(no subject)

[shadesong]

I am a bit of a control freak.

I do not do well when I am helpless, powerless, when there's not a damn thing I can do.

Give me a situation where I can do just the tiniest little thing, and I am all over it. I rock.

But being helpless is very difficult for me.

And I've been helpless as regards the seizures and the resultant medications and side effects of same for over two years now. And I am helpless as regards my heart problem, and this, this out-of-control plummeting of weight.

And I'm helpless as regards the move to Boston - that all depends on Adam getting a job, and there's nothing I can do.

And there are other situations in my world right now that I won't discuss because they touch on Other People's Stuff, but - ditto. Out-of-control situations that I can do nothing to help, nothing to fix, nothing to change.

I am a tough cookie. I have been standing here. I have been being a Weeble - wobbling, but not falling down. Under extreme duress. Extreme duress. I have been weathering storms.

But goddammit, this needs to stop. I cannot keep myself calm and steady through the hurricane forever. It needs. To stop. And I am seeing no light at the end of this tunnel. What I am seeing right now is just a whoooole lot of tunnel. I am seeing Cthulhu's colon.

(See? Levity! My defense mechanism!)

And as in the previous post, I'm hitting a wall, repeating the oversimplification in my head. This needs to stop.

Comments

[mgrasso.livejournal.com]

I need to say something.

I am NOT someone to lecture someone about stress and anxiety, as I've suffered from some form of anxiety and panic disorder for probably about 25 years or so (yeah, I remember my first panic attack when I was 5 or 6). Or, maybe I am someone to lecture on the subject for precisely these reasons.

But it sounds to me like you're spiraling. And I know in the middle of a spiral, from personal experience, that's the LAST fucking thing you want to hear. But the thing is, you've got way more coping mechanisms than I do. You've got an unprecedented support system. I worry sincerely and deeply about your health and how the stress is affecting it, see. I've never had any real bad physiological complaints having to do with my panic, but it seems like some of your physical issues are coming from the stress.

You don't need me to tell you, "You don't have to do everything." Quite honestly, I don't think you'd listen. :) But you know, a vacation from everything and everyone might not be a bad idea. I look at your life and wonder where you get the time and energy to do it all. I've never been like that: I'm lazy, and I have trouble motivating myself to do even things I love sometimes. But doing nothing is an option, you know... within reason: I know you have a family to take care of.

I am concerned and thinking of you and offering you as much energy and love as I can muster. If my advice offends, feel free to ignore it and chastise me. :)

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

<>You've got an unprecedented support system.

Ha! Not really.

I've never had any real bad physiological complaints having to do with my panic, but it seems like some of your physical issues are coming from the stress.

Undoubtedly so, but now we're back to me not having any control over the things that are causing the stress, and the lack of control causing more stress...

But you know, a vacation from everything and everyone might not be a bad idea.

Can't do that til I get to Boston, can't get to Boston til Adam gets a job. *sigh*

[mgrasso.livejournal.com]

Undoubtedly so, but now we're back to me not having any control over the things that are causing the stress, and the lack of control causing more stress...

Well, this is where I wonder if perhaps some form of directed medical help, either through talk-therapy or medication, might be a good stopgap measure while it's This Bad. I'm not one of those psych-meds proselytizers; I know they're not right for everyone, but again, I can speak from my own experience.

Can't do that til I get to Boston, can't get to Boston til Adam gets a job. *sigh*

Well, let's say for now less of a concentrated vacation and more 'song-time JUST for 'song?

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Well, this is where I wonder if perhaps some form of directed medical help, either through talk-therapy or medication

Heh. Oh, you SO do not want to start that conversation.

I will refrain from my rant about the needless drugging of America, and simply note that most of those drugs are Very Bad for epileptics, putting us in a more-or-less constant seizure state, and that no amount of money would ever convince me to take even one of those pills ever again.

Well, let's say for now less of a concentrated vacation and more 'song-time JUST for 'song?

