot of people on a regular basis. Less than a handful I've gotten to know rather well. When I came back to work after breaking my ankle I could give a polite explanation in 30 seconds while ringing or a more detailed, truthful version if pressed. How much detail I give depends on how much they question me in return.

[moment-of-me.livejournal.com]

If I'm being positive, I usually respond with "I'm here. And that's good enough for me!" Otherwise, I often turn it into a joke and say "I was all right, but I'm getting over it". They usually either laugh, or walk away confused. Either way, I feel like I won. LoL

Honestly, I can't tell what people are really asking. Most do it out of politeness, and expect a polite answer in return. If it's someone I know well, or have had a working relationship with in the past but haven't seen in awhile, I might actually be honest and say something more. *shrugs* Otherwise, I think you handled the situation great. You gave him a polite answer and then he asked more, obviously interested (or maybe just nosy ;-)). Conversations are give and take. Social niceties are expected among acquaintances and colleagues, it's not about honesty at all, really.

But hey, that's my opinion, I could be wrong.

[unwilly.livejournal.com]

The poster for the movie Jarhead has my new response for when things are bad.

"Welcome to the suck."

[eyewrist.livejournal.com]

haha... I like that..

[eyewrist.livejournal.com]

"How are you?"

How do you answer that question? How do you know how much someone wants to know? "I'm okay - you?"



I've been a fan of "reply hazy, ask again later.." latley.

[corwinok.livejournal.com]

People stop asking those inane smalltake questions if you answer them truthfully, fully, and in glorious gory detail. Then you're left with the handful of people who ask how you are because they honestly want to know.

I reject social eptitude

[corwinok.livejournal.com]

It works, too :)

Ah, yes. I've faced this problem.

[moonfire77.livejournal.com]

Generally, I can tell by the intensity of the tone when they ask. The more intense they are, the more they want to know. Also, context: if they're walking down the hall away from you when asking, just say okay and leave it at that. if they've stopped to ask, that indicates to me that they want to know, so i give them more details. Also, how well do they already know you? What is your relationship? I'd share a lot with a friend that I wouldn't share with a casual coworker. If it's a boss, that's more tricky because the answer could affect your job. I'd be as honest as possible in that situation; you don't want to misrepresent what you're capable of.

Basically, it's whatever you're comfortable with; if you're not okay disclosing your entire medical history, then don't (unless, again, it could impact favorably on an important aspect of your life.) On the other hand, if this is someone you trust who is apt to be genuinely curious, and you feel the need to get stuff off your chest, go for it.

[indrani-prime.livejournal.com]

This is probably totally OT, but this reminded me of something interesting I learned when I was studying German in college.

When learning about how to start up a casual conversation, the teacher emphasized that it was *very* rude to ask someone "How are you?" if you didn't know them well; because there was a cultural expectation in that if you asked someone how they were, it was because you really wanted to know all the gory details, down to how many bowel movements they had yesterday. So asking someone on the street about the details of their recent hysterectomy could be both awkward and impertinent coming from a stranger. (Compare and contrast with American English, which inherits a situational understanding of certain phrases from European English).

This led to an interesting list of "phrases not to use in polite conversation": including "I am hot" (which directly translates into your desire to be sexually active with the listener), and "I am cold" (which announces your sexual frigidity to the world at large).

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Hm! Nifty. :)

[chris-walsh.livejournal.com]

I can't resist quoting. Ever heard George Carlin's routine on this? He explains why he doesn't like the words "Nice," "Fine" or "Great," then he says:

No, not me, I'm not nice, I'm not fine, I'm not great. People ask me how I am, I say "I'm fairly decent." I don't give them any superlatives, nothing to gossip about: "Relatively OK." Sometimes I'll say "I'm moderately neat-o." If I'm in a particularly jaunty mood I'll go, "I'm not unwell, thank you"; that pisses them off because they have to figure it out!

I also love the line early in the novel The Princess Bride where people start not to like Buttercup so much because "when they asked her how she was, she told them."

BTW, I'll actually post a non-quote post one of these days, but mostly after Work.

[pecunium.livejournal.com]

Some people get the truth, some a summation of the general trend, some I don't care about they get lied to; because that's easier than trying to explain everything.

