Pain

[shadesong]

I'm finally starting to accept that my body is just more sensitive than most people's. I'm medically fragile, no matter how SuperTuff I want to be.

Wrapping too many gifts in that hunched-over position sets me to whimpering as I lie back and let my back "relax"; credit the wilderness survival camp I spent my junior year in, and their refusal to give me a pack frame that they were legally obligated to give me, as my pack weighed over 25% of my body weight - the place was closed down a few years after I left because they killed kids.

If there is a cold or flu bug going around, I will catch it. It will go straight to my lungs and I will be horribly ill and develop bronchitis or an upper respiratory infection; credit childhood asthma and two hospitalizations due to pneumonia, one lung collapse (age 8).

I get sinus infections at least twice a year. This one's my fault for sticking corrosive chemicals up my nose the whole time I was in Vegas. Damn death wish.

When I get sick, I can't move. I can barely get from the bed to the couch without collapsed and weeping in anger and frustration.

I'm tiny; I never hit 5 feet. The things that would be an inconvenience to a robust 5'5"-and-up person incapacitate me.

I am sick of people nagging me to go to bed early because if gods forbid I stay up past 11 my brain will misfire at me. I'm sick of not having control over so many parts of my body, but that one the most. I get so angry post-seizure because my brain will not work the way it's supposed to.

Right now - could be worse. Right now it's just the pain radiating from my mid-to-lower back down through my legs, the mild fever, and the shitty shitty cramps that come with the first day of my period. But still.

Comments

[brother-bliss.livejournal.com]

I wish I was there to comfort you with a hot chai and a back rub. It make feel bad to see anyome in pain.
You realy should try to take it easy with your body, its the only one you get in this life.

"You have a strong spirts, but weak flesh, seems the human condition has spreaded over us all."
-some wise guy dressed in a bedsheet.

Ya Know...

[softlywhispered.livejournal.com]

Many of the things you say, echo in my life as well, The getting sick, the pnumonia, just a lot of what you wrote (save the size thing, as we know I'm just too damned tall) seem to harken into my own self... I wonder, I really do, if our life experiences add to those things? Could there be an underlying connection between the trauma's we've survived thru and the way our bodies react to stressors that come at us from all angles?

[sionainn.livejournal.com]

I know our beliefs are radically different... but here's what I believe:

I believe that God blesses us all with different gifts (well DUH!) What I've noticed is that those who are frail in body tend to be the ones that end up the "leaders" in a place like cyberspace, where your physical body doesn't matter.

Think of Stephen Hawking... the incredible mind that man has and how his body is merely a shell to house the talent within.

Yes, you have to suffer a broke-down wreck of a body... but what has come out of that wreck has been the most beautiful, inspiring, LAUGH-inducing, tears-producing, anxiously-awaiting, world-wide support networking, thought-provoking, learning about seizures and sick hippos, sharing, Elayna-growing, SHAYARA-creating woman.


YOU.


You've said before that you've had to pay a high price... and that is true. However, all the horrible things in your life have brought you to this point. And all the horrible things have always had a "good" outcome (Elayna is one of them).

Some of the things may have not yet realized their full impact on your life.

I'm rambling...


Oh, but my POINT is this: There is a REASON for the suffering. I simply cannot believe in a world where suffering exists without purpose. Where our journey is futile. Where our actions are useless. I have to believe that or I'll just give up and die.

I know a part of you believes that too or you'd have given up and died a long time ago.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

*fierce hugs*

[sionainn.livejournal.com]

*ditto*

[sionainn.livejournal.com]

a robust 5'5"-and-up person

And I think this is the first time I've been anywhere close to being called "robust"....

"Stalwart"... maybe. But robust? *stretches to her full 5'4"* Notsomuch.


;-)

[elfwench.livejournal.com]

Well, just so you know, you aren't alone here. I have my share of problems, too... Crohn's (which had me in the ER last week), Temporal Lobe Epilepsy, the mystery neurological ailment, arthritis, migraines, allergies, and a deformed vertebra in my back.

[elfwench.livejournal.com]

Oh, and for the record, I'm also a short shit. But, as a result I'm always about knocking out the people around me because I never remember to close a cabinet door.

[drakkar.livejournal.com]

I hit 30 and it all seemed to start breaking down slowly. Chronic heartburn, back pains, carpal tunnel syndromw kicking in after 9 years on computers for 10+ hours a day. Allergies that won't make up their mind.

All relatively minor compared to yuour laundry list, but I do understand.

Pain is controllable as you know. It is just a physical alarm. Of course after walking a mile with my smoke addled lungs, the small of my pain makes sure it is a five-alarm:)

Good to be back around, I must say..if I can just ever get caught up on everyone..or just start from today and work onward? :)

[rustymarble.livejournal.com]

For crampies and back pain have you ever tried the chemical heat pads with adhesive?
I think Doans and someone else have made them. One's an icy/hot for soothing sore muscles and would probably do your back good right now.
The one I used was Doans, I wore it all day during my period, under my jeans. Was pure heaven... made the cramps much more bearable.
I highly recommend for muscle and cramp pains. (the Doan's are re-stickable... I moved it from front to back all day long as my cramps scampered).
~~~~~Healing Thoughts~~~~~~

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

I'll look for 'em - thanks!

[wytchchyld.livejournal.com]

*makes you tea and offers a backrub and/or her heating pad*

[nicoletta.livejournal.com]

I completely relate here, as I sit here pondering whether to go to yet another doctor over and affliction that would litterally horrify anyone else to the ER, but simply I know what the reaction will be, and the months of drugs and treatments or worse yet the "I don't know what is wrong and there is nothing I can do." is too much for me emotionally anymore.

I don't get better, I just move on to the next ailment, I just don't whine about it outloud anymore, it makes me angry that I don't get better, and at time I take that out on others who love me and just want to help.

The biggest thing to remember is that no matter how much they push and prod and annoy is they will never be as angry with your limitations as you are. That anger is what pushes people to try and work beyond limitations. I don't know how many times I have purposefully done something that has laid me up in bed for at least 24 hours because everyone else can do that, why can't I?!!!

Learning to accept your body for what it is and be capable of dealing with things is the best thing, and I know you realize that but realizing it and doing it are very different. Sometimes it helps to hear it more.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

I don't know how many times I have purposefully done something that has laid me up in bed for at least 24 hours because everyone else can do that, why can't I?!!!

Me too!

Dear Zia

[sibylla.livejournal.com]

I'm ever so with you.

With love,
maida