On self-injury - a rerun!

[shadesong]

I originally posted this back in July, and it helped people, so I figured I'd put it up again. I haven't been keeping track of *exactly* how long it's been since I self-injured (has to be at least a week)... but my injury sites are clear. No wounds or scabs, currently, just the mild scarring. Which is, of course, a Good Thing. So. Here's the post:

Some people have asked what it means when I say I haven't self-injured in x number of hours/day. This is kinda a brief explanation.

Self-injury is what it sounds like. It's when a person deliberately injures themself, usually enough to draw blood. The person does this as a release of psychological tension... when it hurts too much inside, a little pain on the outside can balance you. This site (http://www.palace.net/~llama/psych/injury.html) has some good info on it - you may want to read the primer they link to from the front page.

A few people have been shocked that I was still doing it. This is actually not uncommon... like many of my PTSD symptoms (self-injury is a common PTSD behavior), this was mostly suppressed while I was dealing with the external trauma of living with, then divorcing, my ex. So when I moved up here with Adam I was finally safe... safe enough to break down in ways I'd been suppressing for seven years.

I am gradually putting myself back together. Trying to make sure all of my psychological needs are met. And as this is happening, the need to self-injure is waning. I'm not saying it'll never happen again. It probably will. From the page linked above:

"A section of the causes page discusses this in more detail, but basically studies have suggested that when people who self-injure get emotionally overwhelmed, an act of self-harm brings their levels of psychological and physiological tension and arousal back to a bearable baseline level almost immediately. In other words, they feel a strong uncomfortable emotion, don't know how to handle it, and know that hurting themselves will reduce the emotional discomfort extremely quickly. They may still feel bad (or not), but they don't have that panicky jittery trapped feeling; it's a calm bad feeling. This explains why self-injury can be so addictive: It works. When you have a quick, easy way to make the bad stuff go away for a while, why would you want to go through the hard work of finding other ways to cope?"

So. Yes. Generally, I make myself bleed at least once a day. Usually with my fingernails only, though I've used knives (not in years) and scissors (only once in the past 2 years). My target site used to be my upper thighs (which is why I never wear shorts) and is now my shoulders and upper back (which is why I rarely wear tank tops). I haven't done it in two days, and I'm proud of that, and I would like to keep on not doing it. :)

So. If you do this too, know you're not alone. :) And if any of you guys have any questions, please ask.

*hugs* to all my friends...

Comments

[tyrantmouth.livejournal.com]

*hugs* to you too...and thanks for letting some of us know we're not alone in this.

[queenofstripes.livejournal.com]

I haven't been through the same sort of traumatic experiences as you, and I don't manifest is nearly as, er, sharply, but I do understand the urges that motivate that sort of behavior. I don't stab or bleed, but I bite. I've got a pretty much self-renewing bruise on my right forearm because I bite badly enough to leave a clear dental impression whenever I'm stressed or angry... It does work, and it makes me want to shake my fist at the twit who wired up the human nervous system...

[manifestress.livejournal.com]

*megahugs*

[auryn29a.livejournal.com]

I don't bleed easily. But I rake my sharpened fingernails across my arm. It leaves marks for a few minutes. Every once in a while I break the skin. But I don't do it very often.

[amberfox.livejournal.com]

Hooray for 'song! *huggle-pounce*

I haven't been upset enough to do more than scratch myself in ages, but I've found that getting flogged is wonderful for getting rid of tension. So is BDSM, if I can relax enough, but there aren't many people I can go under for.

[hobbitblue.livejournal.com]

*hugs* healthy of you to be so open about it, and I'm glad you've been free of SI for a whole week, that's excellent :)

[mightywombat.livejournal.com]

*HUG*

[skylion.livejournal.com]

this makes me wonder about the exact definition of self injury. i have suidcide daydreams at least three to four times a day. most often at work, when there is a small lull and I have no guests to attend to at that moment. i work near the river, and the dream of submurging myself in the water is inescapable. the city is in clear view from both my workplace and my home, the dream of falling from the tallest building comes unbinden. sometimes i feel shame. more often i feel relief.

[beandelphiki.livejournal.com]

I cut. Can't say I really want to change that, but I'm glad when people can manage it if they do. Good job!

*hugz also*

[nukewolf.livejournal.com]

My arms are heavily scarred. It's calming in a way. I don't know if I'll ever stop, really. I suppose I have broken coping mechanisms, but that page is right: it works. I don't even consciously think about it when I do it, I just do it.

[dawn-again.livejournal.com]

<quietly>
Soles of my feet. Six weeks and counting.
</quietly>

Way to go!

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Re: On self-injury - a rerun!

[wolfieboy.livejournal.com]

Congratulations. It seems that it can be very difficult not to do...
According to the article, me banging my head against the wall when things go really fubar could be indicative of this. I don't think so, but I could be wrong. I'll have to think about this.

What's fascinating is that normally, I only hearing about cutting in relationship to the club and even then, not much. Now I've come across references or mention of cutting five times in the last week...

[melvh.livejournal.com]

I would donate blood. It seemed less... self-destructive. It was always rather calming to watch my lifeblood pour from my arm into a little ziploc baggie on the floor. And the local blood bank were sufficiently used to me that they would give me to Phlebotomists-in-Training. There were enough times that I ended up manipulating that big honking needle myself. Which was neat, actually, and tended to make other blood donors squirm. And I would walk away knowing I also saved someone's life --even better that I would never know who. Luckily, I didn't feel the need to bleed more often than was healthy to do so, which makes me one of the lucky ones, I suppose. And I haven't had to do this for about 15 years now.

[amokk]

I'll avoid going into psych major mode, but just barely. Not that i quite know how to react, really. i'd have to do more research before i replied, as i have no real basis of knowledge on the subject, and i hate going off talking like i have a clue when i dont, and i hate other people who do that as well.

just going to say: progress is progress. :)

[piratejenny.livejournal.com]

Hey, 'song, meant to post this over the weekend. Anyway, I thought it just might be a good idea if you'd put posts about this in cut tags, since stuff like this can be triggery for people in recovery from self-injury. And um, you've read A Bright Red Scream, yes?

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Good idea, and no, is it good?

[piratejenny.livejournal.com]

I thought it was quite good. Written by a journalist, totally non-judgmental, and explains it well for those of us who don't self-harm. I thought about it when I was severely depressed, but I scar easily. I sublimated into a tattoo, which didn't hurt (but I'd wanted one for years), and did it a bit passively, by not taking migraine meds.

Um, digressing. Anyway, the author is Marilee Strong, and she won some awards for a series of newspaper articles she wrote on the subject. Course, normal warnings apply: any book on the subject can be triggery.

[chiara607.livejournal.com]

Oh, thank you for posting this. I feel so alone sometimes, and it's lovely to know that I'm not.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

This can be such an isolating thing...