Conversations with my mother

[shadesong]

Her: "So how's Elayna doing in school?"
Me: "Much better - she really got herself caught up."
Her: "Are you sure you should be going on this trip now?"
Me: "...no, really. She's back on track."
Her: "That's what I mean."
Me: ".... so wait, you think I shouldn't go because she's doing well?"
Her: "Right."
Me: "...so... I shouldn't go away when she isn't doing well, and I shouldn't go away when she is? Then... when do I get to go away?"
Her: "Well, you have to give some things up sometimes."
Me: *speechless*

Y'know, it's good to know that I'm a crappy mom in her book no matter what. Takes off the pressure, y'know?

We have been over the fact that I have given up a lot, and continue to give up a lot, for this child. She conveniently forgets and, when reminded, will backpedal and say that's not what she meant.

And she pulled out "you have to put her first, you know." And I honestly do not remember what I said to that, because I just went into WTF mode.

Comments

[samhenderson.livejournal.com]

YOU KNOW IT'S ABOUT TIME YOU STARTED PAYING ANY ATTENTION WHATSOEVER TO YOUR CHILD INSTEAD OF IGNORING HER ALL THE TIME AND NEVER SUPPORTING HER IN THE THINGS SHE REALLY WANTS TO DO, LIKE DENEYING HER SCIENCE CAMP SO YOU CAN BY YOURSELF A CABANA BOY OR TWO.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

But I would perish without my cabana boys!!!11!

[ambelies.livejournal.com]

*sigh*

You have given up a lot for your daughter. Being able to get away is fair and right. Besides, I'm sure neither your hubby or you daughter mind.

Mother =/= martyr No matter what your mom may think.

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

In Middle English, "mother" is "moder" which kinda sounds like "martyr" so... *grin* (I have a Martyr-In-Law, so I understand)

[amokk]

I agree with "wtf mode" in this conversation. Because seriously, wtf.

[themaskmaker.livejournal.com]

Because, obviously, your mom is the Expert.

Because she was There For You, when you were Elayna's age.

Except, oh yeah. SHE WASN'T!!!!!!

Her hypocrisy enrages me.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Me too. I seriously just get stunned when stuff like that comes out of her mouth. It baffles me.

[gentleeleos.livejournal.com]

I grok. Completely. *sighs* Aren't mothers great like that? I don't have a child (yet), and mine pulls the whole passive-agressive damned-if-you-do-or-if-you-don't crud, too. Just on different topics. I've given up on winning with my mother...but I would, just once, like to break even.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Yep. This.

[cbpotts.livejournal.com]

This? This is why we in the writerartistmama tribe know how to play the drums.

You could try the 'I'm teaching her that meaningless self sacrifice isn't endearing' card. Or, you know, scream. That's what I would do.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

This? This is why we in the writerartistmama tribe know how to play the drums.

So we can hit things?

[kuangning]

Things like this would make conversations with my mother very rare things indeed.

[taura-g.livejournal.com]

I have been friends with and seen a lot of parents over the years and it really horrifies me the number that believe you should never leave your child/ren.

When I was growing up my parents took a week long vacation together every other year. And took at least one weekend trip every year. I really doubt their marriage would have survived 4 kids any other way. And I honestly remember those week long vacations of theirs to be like vacations at home for us kids. Depending on who stayed with us (and what time of year) the house turned into a bakery or we went on a number of field trips or we spent a week at beach which was only a mile away but my Mom didn't swim so she wouldn't take us by herself.

It is my belief that parents need to be able to get away every now and then because parents often need to be reminded that they need to put themselves first every now and then. If you can arrange to go away than more power to you.

[pbristow.livejournal.com]

[NODS] Also, how are kids supposed to cope with going out into the world by themselves later if they've never been without Mom for even a *week* before? Sheesh. =:o{

(Full disclosure: Never been a parent, but I have been a youngest child of four... The one she couldn't ever properly let go because then there'd be *no more children left*. =:o\)

[thevirtualjim.livejournal.com]

Putting her first is taking her on trips and such to expand her experiences at a young age instead of being stuck in the school thing 24/7. believe me, missing a little bit of school here and there will be good for her.

I wish I missed a little bit more of school at a young age to go out and do interesting things.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Oh, this is a trip without her, sadly. The book it's an extended release party for is very much rated NC-17!

I do want to go train-tripping with her, though. Show her the country. We almost did it last summer, but we found Explo, which was an even better opportunity.

[siliconshaman.livejournal.com]

Methink you don't hang up the phone often enough...

because you know, no matter what you do, it won't make any difference to her opinion of you. So you might as well save your blood pressure.

[bunny42.livejournal.com]

"So you might as well save your blood pressure."

How true. My brother just sent me a tee shirt that reads:

DARE TO BE INDIFFERENT

It's good advice, but not so easy to implement, where parents are concerned.

[ravenskye8.livejournal.com]

My mother was like that... she lived for my father and I and nothing else... if I needed or even wanted something, she sacrificed to make it happen...

It was great for me as a kid... but...

I left for college... a month later, my father died... she had nothing... no hobbies, no interests besides what I did that day at school... nothing...

She had given up who she was as a person to take care of my father and I... she was no one without us there...

