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As I posted last week, my grandmother has cancer; 6 months to live if she doesn't treat it, 12-18 if she does chemo.
And my parents were pushing really hard for that chemo. Which, to me, sounds impossibly cruel. I had a very strong feeling that my grandmother would refuse treatment, as she's pretty much been checked out of Life in This World for a while already. Her husband is dead, all of her friends are dead, she has no hobbies, she sits in her retirement-community condo all day and pretty much interacts with no one but my mother. She's tired. She's bored. She's okay with going. And what sense is there in grabbing for another 6 months if those months are full of pain and illness?
This is where I tell you things that will make some stuff make sense: My mother has never lived farther from her mother than about ten minutes. They speak on the phone daily, and have lunches and dinners together several times a week. This is part of why I was so difficult for my mother, and why she clung so hard to my sister that my sister is still, at 34 and married, living with my mother. In my mother's head, that's what a mother-daughter relationship is.
So I understand. I understand that my mother doesn't want to let her mother go, in part because she's her mother and she loves her, but also because she has never had a life that doesn't involve daily contact with her. This is a complete demolishing of my mother's foundations. So she's angry at her mother for refusing treatment. "Well, this means she's only going to get worse. The tumor is going to keep growing and she's just going to get sicker."
I said, "Mom, that would happen with or without chemo."
I did not remind her how horribly ill the chemo would make Grandma, because she was not able to think about that right then, I think. But I fully expect to have to sit her down when I visit later this month and talk her through this, how the chemo would put her through such incredible unthinkable misery, and then the tumor would start growing again and she would die anyway. There is no option that does not end in Grandma dying in the near future. Given that, the only humane choice is the choice with the least pain.
Mom is honoring Grandma's wishes, even though she disagrees. Which I am tremendously thankful for. (I was dreading having to sit her down and talk her out of forcibly treating my grandmother against her will.)
I will be going down to Florida soon, probably for Rosh Hashanah. That's going to be hard, but the hardest parts are yet to come. My mother will be completely unmoored. And... my sister is Not a Help. So that's all gonna fall on me. So many years of successfully Not Dealing With my Mother, and now, well, here we go.
So that's that. At least my grandmother has chosen and my mother is respecting her wishes. We have that.
And my parents were pushing really hard for that chemo. Which, to me, sounds impossibly cruel. I had a very strong feeling that my grandmother would refuse treatment, as she's pretty much been checked out of Life in This World for a while already. Her husband is dead, all of her friends are dead, she has no hobbies, she sits in her retirement-community condo all day and pretty much interacts with no one but my mother. She's tired. She's bored. She's okay with going. And what sense is there in grabbing for another 6 months if those months are full of pain and illness?
This is where I tell you things that will make some stuff make sense: My mother has never lived farther from her mother than about ten minutes. They speak on the phone daily, and have lunches and dinners together several times a week. This is part of why I was so difficult for my mother, and why she clung so hard to my sister that my sister is still, at 34 and married, living with my mother. In my mother's head, that's what a mother-daughter relationship is.
So I understand. I understand that my mother doesn't want to let her mother go, in part because she's her mother and she loves her, but also because she has never had a life that doesn't involve daily contact with her. This is a complete demolishing of my mother's foundations. So she's angry at her mother for refusing treatment. "Well, this means she's only going to get worse. The tumor is going to keep growing and she's just going to get sicker."
I said, "Mom, that would happen with or without chemo."
I did not remind her how horribly ill the chemo would make Grandma, because she was not able to think about that right then, I think. But I fully expect to have to sit her down when I visit later this month and talk her through this, how the chemo would put her through such incredible unthinkable misery, and then the tumor would start growing again and she would die anyway. There is no option that does not end in Grandma dying in the near future. Given that, the only humane choice is the choice with the least pain.
Mom is honoring Grandma's wishes, even though she disagrees. Which I am tremendously thankful for. (I was dreading having to sit her down and talk her out of forcibly treating my grandmother against her will.)
I will be going down to Florida soon, probably for Rosh Hashanah. That's going to be hard, but the hardest parts are yet to come. My mother will be completely unmoored. And... my sister is Not a Help. So that's all gonna fall on me. So many years of successfully Not Dealing With my Mother, and now, well, here we go.
So that's that. At least my grandmother has chosen and my mother is respecting her wishes. We have that.
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May this be a good sign, for all of you. *hug, on tap when you want it*
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When my father was diagnosed with cancer, various treatment options were discussed. As with your grandmother, none of them were very rosy. We had less than one month, out of the 6-12, or whatever was given him, to come to terms with it. Cancer just doesn't play nice.
Hopefully, your mother will come to understand, and hopefully things will proceed as peacefully as they can under the circumstance.
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I wish you the best in dealing with your mom.
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My thoughts are with you...
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May your grandmother enjoy her remaining days, and may they be as plentiful as she wants.
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Mom is honoring Grandma's wishes, even though she disagrees.
I'm glad Grandma can express her wishes and Mom is able to honor them even if it hurts her.
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I'm glad your grandmother is being listened to.
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Does your mom have any kind of support structure/person outside of the family? If she doesn't (and even if she does) this may be a good time for her to start looking for some sort of group -- I'd be shocked if there wasn't something in her area for people facing bereavement. If your mom is someone who holds on as tight as possible as long as possible then having something else to transfer some of that grip to, with people who are experiencing similar pain, may do your mother a lot of good. (And by proxy also do you good.)
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a) what happens if she's no longer able to speak or make her wishes known
b) if it comes time to pull the plug, what to do.
c) any last things she wants to say.
I'm sure that your grandmother already has a will, but it might be beneficial for her to start parceling stuff out now, esp. the sentimental items so that there's no quarrelling later.
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Love and hugs.
Support.
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My grandmother, mother, and sister were similarly enmeshed. I'm sure that made it harder on my mother when they both predeceased her. Since I'd been thrown out for Insufficient Loyalty To Bobbie (my mother, who expected to have preference over my husband and daughter) at that point, though, it wasn't my problem; she didn't seek it, and since I didn't know about either death till at least a year afterward, I didn't offer.
*more hugs* I'm wishing you all- but most of all you- the best in this.
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