novel augh.

[shadesong]

I am still having massive resistance to my writing, because the way this novel works is that I am digging up Deep Personal Painful Shit whether I intend to or not. And I took leave from BARCC to do this damn thing and I gotta. I can breathe without coughing now. Time to stop slacking.

But the thing that's got to be written now, it is a personal big bad, and I do not want to feel the way writing it is going to make me feel.

I have realized that what I need is to stop being so damn mean to myself about the resistance to writing. My hindbrain has reasons. For one, and I realize that this probably makes no sense to most people: When I'm writing Cicatrix in particular, I go into sort of a fugue state. This reminds my body and hindbrain of having seizures. My brain is perfectly aware that seizures are the thing what will probably kill me. So every time I sit down to work on this thing my brain is like JESUS CHRIST IT'S A LION GET IN THE CAR.



I'm aware that this is ludicrous! Unfortunately, my awareness does not fix it!

So I freak out and don't write and then I yell at myself for not having written, and then I get upset because someone is being mean to me, but I'm the someone, so "well, just don't hang out with them anymore" is not the solution. Plus, in writing this, I'm excavating pieces of my kid-self, and my kid-self kinda went through a lot of shit and needs to not be yelled at. So I'm looking at ways to reward my kid-self, and all I'm comin' up with is puppies. The kid-self has this fixation on puppy ears. But really, have you felt puppy ears?

I can't have a puppy because my husband loves me insufficiently is allergic. So I must come up with something else.

So yes. I need to find a way to apply self-discipline that is productive and not mean, because I need to get this novel the hell done. The only way it's getting done is if I manage to sit down and self-eviscerate every day.

I am so awesome to be around when I get like this, y'all.

In conclusion, I need to work on this thing now that's gonna mess me up for the rest of the day, hooray for me. Hi. Bye.

Comments

[shadowedge613.livejournal.com]

How about stickers for rewards? I've been using stickers on my calendar as a reward for self care, and it is very satisfying to see my weeks fill up with little hearts and flowers.

[cafenowhere.livejournal.com]

I'm aware that this is ludicrous! Unfortunately, my awareness does not fix it!

I have found that simply voicing out loud the ridiculous self recrimination can help. For example, the other night I said to JJ, "This is stupid but, I looked in the cupboard and I actually felt like a failure because we were already down to the blue plates." His look of stunned disbelief helped to reinforce the insanity of that voice in my head.

[archangelwells.livejournal.com]

Do you have a friend with a puppy where you can play "rent a puppy" or somesuch, and go hang out with the puppy as a reward?

Also, remember to breathe. Breathing helps everything (especially when you can do it without coughing).

~offers hugs~

[lawbabeak.livejournal.com]

Some no-kill animal shelters need volunteers to come love their doggies so they're socialized...

Or, hell, find a nearby dog park.

[lessthanthree.livejournal.com]

This! Volunteering at a shelter for small period of time would help that MUST! HELP! part of your brain, too. You could set a period of time as you go in. "If I write for two hours, I get fifteen minutes of puppies!".

Hell, even a pet store would work!

[teddywolf.livejournal.com]

Silly idea, really, but what about buying yourself a fuzzy hat with floppy puppy ears...?
Either for your own head or for somebody else in the house?

[wyld-dandelyon.livejournal.com]

Actually, I had this thought too.

If puppy ears for yourself, what about a fuzzy puppy toy?

[heavenscalyx.livejournal.com]

PUPPY EARS.

Favorite part of my parents doing dog-breeding for so many years.

Also: TINY PUPPY NOSES. AND JELLYBEAN TOES. AND WOBBLY WALK.

[kythryne.livejournal.com]

Somewhat tangentially, do you by any chance want a writing-and-puppies retreat in NH June 17-21? :)

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

I wish I could! I'm a bridesmaid on the 23rd and helping put together a lot of the wedding-weekend stuff, so I'm nervous about being out of town just then...

[grntserendipity.livejournal.com]

What can I do to help?

[rubian77.livejournal.com]

Aww, puppy ears. My dog had puppy ears even as an adult...it was my favorite part of her to pet.

I second/third the "rent a puppy/volunteer at a shelter" idea.

Also? I know that the self-evisceration is necessary to draw out the poison from the wound, so to speak -- but you have to make sure that you don't fall in too far. Just like exercise, don't do more than what you can do; push a little bit to strengthen, but not to hurt yourself.

And reward your grown-up self, too. ;)

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

See, the rewards my grown-up self wants are all things that require the assistance of other people.

[wednesday]

Yeah, hi; I might get this a little. ;)

[tenshikurai9.livejournal.com]

Is there a no kill or low kill shelter near you that needs someone to walk the dogs? You might be able to walk puppies and then change into a clean set of clothes before coming home and wash the dog hair clothes right away. Or is the allergy so severe, even that would be too much of a risk?