(no subject)

[shadesong]

Right, then.

Having a disability, having chronic pain, chronic illness, is like having a whole 'nother relationship. A really bad one. *wry smile*

The disability - and that's how I'll refer to it throughout - monopolizes your time and energy. You end up having to give more time and energy to the disability than to any other individual partner - some days, more to the disability than to all partners combined.

It throws temper tantrums. It demands that you change plans with your other partners at the last minute: "Oh, you thought tonight was your date night, huh? Tough shit. It's mine."

It does not respect your safeword! It is not safe, sane, or consensual! *laugh*

You end up spending huge chunks of your day, your week, month, year, just "working on your relationship" with your disability. Trying different medications, different patterns of rest or exercise.

And there's nothing your other partner(s) can do about this, really. They can fetch heat or ice packs for pain flares. They can carry you to bed when your meds steal the ability to walk in a straight line. But they do not have veto power over the disability.

It is an abusive partner, and it cannot be negotiated with.

More later. Time for wee Shadesongs to nap. I welcome your thoughts and additions.

Comments

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

I remember resenting how Cliff's illness never recognized the time of day or year.

I spent a lot of holidays bedside and never noticed them. THAT sucked.

[shades-of-nyx.livejournal.com]

Thank you for that.
It affirms what I feel, and sometimes that affirmation is very important.
I'm honored that my words inspired you and rang true.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

*nods* Affirmation is very important with things like this; it's easy to get to feeling lost and alone...

[crm17.livejournal.com]

Very insightful. I hate to have a good metaphor for a bad thing, but it is a really excellent one. No safeword, indeed.

[miintikwa.livejournal.com]

Indeed. That's the bit I hate the most, the lack of safewordage. Just being able to say 'stop' once in a while would really be nice.

[texmorgan.livejournal.com]

I think my ADD wins most battles. I can't tell you how glad I am to be done with epilepsy myself. I can't imagine what it must be like. Oh and tell your husband the Astros are going to win tonight.

[ulitave.livejournal.com]

so very true. It also occasionally runs off good partners.

[evilbenfranklin.livejournal.com]

Being a cluster migraine sufferer, diabetic, and etc, etc, I can certainly understand where you're coming from on this... what you said rang very true, but here's an addition...

The Disability can also start actively picking fights with your other partner(s), by bringing its snarky, grumpy friend Mr. Stress into the discussion. Nobody likes Mr. Stress. He has a nasty tendency to climb on people's backs and hang around, like that good-for-nothing third cousin who drops in 'for a couple days' and winds up staying the month. In any event, I think you're pretty lucky to have people who stand by you through this.

It's important to not succumb to the stress and even more importantly, the feeling that there was something fundamentally wrong about how I was assembled at the factory, so to speak. I've gotten pretty good at the latter, the former, not so much, since work pressure and other factors tend to play into it as well. Still, falling prey to those feelings can, as a previous commenter said, contribute to 'running off' other partners.

I'm not sure where I was going with this admitted half-ramble, except to say this: The good things in a life... good friends, happy moments, the smile of a child, or even just the thrill of doing something you always wanted to do... those, if properly kept in the heart and mind, make the rest of it worthwhile. :) They may not keep it all at bay, but they do help one get through the worse parts of it all.

'Luck,
-EBF-

[tww1fa]

Clinical Depression is a harsh mistress, as well. It can make you resent your partner for being happy... and it's even more difficult for them to try to make you feel better - anything and everything that they do can backfire in spectacular ways.

[whitecrow0.livejournal.com]

Methinks you're probably going to get a lot of people linking to this.

[daddi-cade.livejournal.com]

I found your blog via museumfreak and thank you for putting pain into sharp relief like this. It's given me a lot to think about. And, can I reproduce it? I'd like to share with my partner, who has to deal with my Monsters on a daily basis.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Feel free! Just credit me, 'k?

[daddi-cade.livejournal.com]

Of course I will, and thank you :o)

[museumfreak.livejournal.com]

wait . . . you found her blog via me? do I KNOW you?

[daddi-cade.livejournal.com]

No, I'm a complete stranger.

[ladysea.livejournal.com]

It's your primary partner, whether you like it or not.

It lurks over your other "relationships" like a big gloomy thundercloud waiting to strike.

[laurel714.livejournal.com]

It is an abusive partner, and it cannot be negotiated with.

And you can't just break up with it either.

[fearthainnlent.livejournal.com]

ah, 'Song not surprized where this one went.
Thanks for the lead in earlier.
As I am more than the sum of my parts and one of my parts is this constant 'partner', my definition of 'self' changed to incorporate that which never leaves. Yet in acknowledging it as part of me I forgo the constant battle I was in between 'self' and 'pain' (this is not the same as ameliorating the pain by all medical and therapeutical ways possible-that I will never let go of). The me I once was is not the me I am now. With limited energy I am wiser in my choices of what is necessary. The abusive spouse was not and so I separated myself. I strive now to know myself, cause no harm, help others, and share joy. An occasional rant still leaks out. Nothing is easy, everything is appreciated. I am still bemused by the number of people who seek me out now, the number of friends I have (more than ever in my life) the level of acceptance they give me.

[talix18.livejournal.com]

Word.

[aladriana.livejournal.com]

Thank you for this post. It's true, very true. I wish I had put it as well.

Not only is it abusive, but no restraining order, or anything else can make it stop.