On masks

[shadesong]

We all have masks that we wear, socially. Kind of a social shorthand, to avoid being who we really are. To make things easier. To simplify. And much of the time, we wear them out of fear of being open, out of fear of really, truly being ourselves.

The mask I most commonly wear is the sex-kitten one. It's well-worn; I've worn in more than I've worn my real face. It slips on comfortably. It feels more natural sometimes to be the sex kitten than it does to be me. It's a shield. Yes, the boys all want me when I'm wearing it, and I can get the attention and adulation without having to be me. Without having to be the small, fierce, complex person that I am. I slip on the mask, and it's shorthand, it's a signal that everyone knows how to deal with, and everyone acts accordingly. It's a look-at-me, without *me* really being the one they're looking at.

Last night was the first time in a long time, except when I'm home with just yendi and Elayna, that I haven't worn the mask for at least part of the time, where I didn't amp up my sparkling as a diversion. I didn't need to. I was able to just be who I am, and who I am is both darker and brighter than that mask. Last night I went maskless and no one ran screaming.

I am going to consciously try to do this more often. To keep myself from assuming the automatic response, to force myself to interact on a more raw and real level. It increases the chances of getting hurt... but it's exhilerating. Because when someone's interacting with the mask, I'm always aware that it's the mask they want to be with. If I'm just *me*... well, I know they like *me*. And I'm genuinely not accustomed to being liked. :)

Comments

[amberfox.livejournal.com]

*hug*

[yendi]

The thing is, sweetie, you're a lot more likeable without the mask. It's not even close.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

But there's the whole fear-of-rejection thing... if the sex-kitten's rejected, that's fine, she's not really real. If I lay myself bare and *I'm* rejected... that hurts.

Hm. This also ties in, I think, to my fear of showing people my writing...

[gothwalk.livejournal.com]

People usually don't reject the reality. They tend more to reject the mask. I've seen this a few times - one person who was wearing a mask of "independent woman who can fend for herself" (not to imply that any of the above were untrue, although I think they may have been, but this was the shape of the mask), concealing the reality of insecurity and conflicting desires underneath. And she was rejected by many people, not realising that we would all have liked the insecure person better than the strong mask.

I'm reasonably good at not wearing a mask, but I think I'm unusual in that.

[podling]

I have to agree here. I mean, it's not that people *can't* reject the reality, it's more that there's often a sense of wrongness about the masks people show to the world (and I'm not referring to you 'song, just in general) and that can make some people (like me, sometimes) uncomfortable. Because you can feel the dichotomy there, and it's an uneasiness, that makes it hard to get past. I have several friends of whom this is true, and once I did get to know them better, and get them to feel comfy letting it not be there, the friendships tended to grow. Like with my friend Joe. I have a very different experience of him (not like that!) than pretty much any of my other friends. Just how it is...

All that being said, I'm not sure I'm always maskless myself.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

*nod* The sex-kitten mask, though, is so much a part of me that I don it subconsciously...

I'm working on it, though. :)

[morenasangre.livejournal.com]

I understand more than most people can comprehend. You know that.

For me, it's the ice princess or the quiet one in the corner, nothing to see, move along.

But I agree with yendi You are more likeable than the sex-kitten mask, particularly to people who care about you. Frankly, the sex-kitten bores me. You, on the other hand, are a lovely, wonderful person whom I enjoy spending time with.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Mmm. Like the Velveteen Rabbit said (I think), sometimes it hurts to be Real...

I adore you too, of course. :)

Yay for masklessness!

[songwind.livejournal.com]

I have had periods where I wore a "public face" a lot. It always feels better to be yourself, once you work past whatever inspired you to don the mask in the first place. I'm glad you're feeling willing to let it slip more now. *hug*

[iroshi.livejournal.com]

Heh. Ask mcredneck exactly how easily I see through masks. Umm...to the point of sometimes not noticing that they're there in the first place...

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

I wouldn't be wearing it with you anyway... you already know Me. And, strangely enough, you haven't run screaming either...

Y'know...

[avivasedai.livejournal.com]

... the more I read your posts on core issues, or what I consider core issues (those issues that aren't necessarily day-to-day, work, family: the behind-the mask stuff), the more we seem alike. I've written before on the subjects of masks, if not in this journal than in others.

Interesting difference: Mask is for the face, expressions, thoughts, plotting... Shield is for body, heart, viscera. I think I wear a shield more often: I will make scathing comments, intellect as weapon or humor, (when all else fails be rational,) and have been accused of "flirting" when it was just the joy of mental stimulation to me. Putting the heart out? You must be kidding. Showing the complete dimensions of myself? No way. It's easier to control body language everywhere *but* the face - I've gotten in trouble for the way my eyebrows communicate what I might be thinking. (I've worked on that since the accusation.) The mask comes off first, then the armor... I mean, shield. Oops.