I have just-for-'song time on weekdays between 1:30 and 2:00. That's it, and that's all I have the prospect for til Boston.

[mgrasso.livejournal.com]

Re: epilepsy. Oh yeah, I forgot about that. Sorry.

I have just-for-'song time on weekdays between 1:30 and 2:00. That's it, and that's all I have the prospect for til Boston.

Okay. Sorry.

[aurora-lamour.livejournal.com]

I will refrain from my rant about the needless drugging of America, and simply note that most of those drugs are Very Bad for epileptics, putting us in a more-or-less constant seizure state, and that no amount of money would ever convince me to take even one of those pills ever again.

Do most anti-depressants have this affect? I just learned from another LJer that Abilify can lower the seizure threshold. Do you know of others? It seems that psychiatrists do not always share this info with people with seizure disorders!

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

I don't know as much about the modern stuff, but the stuff they had me on when I was a teenager, from Elavil through Thorazine and Haldol - when people who know anything about medicine and know that I'm epileptic hear about that now, they're horrified.

[aurora-lamour.livejournal.com]

Thanks. As a person newly diagnosed with seizures who had previously been diagnoses with the same behaviors as psychiatric issues, I am off most of the psychiatric meds except one anti-depressant. I will have to look it up to see how it interacts. It is scary how much of this research we have to do for ourselves and doctors don't.

[zarhooie.livejournal.com]

"Well, this is where I wonder if perhaps some form of directed medical help, either through talk-therapy or medication"

More medication? Um. Uh. No? Can we please order the flashing neon sign soon: More Medication Is Bad.

Talk therapy might be good, but... I mean, you talk enough. *blink* Talking more might like, kill you or something, and that's just another committment that you have to make.

[aurora-lamour.livejournal.com]

You've got an unprecedented support system.

I do agree with this. You have a wonderful nuclear family, tons of real life friends both locally and in Boston that you get to visit often, and more online friends than anyone I have ever known. I have to admit I am incredibly jealous of your support system.

Please don't take this the wrong way -- I am not downgrading your problems or playing "I'm worse than you". Just maybe your light, even if it is not at the END of the tunnel, but the light to light your way through the tunnel is the people who love and care for you, even people you don't even know. You somehow have an aura that attracts people to you, on LJ and in other arenas, that are all here to give you all they can to help you.

[jmspencer.livejournal.com]

can't get to Boston til Adam gets a job

Academic IT you said?

I don't know how far outside his field this is, but I just came across a posting for Simmons...

"Instructional Technologist – Technology / Academic Technology

Summary:

Work collaboratively with instructional designers, faculty, and other Academic Technology staff to develop multimedia learning objects and course materials to enhance student learning. Enable faculty and staff to create online course materials and tutorials. Ensure the overall quality and achievement of best practices in instructional technology and support the management and implementation of Course Management Systems and ePortfolios.

Essential functions of the position include:

 Evaluate learning objectives of proposed projects, develop appropriate project scope and plan information architecture.
 Develop and build tools that allow faculty and staff to enhance student learning with technology.
 Collaborate with project teams to develop, test and deploy interactive multimedia learning objects, online course materials, and educational web sites.
 Assure that work produced meets best practices in instructional technology including web standards and accessibility.
 Explore new technologies for potential application to instructional problems.

Requirements:

Master’s degree in related field and minimum 3 years relevant experience (A Bachelor’s degree and 5 years of relevant work experience may substitute for Master’s degree); must possess advanced level of skills/knowledge in web development, scheduling and organizing, graphics, desktop publishing, and presentation software. Proficiency required with the Macromedia software suite, including Flash. Requires understanding of ActionScript, JavaScript, CSS, and capability with more advanced web-based programming languages preferable (e.g., php, perl, java). Must also possess skills/experience with word processing, spreadsheet, database and email/voicemail applications.

To apply, please send resume along with work samples and cover letter to:

Simmons
Office of Human Resources
300 The Fenway
Boston, MA 02115

Email: hr@simmons.edu

Fax: 617-521-3151"

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

I'll make sure he sees this - thank you!

