On friends, drama, and the purpose of journalling

[shadesong]

First of all, Happy Friday, and welcome to new friends elynne, heathrow, littlefrogling, phegan77, and whitecrow0. Megadrama yesterday... lost two "friends", gained five friends. Life is weird. I always do worry about the people that add me when my LJ's in High Drama Mode... whether they just added me for the excitement and will be tempted to prod me with pointy sticks to get more fireworks... :)

So. Drama. I freakin' hate drama, believe it or not. Was analyzing this with yendi, and we figured that the reason I get into it like this is that when someone attacks me, I invariably attack back, whether they're worth it or not. I just can't stand being trash-talked (especially in my own damn journal) without stating my rebuttal. And it tends to escalate from there. The other option is to just delete the comments I don't like, so they're not just up there glaring at me waiting for me to give my side, but no - I don't want to delete comments. This is my place, a place for me to be completely honest, and deleting this just because I don't like what they say is intrinsically dishonest.

That brings me to the purpose of my journal. I started my LJ because my friends in Florida missed me and wanted to know what I was up to; not just the "Elayna got her yellow belt!" e-mails, but the regular day-to-day stuff. So I started this LJ and gave them the link. Once I started posting, other things started coming out... the self-examination. Ordering my thoughts in writing works better for me than just shuffling them inside my head. And as time went on and I started to get new LJ friends, I became aware that I had an audience, and started to try also to channel my self-examination into thing that make other people think.

I'm brutally open and honest on here. The reason I am is so my experiences can be used as a guide, both for what to do and for what not to do, and to encourage people to be open with themselves, too. Some of my most successful posts in this vein have been about things like self-injury, or getting my "voice" back. And also, dammit, if I can't be honest with myself, in my journal, what kind of person am I?

I don't hold back and I don't self-censor. And if you know me from a mailing list, you're probably accustomed to only seeing the pretty, socially acceptable parts of me. Well, this isn't a group space like a mailing list - this is my journal. *My* space. And no one has to read it if they don't want to. So if you're only here out of a sense of obligation because you know me from elsewhere, and you're not comfortable with what I talk about - you don't have to read it. You have the perfect freedom to just not read me. But I refuse to self-censor, when the purpose of this journal is to examine myself in full.

That said, I love all of my LJ friends, and I hope you do stick around - I'd like to get to know every one of you as well as you're getting to know me. *Zen hugs* (term copyright iroshi) to all of you. Have a fabulous Friday!

Comments

[bookofnights.livejournal.com]

I hate drama too. I also notice that it tends to follow me. I finally realized (some) of the reasons that I end up with this unwanted drama in my life.

1) I finally realized that (for me) while I hate drama and hate the feeling, it does teach me some lessons that I've been unable or unwilling to learn any other way.

2) I think I may also be sensitive to drama. In other words, where I see "drama", other people see... passion? exchange of ideas? discussion and even argument (but "argument" as a not bad thing)?

3) It's also a big boundary thing. When I'm clearer about my boundaries, I have less drama brought into my life. I suck at boundaries, but I'm working on them.

4) (Hate to admit this one, but...) As much as I hate drama, sometimes I need it to "kick start" my ability to take action. Whether it's removing someone that would be better off out of my life anyway (because the drama is associated with other things) or causes me to make positive changes in my life. I tend to be a responder rather than an initiator.

So drama has it's purposes in my life, but I'm working on getting those needs met in other (healthier) ways.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Hmm. I agree with these for myself, particularly #3....

[heathrow.livejournal.com]

I've been peeking at your LJ for a while. :) I'm not attracted to the drama - I'm attracted to your honesty. :)

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Thank you! :)

[elorie.livejournal.com]

Hmm. I have deleted comments people have made before in my own journal, when I felt they were just being nasty. Because, essentially, it IS my journal, and I don't have to put up with any crap from anyone in it. That doesn't mean I will cut off any debate. But it does mean it's my call whether something is over the line or not. My call. My journal, my territory, my rules. I also through long and sometimes bitter experience in e-mail lists, have learned the golden principle that if you will essentially be repeating yourself, there is no need to respond. Because if the person didn't read the first thing carefully enough, they aren't going to read the second, either. And it's not our job, boys and girls, to teach reading comprehension to grownups.

Did I mention that I'm a Capricorn? **grin**

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Agreed! And *hugs*...

[chelona.livejournal.com]

Very well said. I have been thinking about this "deleting other people's posts to your LJ" think a little lately. Because I DID delete the comments of some people recently, and ban them from commenting. And it did feel strange, but it came down to what you said here, that it is MY journal, and I decide when someone crosses the line into crap probably caused by not listening.

Thanks for saying it!

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

I've done *that* - deleted and banned - but only when I find the person totally objectionable. Only done that to two people - a confessed rapist, and the asshole who hurt my Mousie.

Re:

[chelona.livejournal.com]

This was my first time doing it. It felt strange, but right. So it was nice to see elorie expressing the same feeling. And it was only after it was very obvious that they were completely not listening to anything, and were just bent on hurting me.

I am sorry about your drama yesterday. It sounds like certainly no fun.