A mask doesn't have to mean untrue to yourself, however. aViva Sedai is a mask I've worn for years, and I represent myself truly, just not completely. I'm starting to wear the mask away from the inside. It's scary, feels risky, I want to delete replies to journals that don't fit aViva... but it makes life more vital to relate on that level.

I can't say sex-kitten is one I wear; much more the opposite is true with me.

New on VH-1: Behind the Mask: Rock Stars Without the Spotlight. *smile*

[voltbang.livejournal.com]

I've often been told than you only can
so what you know how to do well
and that's be you
be what your like
be like yourself
and so I'm having a wonderful time
but I'd rather be
whistling in the dark.

[astrophysicat.livejournal.com]

I take comfort in the fact that I am not the only one who thinks of They Might Be Giants lyrics at "inappropriate" times. Some of them are deceptively deep when over-interpreted.

btw, that's me I'm making fun of not you.

[voltbang.livejournal.com]

There are people who don't think of TMBG lyrics at "inappropriate" times?

That's the song I sing Maddie to sleep with.

[elynne.livejournal.com]

The only persona-mask that I've done conciously was the Bitch Queen, and I've been retiring her for years - now she only comes out on special occasions. The rest of the time, I'm just mildly cranky/bitchy/sarcastic. ;)

I bought a pair of clear glasses at Marie Claire's (or one of those mall shops) several months ago. I wear them a lot during the day, because while they don't do anything for my eyesight, they do have a UV/glare filter that I find very very useful. I've never liked wearing sunglasses, but I adore my clear glasses... and recently, I've found that I feel kind of strange being out in public without them. I take them off when I'm at home, reading, or working on a computer, so they're mostly off for work and school - but when I'm being social, I prefer to keep them on. I'm not sure if they're a mask; and if they are, I'm not sure if they aren't more true to what I "really" look like than how I am without them. If that makes any sense. :] My self-image is somewhat different from what I see in the mirror (as is true of virtually everybody), but I didn't realize how strongly my self-image needs to wear glasses. Is it really a mask if it reveals more than it hides? ;)

[mightywombat.livejournal.com]

I've never worn a mask... well, maybe NEVER is a bit harsh, but nowadays I don't. I may be more myself online, and more restrained in person, at least at first, but I don't play games like being who I'm not. I just can't do it. The problem with this is that if someone is wearing a mask around me, I'll usually take it at face (or mask) value, and go on completely and blissfully fooled.

[elorie.livejournal.com]

Wow. I had some thoughts about that very thing which I was going to send you in e-mail, but wasn't sure how you'd take it. I'm too sleepy to finish it right now, but I'll send it to you...

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

I try to always take things in the spirit that they're given. From you, it would never be meant to harm...

Yes, send! :)

[chelona.livejournal.com]

My most common mask is not really in my definition a mask at all. It is just a carefully selected subset of my personality. Selected out are those things that people might consider "out there" or "abnormal". What is left is the usually still somewhat interesting, but VERY intraverted quiet woman who doesn't say much. That IS me, but it isn't ALL of me. And I agree, it is done out of need for social shorthand. I don't use it as a shield as much, but if you read my LJ of late, maybe I should! :) *just kidding*

But when life imitates art...?

[melvh.livejournal.com]

Ah, masks. Here's one with yellow feathers & spangles...

Actually, I'm a fair hand with a mask. Creating & dismantling. Once upon a time I had several masks. The Sex Kitten, the Intellectual, the Rebel, the Bohemian, the Wise Old Soul, the.....

You get my meaning, I'm sure.

And then, one day, I discovered that most of my masks were sort of morphing into each other... into one. And then, i realized that I was morphing as well. Until the mask that remained was almost a perfect match for the being beneath it.

With the single difference that the Arrogant Chip on the Shoulder of the Mask is more a Monkey on the Back of the Person. It accepts praise as its due & I flinch away from personal compliments.

For the most part, however, the masks became me, and I them. They were the faces that I grew into....

[skylion.livejournal.com]

my most succesful mask is my "waiter mask".
i wear it at work, for my guests and co-workers.
it breaks down a little bit with my co-workers simply because I don't deal with them like I would a guest. I have to use this mask. If I don't, then I would be a miserable bum at work and would not only make little money, but would be out of a job. i couldn't be a waiter. i really am very uncomfortable around people. but for some reason this waiter mask is easy to put on.