It's okay.

[shadesong]

My second cousin's wife sticks her head around the corner, flustered. "Would you mind watching the baby for a minute?"

"Um. Sure. No problem."

I come out from behind the kitchen island, wineglass in hand, to watch the baby. It's Christmas day, and the house is in merry chaos. Hell if I know where the baby's dad is, or where his mom is going.

The Baby.

The Baby has, til this point, been a symbol, a cipher. The Baby is the thing I cannot have again, due to health. But I look past the words The Baby to focus on this baby, my temporary charge. I squat down beside him, look into his big melty-chocolate brown eyes. "Hey, kid."

He looks up and grins.

He's a cute kid, 16 months old, the youngest of the seven running 'round the house today by a long shot. (Elayna is smack in the middle, and the only girl.) He's very curious about the pool, and I lock that door against him. "Hm. Hey. Want to help me clean up?"

He looks at me curiously.

I hold up a piece of the Hot Wheels track that he's scattered all over the floor, part of the next-youngest kid's loot. I slide it into its box with a silly "shoooop!" sound. "Help me?"

He giggles and grabs a piece, and I grab another piece, and we work industriously. I teach him how to high-five, and we high-five after each successful slide, each "shoooop!" When we're done, he tries to investigate the pool again, stumblerunning fast, and I scoop him up: "Whoa! Pools are not for munchkins!"

He's heavy. Elayna was not this heavy at this age; she was never heavy in this way. This kid is built solid. Maximum pudge. Not fat, mind. Just very solid.

He laughs, even though he's been thwarted, and I laugh back and bink his nose, and this is the first time in what, a year? that I've been near a baby without wanting to cry, or without going ahead and crying.

And I realize that it's okay.

I'm not going to have another baby. But it's okay. I'm okay.

His mom comes back and I hand him off, and I go out and watch my kid, running around with her cousins, golden hair bannering out behind her, laughing her wild laugh, and... if this is the only one I get, I'm okay.

Comments

Half full

[mizarchivist]

The pluses:
you've not spent your entire life bewailing something you can't change. Add to that, you managed to get to that point without being clue-by-foured to death. You have (from what I've read) a fantastic kid already. I bet you could find/already found a bunch of kids who would love to have you as a friend- and you don't have to pay for them to go to college. Smooch

[themaskmaker.livejournal.com]

I hear you. I've got the one kid, and he's the one for me. And I'm okay. -- Grey

[slipjig.livejournal.com]

... if this is the only one I get, I'm okay.

*nods* Especially if the one you've got is a masterpiece. *grin* *binks your nose*

gosh darnit....

[snesgirl.livejournal.com]

you're such a good writer.

eveything is so well realized, and (I mean this in a good way) you coudl write screenplays effortlessley,

He laughs, even though he's been thwarted, and I laugh back and bink his nose, I am soooooo glad you have an Lj ! I coudl utterly SEE that in my minds eye.

[moment-of-me.livejournal.com]

I can't have children. It took time, but I'm okay with that, too. I married for the first time in May at the age of 35. I told my husband at the start of our relationship, feeling a need to be completely honest if we were going to be in this for the long haul, fearing he would reject me as "defective". He didn't. While I joked about it with others, deep down that was my fear. That I was damaged in some way. Somehow, his easy acceptance made me realize that I AM okay. I am not a product of my ability, or lack thereof, to reproduce. Part of me still thinks, what if? But the self-doubt that plagued me is gone. Acceptance makes everything easier, doesn't it?

You're lucky to have Elayna. I'm lucky to have a niece that I can spoil as if she were my own (and send her home when I've had enough! LoL). We take our blessings where and when they come to us.

[ewin.livejournal.com]

Well, yeah, I think this is what my mom (and most grandmothers) do... she loves babies, but she's had her two, and she's long past done with them.

So she borrows my sister's babies. Which, hey, is great for my sister.

As long as you have lots of family and friends, there are ALWAYS babies for the borrowing. I bet a women's shelter would have even more of them...

[fujerica.livejournal.com]

I was thinking about volunteering at a hospital nursery or just that same reason.

[celticfeministw.livejournal.com]

Beautifully written.

As someone who has yet to have kids (and I honestly don't know if I can or will) ... my response to this is just ... *hugs*

[drwex]

Thank you for taking the time to share this. I would, if I may presume, urge you to look into things such as adoption and fostering. Both systems tend to be overfull of kids who really need the kind of love, good home, and smart attention you seem so capable of providing.