[whitecrow0.livejournal.com]

*'.'*^(TM) Thank you for the recognition, and for adding me.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

You're welcome... I'm trying to be open.... :)

[wintersweet.livejournal.com]

"Zen hugs" is from _The Ship who Sang_ by Anne McCaffrey, dagnabbit. *G*

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Ah, okay. :) I'm just used to hearing it from Ro...

[iroshi.livejournal.com]

And I promise I've specified that from time to time...I just use it so often, that some people pick it up without ever hearing the reference.

Re:

[wintersweet.livejournal.com]

Actually, I'd been trying to remember where it was from for DAYS, and then 'song referenced it, and I remembered. *G* It's a great phrase.

[iroshi.livejournal.com]

*Zen hugs* (term copyright iroshi)

Eeek! Ohhhh no, I don't own the copyright on that, and don't spread that I do! ::starts ducking the copyright lawyers::

That phrase is copyright Anne McAffrey and Mercedes Lackey, from The Ship Who Searched.

This is my place, a place for me to be completely honest, and deleting this just because I don't like what they say is intrinsically dishonest.

It's not dishonest. This is your place, a place for YOU. If you invited someone to a party, and they dumped junk on your floor, and left it there...is it dishonest to clean it up and never invite them back? Are you somehow *obligated* by honesty to bitch at them for it, even though you've decided they're not worth your time, and you know they'll just dump more if you say something? How is that dishonesty to clean your own house so you don't have to look at junk?

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Re: dishonesty... I don't know. It just doesn't feel right to delete...

Re:

[iroshi.livejournal.com]

Trust your feelings, then. (And I almost said 'padawan', but NO, dammit, I haven't made that decision yet and I refuse to let it be made unconsciously for me...*growl*) Not growling at you, dear, growling at *Them*...

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

*shakes her little fist at Them*

[amokk]

heh. you know that old saying "be careful what you wish for" ?

ok, so this has been my wish: i want an audience. i want a large audience, i want to say controversial things and get drama in my LJ. i wanna ban some jerk for hurting a friend. i want a flame war over something i've said.

i want the attention. ;)

now that i've voiced that, someday in the future that's *all* i'll get. everything i post will be flamed mercilessly and terribly, and i will have my heart ripped out via my spleen.

that's the price of fame, i guess. ;)

hehe

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

You ant to be me when you grow up? ;)

[piratejenny.livejournal.com]

Not sure how you'll react to this, but I'm gonna say it anyway. One of those friends really does care about you. This didn't happen because she doesn't like you, or doesn't think you're nifty--she did it to be safe. I know how that sounds, but it's honest. See, there really isn't a "cure" for depression, it's more like remission, and the things that have been happening her can cause a relapse.

Also, and this is coming from me as well, it's hurtful to keep hearing you say that you think the meds alter your mind, that it's something that can be controlled. For me it can't. I know this because it's been tried. I went on meds to get a handle on what was happening with me. I dealt with all the situational issues. I relearned how to react to situations, to not react in what's called an inappropriate manner. (I mean, I certainly am not the cause for all my family's problems, or friends' problems, and people really didn't hate me and want me dead--all that stemmed from growing up depressed and learning to react to the world as a depressed person.) My therapist and I decided that I only needed therapy on a "need-only" basis--if I had an issue come up, to call her and make an appt. or if it was an emergency to talk it out over the phone. I was ecstatic. My shrink and I then decided to start cutting back on my meds. Life was good. My job was better, I was engaged, I had tangible evidence of how much my friends cared. And I started to relapse. There were no external triggers. But I began to become uncontrollably depressed. None of the tools I had learned to use in therapy and in the out-patient program worked. With me, it's biochemical. Like a co-worker who has diabetes, I have to take a pill for my body to be healthy. I call 'em brain vitamins.

There's so much stigma attached to this, and when someone we care about implies that anti-depressants are mood-altering substances, etc. (they aren't psychotropic drugs after all), it really does hurt.

(And yes, I've spoken to her about this, because we've had similar experiences prior to going on the meds and it's actually something we talk about from time to time.)

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

You don't have to worry about me reacting to you with anger, Jenny; you're not posting with anger. I *am* listening to you and the others (those of whom that are posting actual constructive comments and not name-calling). All I'm trying to get across here is that the meds do *not* work for everyone. My depression, if it even *is* chemically related, is not chemically identical to your depression. I accept that yours is biochemical and that meds help you. Please accept that mine is not and that, therefore, meds won't help. Or at least accept the possibility.

[piratejenny.livejournal.com]

Um, that last post wasn't about you taking or not taking meds, it was about why someone had to drop out of the conversation. I was trying to explain why it happened, and explain why some of what you said can be hurtful, and depending on where anyone who is depressed is emotionally, even unsafe.

I'm not dropping you from my friends list--as I said, most external issues have been dealt with, so I'm really rather stable. And should you decide on therapy, I'll totally be there for you. I do understand the reluctance, etc. The one external factor that hit (today as a matter of fact) was I found out my sis is suicidal again. Not at all saying this to make light of your situation or for comparison, or anything like that, it's just that right now my energy is going there. She was able to discuss it with me today, so that's a good step.