On boundaries and explosions

[shadesong]

I've been doing a lot of thinking and off-LJ discussion lately about boundaries and my lack thereof. The fundamental lack of boundaries is, for me, primarily an abuse-survivor thing... often I really have no idea of where normal boundaries should go.

I tend to welcome everyone into my life. I see beauty and potential and niftiness in everyone I meet, on LJ or off, and what I tend to do is take them in and cultivate that. Unfortunately, not all of them are people I ought to be doing that with. Which is pretty much impossible for me to tell at the time, as I only see the best until it's Too Late.

My lack of boundaries makes it easy for negative people to take advantage of me. This is a recurring pattern. And that doesn't mean sexually, always; more often, it's the people who move in and take up my life and energy with their artificial drama. Their "Oh, I want to change and grow, help me!" while they keep perpetuating the same behaviors that are screwing them up but, now, involving me, and exploding whenever I say something they don't want to hear. And I let this happen. I let it happen because I see the potential there for people like this to blossom and grow, and I ignore the fact that all they want to do is fester and infect others with their drama. And they keep pushing. And pushing. And pushing.

And when they finally cross that line, after months or years of abusive behavior, and I cannot take any more - I explode. Completely blow up. When that last straw snaps, I go from zero to raving bitch in 0.2 seconds.

And if you didn't know what was happening, if you didn't see the pattern of emotional vampirism that had been accumulating over time - you think, whoa, PMS, shadesong is such a bitch for no reason. When in reality, it's just that I've taken more bullshit from the person than any three other people could, and the dam finally broke.

mousegrrl and yendi have seen this in action and can vouch, and by one of her posts in which she says I'm way nicer than I should be to people, I think iroshi has twigged to it too. :)

As I said in the comments of an earlier post - I have managed to carry my optimism regarding the basic goodness of human nature this far, through everything... I'll be damned if I'm giving it up now. But I need to find a balance. Like I said in another prior post, right now that balance is having Mouse pick my friends for me, as she has great peple-sense and knew before she even met her that this last one was Trouble.

So. That's where this came from - I do not do this to people who piss me off *once*, it only happens when you've put me through enough bullshit that no jury would find me guilty if I beat you senseless. :) So I'm trying to not get to that point with anyone again. :)

Thank you, drive through.




Comments

[skylion.livejournal.com]

my senses tell me that alot of resentment can be built up by this situation. i know that it might not be the case. but I am looking at this glass of water as half empty. so the "it might" causes me to flinch. i don't want either one of you too get hurt. esp. you.

::hugs::