It took her YEARS to redevelop herself, and to become whole again on her own...

I wouldn't wish that on anyone... especially someone with so many gifts as you...

Also - it's not a healthy lesson for Elayna... I grew up learning that it was more important to sacrifice for the sake of others than to take care of myself... It's led me to stay in toxic situations because I feel I'm abandoning my responsibility if I get out... (because my mother would have kept on even if it made her miserable, because that was her role - to do the shit so that everyone else is happy)

Elayna needs to see that adults can have competing interests from their children, and that it's okay, you don't have to give up your life and your Self to take care of your family...

Continue to be who you are FOR Elayna's sake... She needs the example of a strong mother who has a life...

*hugs*

[mendoza.livejournal.com]

I grew up learning that it was more important to sacrifice for the sake of others than to take care of myself

I think we may have had the same childhood, or maybe the same mother. You're mom's not Dutch Calvinist, is she? ;) I'm still figuring out how to balance doing right by other people with taking good care of myself.

Children learn from how their parents treat them, but even more so from how their parents treat themselves. You're setting an example to Elayna that she can be an awesome mom and still be happy and fulfilled in her own life as well as her (theoretical) child's.

You can't take good care of someone if you're not taking good care of yourself. Tell your mother that. Or, failing that, tell her that all suggestions from her regarding your parenting must be submitted on paper, in triplicate. Tell her that if she does so, you will see that they receive the attention they deserve. Bonus points if you can maintain a sugary-sweet tone while you do so.

[felisdemens.livejournal.com]

Next time, start screaming and speaking in tongues and then hang up. When you call her back, tell her you have developed Tourette's Glossolalia. Exhibit your new symptoms every time she's an asscactus. We call this "behavior modification". Or, y'know, an excellent reason to get off the phone.

[emilytheslayer.livejournal.com]

As always, the felis is wise.

[caerwynx.livejournal.com]

You know, one day your mother will say such things to you and you'll actually laugh in her ear/face. And she will be baffled. And then she'll realize the jig is up.

And you'll then write a wonderful, amazing story about it.

[sqwook.livejournal.com]

>Well, you have to give some things up sometimes.


Uh -- I share with you the speechless.

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

As long as you and Elayna and Adam have good communication and everything is good at home concerning your plans/her plans/his plans, that's the important thing.

If you were waltzing in, saying, "Ok, I'm gonna go on this adventure with s00j, bye!" and then you whisked away, that would be uncool.

You are, of course, not doing this. You are, in fact, giving her the chance to sing with the same s00j whom she loves very much, and - yeah - you guys have a good relationship, so there's been discussion and planning and inclusion.

I can see why your mom could be concerned. If Elayna was the kind of kid who acts out to get attention, if that's what the school stuff was about, she'd probably NOT be getting back on track right about now...just the opposite would be true. IMNSHO.

It's a shame your mom can't see (a) her hypocracy and (b) the way your family relationships work.

*love*

[jennifer.livejournal.com]

^

This. All of it. These words are wise.

[caulay.livejournal.com]

Just remember, crazy people don't live in the same world you do. Just nod, make vague agreeing noises and move on.

[ckd]

This sounds like a Mad Libs version of the Bush economic policy. "Economy good? Tax cuts! Economy bad? Tax cuts!"

[eustaciavye.livejournal.com]

The next time she says something like that, just say "well mom I figure as long as I don't send her off to a wilderness survival camp to nearly die in the desert before reaching physical maturity, I'm doing okay. I mean who would do something like that? oh wait..."
Then hang up.

Never let me near this woman, I will MURDER her.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Oh, you're going to meet her next week, at the S00j shows.

...I'll hide the knives.

[texmorgan.livejournal.com]

And she pulled out "you have to put her first, you know." And I honestly do not remember what I said to that, because I just went into WTF mode.

Next time act totally dumbfounded like this is awe-inspiring news to you and now that you know it you can go be the parent she pretends to think you should be. The results will be hilarious.

[pale-chartreuse.livejournal.com]

What you really need are Parental Conversation Bingo Cards, kept next to the phone.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Seriously. I also got the the "How's the weather?" and "The schools aren't closed?" Bingo items.

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

Sounds exactly like my husband's mother. "Oy vey iz mir" puts it mildly with that woman.

[dakabn.livejournal.com]

Moms have that way about them. From what I've seen here, you're as AWESOME mom.

[antsswarm.livejournal.com]

On the topic of having similarly impossible standards delivered to me from my own mother, and being able to relate to you...

...it is time, my friend, to fucking with your mother's head.

Step 1: plan a trip.
Step 2: tell your mother that you are putting Elayna into foster care while you're away because Adam's anorexia is out of control. [I don't think he's anorexic. If he is or was, uhm, sorry, bad joke.]

Step 3: *mother explodes*
Step 4: reveal the lie.
Step 5: enjoy mother's happiness that things are actually normal and fine in real life, in your house.

Step 6: go on the trip with her approval.
Step 7: eat, drink, be merry.

[tenshikurai9.livejournal.com]

She conveniently forgets and, when reminded, will backpedal and say that's not what she meant.

Then she sucks at communication skills and should learn how to shut-the-fuck-up since that's less damaging than flapping the yap.