If they have no idea I have a problem, I just tell them, "I'm hangin' in" which is, often enough, the actual case.

Day to day, Maia is probably the only one who knows, and often she notices changes before I do.

TK

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

"How are you?"
"Rampantly horny - how are *you*?"

Yeeeeeah. The honest answers probably aren't the best ones.

...Seriously, though - no. Most people don't really want to know. The ones that do either radiate it with their tone or body language, or they're more direct - "How are you feeling?"

Tangentally: I believe we as a collective are very unused to people actually caring how we are. And so when you express a genuine interest or concern - when you are honestly and truthfully nice to someone - it causes beaucoups des misinterpreted signals. Which gets me into trouble more often than I care to discuss. Because I'm empathic enough to feel when someone's lying.

And even more tangentally: This touches on how I manage my haunt actors. I know we're all tired and sore and usually sick, and I think it's important to show that I recognize it in my actors' faces.

[techempage.livejournal.com]

"How are you?"
"Rampantly horny - how are *you*?"

This made me laugh and laugh!

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

*bow*
*grin*

[crickie.livejournal.com]

I always assume people are being polite in that situation, and provide an appropriate response ("I'm great, "I'm fine", "I'm good", "Same ol Same ol". If they then still seem interested, or continue on with the conversation....I will continue on with further details about how and what I am doing.

Blarg...

[shades-of-nyx.livejournal.com]

I never know how to answer this one either.
The truth is usually some version of, "I feel like crap!" I tend to stick with, "I need another cup of coffee." Or, "Are we there yet?!". I try not to wallow in the fact that I'm in chronic pain, but it's always there. My Spice and I have had discussions of the fact that they often feel like I'm cheating on them with another person named PAIN who they didn't get to meet first, have any input about, or veto. I'm glad to hear that they would veto the owies if they could! It's true. Chronic pain or illness is like a whole nother relationship.
--Not the best input I know, but the above is truth.

Re: Blarg...

[talix18.livejournal.com]

Chronic pain or illness is like a whole nother relationship.

So true.

[waterowl.livejournal.com]

I usually answer "I'm tired." if I can't answer "I'm hanging in there" or "I'm okay." If the person asks a follow-up question, they usually do want more information, but they usually don’t want as much information as you have on the subject. Few people except your nearest and dearest want to know all the painful medical details of your condition, but they do want a brief readers’ digest summary. They do care, but most people get squeamish around medical stuff unless they’re ill themselves or they’re doctors.

[zarhooie.livejournal.com]

When I ask you that, do you answer me truthfully, or do you try to think of something that isn't what's really happening?

[sarahwilder.livejournal.com]

I can always tell by the follow up questions. People who don't want to know don't probe.

[ex-roomette173.livejournal.com]

IMO if you ask such as question, you're obviously seeking an answer (albeit most likely a brief one) and so therefore it is not up to me to guess/discern/consult oracles as to intent. Life is just too short.

I say, "Fine, a little _____________." Then I smile and say, "And you?" Cause people always have stuff going on.

[miintikwa.livejournal.com]

The socially acceptable answers to those questions are the ones you use= "I'm ok," or 'hanging in there.'

That's how we do things, here in the South. "How are you?" is a greeting, it's not necessarily a request for details. Hence, the polite answer. If someone deserves a more detailed answer, or if they ask probing questions, then you can go into the more detail, as you did.

I might as well have gone to finishing school, with as much politeness and socially acceptable behaviours as I got drilled into me. So, I'm good at the game. I don't like it, but I'm good at it.

I can still to this day paste a smile on my face and do the debutante thing. Mrf. The joys of going to an all-girl's college.

[phantom_wolfboy]

I usually answer, "Hey!" Cause really, it's mostly a greeting.

I know they want more info if they stop me and ask it, or if we sit down to tea, and they ask it, but if they ask it in passing in the hall, I just go "Hey!". Sometimes I say, "I'm awake," but they have to have actually stopped to get that one.

curious boy

[gev.livejournal.com]

these days, my answer is "fucking GREAT!"
I love Meg.

Re: curious boy

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Yay you!