[jmspencer.livejournal.com]

No problem. I told you I'd keep my eyes peeled. I think it was posted a few weeks ago, but I'm not entirely sure. If I see anything else, I'll pass it on as well.

[jmspencer.livejournal.com]

Addendum to that... it's still posted on the school's website. http://www.simmons.edu/about/jobs/professional.shtml#467

[museumfreak.livejournal.com]

*mwah* i get your feeling. i feel roughly as out of control of everything as you do (my health seems to be better right now though), except that the big lie of graduate school is that you should somehow be in control, so i feel guilty for feeling out of control.

[aurora-lamour.livejournal.com]

I think grad school was when I felt the most out of control until recently when my health started to fail. I flew through my undergraduate program working full time as well with a double major. Then I got into a MSW program and hit a brick wall. It was one of the hardest things I ever did. So don't feel alone in that.

[boutell.livejournal.com]

The person who can come up with the phrase "I am seeing Cthulhu's colon" should not suffer. It is a grave injustice.

Maybe you'll find yendi a Boston gig at Arisia! Stranger things have happened. Hell, post flyers.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

The person who can come up with the phrase "I am seeing Cthulhu's colon" should not suffer.

*waves hands* Big fucking tunnel! St00pid hy00ge tunnel. *falls over*

Maybe you'll find yendi a Boston gig at Arisia! Stranger things have happened.

Hell, I've made stranger things happen.

[boutell.livejournal.com]

> I've made stranger things happen.

See, this is why I read your journal and hope to meet you someday. You're an elemental force. And a woman. And a floor wax. (:

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

And a dessert topping!

[zarhooie.livejournal.com]

Ooo... posters with his res-oome! *grin* I am liking this idea.

[themaskmaker.livejournal.com]

Tough Pissed Cookie, I hear you.

I am praying/wishing for end-of-tunnel light for you. But also for peace until that light fucking gets HERE!

Grey

[ewin.livejournal.com]

Honey, take it from one control freak to another. Let it go.

If you must do something, throw yourself whole-heartedly into the effort of attempting to be patient and not over-anticipate every outcome. Bear the uncertainty with all your might (and only that, don't try to bear any of the outcomes, you can't until they happen anyway). But there's not much else you can do. Recognize these stages of grief for what they are. Let it go.

Are you still trying to write difficult Jeramie scenes right now? Because that's not a good way to hold the panic at bay, I understand... :(

[mslaynie.livejournal.com]

I understand. I spent a nice hysterical middle-of-the-night a few days ago, telling my husband almost the same thing. I feel like I've been hanging in there, holding steady, being optimistic, keeping on keeping on. But there comes a time when it feels... overwhelming.

I don't have an answer. Talk to your friends. Find things that will bring joy to you. Beyond that, I'm still trying to figure it out myself.

[gwynraven.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry, hon. And I hate that I'm helpless to help you :-(

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

*hug* I feel the same way re: you!

[gwynraven.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I'm doing ok -- not great, mind you, but the water's not over my head anymore. Not like last year. So I'm good.

BTW -- any chance of your coming to New Orleans for the Flogging Molly concert in February?

[haikujaguar.livejournal.com]

I have noticed in general that there are two kinds of people: people who are made anxious by having the power to change things, and people who are made anxious by being unable to do so.

Most of the people I can bear are in the latter group.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Heh. Likewise. :)

[asim.livejournal.com]

(See? Levity! My defense mechanism!)

And as in the previous post, I'm hitting a wall, repeating the oversimplification in my head. This needs to stop.

Don't make me come down there and make you stop, young lady.
You cannot hold up the World.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Please come down and make me stop? *weak laugh*

[aurora-lamour.livejournal.com]

This seems to be a common theme for the beginning of 2006. My first entry of the year addressed feeling like this and I have read several others. Maybe some of it for all of us was using too many spoons over the holidays and needing to catch up. Maybe it is looking forward to another year that does not look much different than the last (that is how I feel and it sounds like you do). But maybe we can all share spoons and get through to a brighter part of the tunnel.

