About the "You're not fat" comments.

[shadesong]

I know y'all mean well, but you are wrong, and your assumptions and blind insistence hurt.

Don't assume I'm still skinny. Especially if you've never even seen a picture of me. Or if you haven't seen me in months.

Don't assume that, because I went through most of my life at 80-85 pounds, I think 95 is "fat". I don't. 95-100 is the ideal weight for my height and bone structure. 105 is considered overweight. I'm at 120. Remember - I'm 4'11". 120 pounds on 4'11" is round. Not butterballish, but there *is* fat involved. I am perfectly aware of this. Don't tell me it doesn't exist.

Don't try to invalidate *my* feelings about *my* body because the number on your scale is bigger than the number on mine.

I know none of you mean to be hurtful. I *know* this. But that did not stop me from crying this morning, and it's not stopping me from crying again now. Telling me I'm delusional about my weight is just as bad as my parents and grandma harping on it, just in different ways.

Most of you know the shit I went through in my childhood and teenage years, and the rape later on. I had a friend say to me once that, since she had only been raped once, she felt like she didn't have the right to feel traumatized, seeing all that *I'd* gone through. And I told her flat out that that was bullshit, that you can't compare, that she is just as hurt by her one experience as I am by my several. That the fact that *more* had happened to me didn't invalidate the fact that something horrible had happened to *her*.

Reading those comments, the poo-poo, you're so much skinnier than us, get over it comments, made me feel that I was being told that I had no right to say that I was overweight, because others are more overweight and/or have been overweight for longer.

I know that wasn't what you were consciously trying to say. But it feels like that's how you feel.

Yes, I've been a skinny girl all my life. When I was younger, it was partly due to my allergies (at one point, I was allergic to wheat and soybeans - had to have special rice-flour bread). When I was older, it was due to drugs and depression. I am happy now. So I eat every day. I eat enough to keep the hypoglycemia at bay. And since I don't go through the depression and the migraines, and I'm eating on a daily basis, I'm gaining weight.

I accept this as a trade-off for my happiness. But I'm still not completely at ease with it. It is *difficult* for someone who has *always* been a size 0 to try on the size 6 pants. And before you bitch that that's not plus-size, remember the height thing, and remember that 8 months ago, I was a 0. It's a significant change in a short time.

I'm trying to adjust to seeing myself as more Venus of Willendorf than Kate Moss. And it's not easy. And it's made harder when people try to invalidate me like that - without even knowing what I look like. And I know that's not what anyone was trying to do - but please think about what you're saying before you say it, and think about whether it will help or hurt.

Comments

[m0usegrrl.livejournal.com]

i'm sorry. no more comments from me. =(

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Don't self-censor - I know it wasn't coming from a hurtful place. It's just that I *am* struggling with this, and I'm getting so tired of being told that I have nothing to struggle with...

[technomom]

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to invalidate your feelings. I apologize. I know all too well that different weights are very different on different people - 120 is way underweight for my height (a hair shy of 5'9") and frame (large). But I hope you can find your way to feeling good about your body as it is :-)

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Nonono! It wasn't you. *hugs* No worries.

When your right.. your right.

[danorsong.livejournal.com]

Weight is something that everyone comes to on their own. I'm getting tierd of the.. but no one thinks of you as fat.. your just Lisa.
I tend to think.. I'd still be just Lisa if I were skinny..

Re: When your right.. your right.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

If you see me, it's undeniable that I've gained weight. The dichotomy is frustrating. People who see me lecture me on diet - people who don't see me assume that I'm skinny and kvetching about a 5-ounce weight gain.

Re: When your right.. your right.

[danorsong.livejournal.com]

I belive you... cause no one knows you better then yourself. I totaly sympathize with "everyone else" who tells you that your crazy. Ah well... Thing is everyone is going to just say stuff.. cause they want to make you fell better.
Anyway I have no idea where my thinking is going it's just going.

[darkmattr.livejournal.com]

But we like the big ol' ghetto bootie.

[danorsong.livejournal.com]

tee hee....

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Love you too, Howie. :)

[theomachio.livejournal.com]

Ok, I'm gonna be just a BIT contentious here.

I personally believe that your ideal weight is whatever you think your ideal weight is. If you're happy at 120, then that's it. If you wanna be a rail, then you can BE a rail - you CAN lose weight, if you choose to accept that you can. I'll tell ya a thing or three, it took me a LONG TIME to admit to myself that I wasn't happy with being fat, no matter what people said to me - ironic that those same people now say "God, you look GREAT!" referring to all the weight I've lost.

Ok, that's not contentious. This is.

Our culture is OBSESSED with losing weight. I think the ideal you described (95 to 100) is a reflection of that obsession. The truth is, fat is our body's way of storing energy for future necessity; biologically, you are SUPPOSED to be much heavier. It is healthy for you to be heavier. Just don't overdo it, obviously - there is a fine line in being overweight between being "Healthy" and your weight causing medical problems.

