The Big Thing

[shadesong]

Okay. So the Big Thing I was talking about yesterday.

*deep breath*

I...might not want to have more kids.

This isn't an active not-wanting. It's just that I always say that I want two more, a boy and another girl... and I've realized that it's become sort of a stock answer, and that I'm comfortable with what I have. That I no longer want to actively pursue having more kids.

Number of factors here. First - well, we're not rich, yendi and I. So, purely from a fiscal sense, we shouldn't be planning to increase our debt that much. It seems wiser to me to grow steadily more financially comfortable than to live in poverty with two more kids. Plus, I'd need to be out of work for a year or two until I feel the child is ready for preschool; I wouldn't want to put hir in the system before s/he was verbal. I'm *paranoid* about things happening. And we can't afford to run our household on a single income for any length of time.

Also, I'm gettin' old. Not *old* old, but I'm 28. And yendi vehemently Does Not Want babies out of wedlock. So take whenever he proposes, which could be next week or in three years (and I don't want to rush that), add a year to that for wedding planning, add a year to *that* before we start *trying* for a baby... and if we can't have one right away... I mean, I have health problems. I know some people have babies at 40 with no trouble, but I'm not likely to be one of those people.

And... I'm happy with what I have. With just Elayna. I've gotten used to having just her. And, frankly, I'm spoiled - I don't know how any future child could measure up to her. She rocks that much. And I'd rather give her all of my mommy energy than have it diluted.

Like I said, this isn't an active not-wanting... if I should happen to get pregnant, I'll have the baby (I'm pro-choice, but choose to never have an abortion myself). And we'll manage, financially and emotionally, and I'll love that baby just as much as I love Elayna, I know I will.

But my stock answer is changing. When someone asks if I want more, I won't be giving the two-more answer anymore. I guess I'll just be saying, "No, I'm happy with what I've got."

I know this probably doesn't seem like a Big Thing to some of you, but trust me... it represents a major change in my way of thinking...

Comments

[amberfox.livejournal.com]

I dunno, it sounds like at least as big a deal as the dayI realized I might want another one some day. My one was inadvertant; I always said I didn't want children. Which I still believe was a good call for me: I'm still not good with kids, and he's 6 now! But I'm getting a lot more stable with practice, so I think I might be able to handle it better if I did it again. (No way I'd want to do it alone again, though.)

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I originally never wanted kids. :) I love this one, though, and got hooked on the idea of two more...

[manifestress.livejournal.com]

It sounds like you have considered all the factors - and really weighed your choice - don't beat yourself up for wanting the best for everyone, including your fabulous daughter!

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Oh, not beating myself up! Just... a big mental adjustment.

[voltbang.livejournal.com]

We just want one. We're holding off on the surgical confirmation of that decision for now, but just one. I think one of us has said something about it to you, how we see two child parents and how much trouble they have maintaining their adult personhood. I went from not being ready and not knowing how many to wanting one. That was a transition, but I don't know what goign from more to just one would be like. It's pretty significant though. Two or more is the accepted "right" answer. When you say one, no more on the way, people feel compelled to explain to you why you need more. It's wierd.

[gothwalk.livejournal.com]

Try saying "none, we don't want kids". Everyone seems hell-bent on explaining why either we do, really, or we will. T-33 (I think) for the vasectomy.

[voltbang.livejournal.com]

I said it for years. People told me I would eventually, and I just shrugged and said "your probably right". They were.

T-33?

[gothwalk.livejournal.com]

33 days until, that is.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

we see two child parents and how much trouble they have maintaining their adult personhood

*nod* And I'm just discovering who I am, as an adult. I'm a mommy first, but I'm lots of other things, too...

And yeah. The decision feels significant. And, like you, I'm not surgically ruling it out. :) I'm just... not planning for more.

[voltbang.livejournal.com]

Yes, figure that out. I think a second child would re-define that whoness in terms of parenthood. I have a lot of that figuring out to do too.

[technomom]

I went from never wanting kids as a teen, to wanting a child so much that it was really crushing to learn that I'd be unlikely to have one without fertility treatments. Katie was a blessed surprise, my miracle girl. Her father and I planned to have several more, but we split up (he actually wanted to have at least one more DESPITE the fact that we split up).

sambear and I have three kids as a result of blending our families. And I don't think we have any trouble maintaining our "adult personhood" - but we do choose to put the family first. I don't think that would change whether we had one kid or five, honestly. And most of the real hassles we run in to have to do with being a blended family and the concomitant baggage. We're still discussing the possibility of maybe having another child. Health issues, age, money, availability of health insurance, the effects on the other kids - all of that has to be considered.

I completely support people who don't want children, or just want one. There's nothing wrong with it. It isn't as if humans need to have litters. I've not heard of any kind of population shortage anywhere on this planet. :-)

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

*nod* Since having Elayna, I've always envisioned having more kids... kind of like I envisioned myself playing Mah Jongg and being the perfect housewife. I'm just adjusting to realizing what's right for me, personally.

[podling]

I think the reason that people argue the two or more kids as being "right" is sometimes because they supposedly interact with others better, less self-centered, that sort of thing. I don't know that it's really true though, I mean, I have a brother and I'm rather self-centered (though not all the time, really). Personally I think that sort of thing is more personality based, and influenced by environment, than it is a "product of 'x' number of children family". But people are weird and they hold firm to these things.