That said, if you end up with the one kid it seems from what little I know that you're doing just fine.

And, yanno, if you ever feel the urge to be overwhelmed by, say, two active boychildren we rent ours out. Or even pay for someone to deal with them for a few hours...

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

I would, if I may presume, urge you to look into things such as adoption and fostering. Both systems tend to be overfull of kids who really need the kind of love, good home, and smart attention you seem so capable of providing.

I'm flattered. :)

The problem, however, is only partly rooted in those nine months... most of the problem is this:

1. When I'm on this medication, I'm too exhausted and brainfogged/brainscattery to take adequate care of an infant/toddler.
2. When I'm not on this medication, I have seizures, and would therefore be unable to take adequate care of an infant/toddler.

And I can't, won't, have a child I can't take adequate care of.

Elayna was eight when I was diagnosed, and mature for her age; she's continued to mature on/ahead of schedule over these two years. When I fall asleep on the couch, she covers me with a blanket, fields phone calls, and makes her own dinner. She's a good self-starter on her homework. And I get to rest enough that I'm there for the stuff she does need me for. A baby needs you all the time...

One of the goals of the move, though, is to allow me to retire - so I don't need to drive, so I can rest and maybe recover a bit, so I can try different meds at different dosages. If I find something that allows me to be functional... fostering is something I've always had at the back of my mind. Probably wouldn't do it til Elayna goes to college, though, simply because we wouldn't have room - I can't imagine us having a big enough house unless we win the lottery or my writing hits like Steven King's, and I'm not relying upon either!

And, yanno, if you ever feel the urge to be overwhelmed by, say, two active boychildren we rent ours out. Or even pay for someone to deal with them for a few hours...

Hey, I've found three to be the magical child threshold - where they entertain each other and pretty much don't need the grownups. And Elayna may like to "babysit" (with supervision).

[zarhooie.livejournal.com]

Hey, I'll supervise. :)

[talix18.livejournal.com]

I've never wanted children. Now that I'm getting to the age when I'll no longer have the choice, I'm not so sure. I envy you already having yours - I envy everyone who isn't trying to make this decision.

[gegenschein.livejournal.com]

I actually have a question regarding epilepsy and having children, and I was wondering if you wouldn't mind me emailing you about it. I was going to do it earlier, but now that I've read this and see that it's a soft spot for you, I'm hesitating... so would it be okay if I emailed you?
-Karen

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Go for it!

[call-me-harmony.livejournal.com]

That's good to hear. Thanks for sharing this.

[marajs.livejournal.com]

I'm childless and always will be, partly by choice and partly by circumstance. There was a time I thought I'd die if I could never be a Mommy; I love kids and everyone says I'm perfect for the job. However, I'm not the sociable type and it's left me terminally single at age 40, so I doubt it will ever happen. I realized something a few years ago, though. I was raised around many cousins and friends of the family, and did my best to help care for the little ones. I had a second chance to experience the infant stages when my roommates had a baby. From a more mature viewpoint, I got to see just how much was involved in caring for a youngling who couldn't even hold her head up and such. It made me realize how very apprehensive I am about holding them when they're that little. I'm afraid of breaking them. As a result, I content myself with borrowing children and it works out very nicely because I don't have to pay for food or clothing. I can also send them home when I've had enough. I don't have to be a Mommy, I'm perfectly happy being an Auntie.

[azurelunatic]

I may well be a perpetual Auntie myself.

The Little Fayoumis (my heartsister's son) is a wonderful nephew and a great kid, and I was half-custodial auntie for four years when we lived together, but I don't know if I could start from scratch.

[jnanacandra.livejournal.com]

I'm in sort of the opposite position - we've been trying for a child for long enough I was starting to come to terms with the idea I might not be able to. And then last Saturday I found out I'm pregnant.

I'm glad you're okay.

[littlebuhnee.livejournal.com]

*smiles warmly*

[nicoletta.livejournal.com]

Wow, I have to admit usually when I read things like that I tend to get upset. I am still in the stages of not being okay with maybe never being able to have a baby. It's so much of an issue with me, I have a separate journal for it, to avoid the mess of it being on my main journal, but I have to say, as overly sensitive and weepy as I am about that. What you wrote made me want to cry, in a good way.