Second to that, I think 95 to 100 is completely unrealistic, because it presumes so much about your body. Do you know what MY ideal is supposed to be? About 150-185. Do you know how much I weight? About 243. And the clincher is, I'm only MILDLY overweight - about 20 pounds or so. Looking at me, everyone I know assumes I'm at the high end of that ideal - between 180 and 185. The problem is, MUSCLE WEIGHS MORE THAN FAT, and for tons of reasons, you want as much muscle as you can slap on. In my case, being overweight for so long built so much muscle that I weigh about 60 pounds more than I look. Your weight is a HORRIBLE indication of your physical structural health, especially if you're trying to look "better"; go buy some calipers, and use BMI (Body Mass Index) to track that, instead.

Look, I know how frustrating it is. I went through it to. I was fat for SO long - most of my childhood - and I hated it. But overtime, people told me that I "looked fine", and I accepted that. It took ONE FRIEND - a woman named Janou, back when I lived in Los Angeles - who cared enough about me to say, "I don't care what anyone says - you won't be happy until you lose weight." And at first, I HATED her for that. But when I finally admitted she was right, I lost the weight. And BOY HOWDY, were people happy with me then. And I hated those people for lying to me, all that time, saying I was "fine".

My point is, I don't want to invalidate your feelings. I say, lose the weight - it's obviously important to you. But I don't want it to be so important to you that you don't take a moment to consider if that's what YOU really want.

You want truth, right? Here's some truth.

Love to you.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

"Our culture is OBSESSED with losing weight. I think the ideal you described (95 to 100) is a reflection of that obsession." "Second to that, I think 95 to 100 is completely unrealistic, because it presumes so much about your body."

The 95 to 100 is based on both my height and my bone structure; I'm 4'11" and *very* small-boned. So the weight gain really does show up on me. Like I said, I spent most of my life around 80-85 - and I didn't even look excessively skinny! Don't want to go back down that far, though.

[sambear.livejournal.com]

Sorry if I was insensitive! I'll try to be more mindful that people sometimes just need to be *heard*, not *advised*.

*platonic snuggas offered*

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Nonono, you weren't! Is okay.

"What a guy!"

[jathomas.livejournal.com]

Very well said.

Re: "What a guy!"

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

theomachio is indeed One Of The Good Guys...

[bethynyc.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings, since I started on that thread.

If you are concerned about it, if you feel you aren't healthy, please see your doctor. He or she can give you a better idea if the weight gain is healthy or unhealthy. What is important is that you are healthy and happy about you. I'm so used to reading the inner lovely 'song! The outside? What matters is that you are happy in your own skin.

hugs-and I'm sorry that I hit a nerve. It's one of mine too.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

*hugs* No worries... it was just a straw-that-broke-the-camel's-back kind of thing.

SOmething above reminded me....

[(Anonymous)]

Hi Dear, this is Mike(y)

Someone up above was talking about "ideal weight" and the "muscle/fat" thing. that's 100% true. My ideal "fighting" weight for TKD class is 220, which I would love!

Thus week, I learned that this is 55 lbs too heavy for the people from weight watchers. I'm not a member, but Malina is and that's the _high end_ for my height in the magic book. The moral: screw them and love yourself.

Wow, I even ramble when I write.....see why I don't have one of these things....

Say huzzah and walk with me to Brewsters!

Mike

Re: SOmething above reminded me....

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I'm not very muscley either... I need to exercise! You're Built Ford Tough. :P

And yes, huzzah! :)

Re: SOmething above reminded me....

[voltbang.livejournal.com]

According to medical charts and such, Arnold Schwartzenager (however you spell his last name) is Morbidly Obese.

[phantom_wolfboy]

Well, you know they were just trying to make you feel better, so I won't go into that.

Instead, I make you this promise: any time you ask, "How'm I doing?" I shall reply with, "You are bloated like a whale, 'song! Not whalesong, but you, 'song, are like unto a whale! Or the Venus of Willendorf, whatever that is." Word for word. All you gotta do is ask. ;-)

Rather have you healthy and happy any day.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Ummyeah. Love you too, Randall. :)

[phantom_wolfboy]

Just trying to make you happy, 'song. ;-)

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Orgies tend to work better for cheering me up. Just FYI. But I appreciate the gesture. :)

[phantom_wolfboy]

But . . . hundreds if not thousands of miles . . . and Adam. I mean, I'm not a miracle worker!

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

I'm just sayin'. :)

[rubrchick]

Hi. Me again. I had to put the "Reading Shadesong's Journal" project aside for a little while, but I'm determined to get back to it.

I have such a bizarre relationship with food and weight loss, so I understand what that must have felt like for you to hear the comments from your relatives and from your friends on lj. I'll spare you the boring details of my own personal over- and underweight journey through the past 10 years of my life. But I just wanted to say that I think you are beautiful no matter what the hell your scale says when you step on it. Happiness is way prettier than skinniness, as far as I'm concerned. And I hope I'm not stepping over any boundaries when I say that.

Back to the trenches I go.