[caulay.livejournal.com]

I'm sure that you've heard lots of this already, that you need to let go of the need to control the things you can't. So I won't repeat it.

Just hang in there, you have lots of friends who'll do what they can to help where they can.

Ulcers

[shadefell.livejournal.com]

I posted this earlier, but don't know if you saw it.

I don't know how they determined that you didn't have ulcers, but you mentioned that you have no h.Pylori bacteria. My fiance was hospitalized for two weeks with 3 bleeding ulcers, and he had no h.Pylori bacteria. They were causes by stress and nothing more. They were also located in his duodenum, so he didn't feel actual pain from them, as you would from a stomach ulcer.

He was hospitalized because he'd lost a great deal of blood. I don't know if they did surgery to correct the problem... I meant to ask and forgot, sorry. Once he was released, he was put on a temporary soft diet, given iron pills, and given a short term supply of prilosec to take before meals.

He's fine now. He doesn't take any medications or eat any special foods. The only thing he's avoiding is soda because it can make him heart-burn-y and hey, empty calories aren't that good for him.

You mentioned you were going in for a colonoscopy. When they stick that light up your tunnel, I hope they find something simple and easy to fix... maybe a stress ulcer, maybe a small and evil gnome. I don't know. I feel weird wishing an ulcer on someone, but it really sounds like you just want some answers right now, and with all the stress you seem to have a stress-induced ulcer sounds about right.

Good luck.

Re: Ulcers

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

maybe a stress ulcer, maybe a small and evil gnome.

This so calls for a photognome anal sex joke...

And you're right, I would like an ulcer right now, just to have something concrete to deal with. (I don't know why exactly, beyond the lack of H. pylorii, they don't think I have one.)

[zarhooie.livejournal.com]

My heart is breaking for you. Do I need to beat up your duodnum?

[tmtashn.livejournal.com]

Lack of control is a huge stressor for most of us. It doesn't surprise me that you find it so for yourself.

Your health problems not only have been beyond your control but have placed you in a position of dealing with medical professionals who don't seem to be able to find a way to get them under control either. That is a hugely stressful situation, is it not? Not to mention the numerous medications which have caused reactions which added to the symptoms you've suffered...all of which would be depressing and anxiety producing.

The move to Boston which depends on Adam getting a job - this is something you want very much to do, but which is more a matter of time line than a matter of whether it will or will not happen. Let go of this one. Leave it in the hands of others, because it is a "meant to be" and a "sure to happen." The only "control" issue here is *when,* not *if.*

There is a point in our lives in which we have to recognize just how much control we really have - and that is that the only control we really have is over ourselves. Control lies in how we perceive the world around us and how we take care of ourselves so that what happens in our world is seen in the most constructive way possible, so that we learn the lessons inherent in our experiences and so that we take from every situation what we need to move forward in our lives.

I am not minimizing or trivializing how life feels for you - but I agree with others that you have a great deal more than many in facing the issues of your life. You have people who love you, who support you, who take care of you as much as you will allow them. You have a home, you have heat, you have food, and you have medical care (however inadequate it may seem at times).

I wish you to be able to let go of the things that really are not things you can control, and for there to be resolution to the chronic issues of your health in a positive and satisfactory manner. I wish, too, that you find yourself able to exhale and to recognize and enjoy the joys of your life as equal to or greater than the crises and traumas.

[cissa.livejournal.com]

Sigh. My sympathy and best wishes. I've been in that place and it sucks. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[phantom_wolfboy]

I have no useful words. I am here whenever you need to vent.

[mrf-arch.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Hang in there.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

*hugsback* Thank you...

[jenphalian.livejournal.com]

At least, if you're seeing actual colon… that probably means there isn't an enoumous cthullu-blockage you're about to run into! If you take my meaning.

[celticfeministw.livejournal.com]

Again, ah. No words. Just ethereal hugs and empathy. I hate not being able to control everything, too. *sigh*