[morenasangre.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

It's a massive decision, and in many ways a lifestyle-changing one. But I think it's a good one. You've considered both the practical and the intangible aspects of having more kids, and You've made what I agree is a wise choice. Elayna does rock, and you are a wonderful mommy to her. You've made a life and a family for yourself, and at this point in your life, *cling* to it, build it, and love it. If that means no more kids, then great. Don't endanger your happiness by having them or not having them...you have to make the decision that's right for you, and I think you've made the right one.

And I'm glad someone else agrees that 28 seems pretty old when you get there. ;-P

[technoshaman.livejournal.com]

I'll second those emotions... too many folks don't consider the economies of the situation, and end up eating out of my paycheck. (Not that I mind that when it's not their fault, but when people are having kids for the government check that's just Wrong.)

You're being responsible and selfish... and too damn many people think that last word has a negative connotation. It is okay to do what you want to do, as long as it doesn't hurt others. I think this choice actually helps.... we need more quality kids in the world, not just more of them. And it makes the Song happy. And happiness gets shared. :)

And, Song, I promise not to put kryptonite in your cheerios. :)

(for those of you with a puzzled look, to have such a super kid, you have to be SuperMom... :)

[whitecrow0.livejournal.com]

I'm glad someone else agrees that 28 seems pretty old when you get there

Try 31. :(
But I've felt ancient since I was 25, which really sucks.

I've always been on the impressionable side, and grew up with the American Dream of the picket fence, dog, Leave it to Beaverland. I just assumed I wanted kids "someday." But for so much of my life I was happy without them. After Scott had his accident, realization of mortality hit us hard, and we worried that "someday" might never have the chance to come. So we planned for Bevin.
Oh. My. Very sick during pregnancy. Almost died. Extraordinary post-partum depression. I didn't know how to care for this little baby. I didn't know how to give so much of myself to, give up so much of myself for, another person.
Just when I thought I was getting into the swing of it, breathing a sigh of relief that I'd made it through the hardest part of adjustment, ooops, looks like another one.
The entire time I was pregnant with Rhys, I was furious and frightened. I talked to my stomach with such irriation that everyone in my family began to refer to the unborn as "The Shmuck." I held Bevin very tightly and worried about how having a sibling meant that I'd have to take some attention away from him.
And then Rhys was born. I've never felt such euphoria.

It hasn't been easy. Sometimes I want more time for myself, to stop being a mother for a little bit. Sometimes I feel guilty for trying to take that space, not hovering right over them.

I've been very firm with Scott about not wanting to have more children. I have my minutes and days, though, where I desperately want just one more boy. A year ago. Right now. As soon as we're financially ready.

So, yes, 'song, changing your answer is a big decision, though I'm sure you know that you shouldn't have to be bothered in justifying it to anyone, except maybe yendi.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

*hugs* thank you... :)

What they said, plus...

[avivasedai.livejournal.com]

I know this probably doesn't seem like a Big Thing to some of you...

Are you kidding? Of course this is a big thing. This is a life-course decision. Realizing it, putting it into words, is a big deal.

Re: What they said, plus...

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

*nods* Yep... some people, though, it might not seem big to. But to me... it's big. :)

[olliesmama.livejournal.com]

I am not supposed to have any more, according to my mother...because of my health...
But if my high risk specialist says it's okay to try...shouldn't it be okay? The thing I am worried about is the fact that I am 30, I've already had three miscarraiges...I'm scared to keep trying just to get my heart broke!
But I want a daughter so bad!
*hugs*
I'm here for you, if you need to talk.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

*nod* I had three miscarriages before having Elayna... so I may not be physically able to have more kids, it may be a moot point!

[ariadnesthread.livejournal.com]

I agree with everyone--it is a Big Thing. You're obviously giving the subject a lot of careful thought, and that's great.

I'm only a very lukewarm abortion rights supporter (as in, I believe every child should be a wanted child, but I think adoption is the best way to go. I don't think I could even imagine having an abortion myself (except an extremely early RU486 one), but it is legal, so I will defend anyone's right to have one), but I really think potential parents need to think about all the issues BEFORE they have kids. It seems that too many don't.

Oddly enough, I've sort of been having the opposite thought lately. For a decade or more, I'd been certain that I didn't want kids. Most of it stemmed from a recognition of my own selfishness. I want all the cool toys for MYSELF, and I want to be able to travel, and to spend the time knowing myself, not shaping someone else. Now I'm starting to think I might actually want a child in a few years, but I'm realizing how unlikely it is that I'll get the chance to decide. I have no desire to have a child without a husband as a kid-raising partner. I firmly believe that the two-parent family is ideal (though my own family has plenty of examples of kids turning out okay in far-from-ideal situations). I have absolutely no prospect of finding a mate any time soon. I'm 29.5 now. I've concluded that having kids once I'm over 35 is not something I want to do....I wouldn't want to be a senior citizen when the kid hit college! It's funny how circumstances have started to reinforce the rather uninformed, emotional no-kid decision I made so long ago.

Maybe, as one of my friends said, I just need to get a dog.