Math Tournament

[shadesong]

So. She didn't win.

Our hopes were high, we were really excited, and then they left the rooms and came to the cafeteria for pizza, and she showed us her test worksheets, and we knew right then.

It's not that she didn't know the answers, she DID. It's that she dawdled.

We know dawdling is a problem for her. The teacher's spoken to us about it. But I didn't know it was this bad. She had 20 minutes to do each test... and she answered maybe 8 questions per test, average. And she knows all of the answers, I quizzed her on the later questions and she gave me the right answers *immediately*. She just sat there and daydreamed and didn't write them down.

When they called the names of the top 25 scorers and her name wasn't called, my eyes filled with tears. I didn't let her see.

She should have been up there.

And I told her I'd be happy as long as she did her best, but, dammit, she DIDN'T. So all I could do was say that I was glad she'd tried, but I knew she would have gotten a trophy if she hadn't dawdled.

I don't want to be my mother. My mother would get hostile and bitchy at me if I got a 95% on a test, because I was supposed to get 100% every single time. I'm not going to do that to Elayna.

I'm crying now because I know that she can do it, but she didn't and she doesn't care. But I won't let her see.

I just wanted her to try her best.




Comments

[cissa.livejournal.com]

That is SO hard. K was like that, too, in a way; it wasn't dawdling for her, just a refusal to do work she was perfectly capable of, but it was similar for me. It's so sad when they just do NOT do things they're prefectly capable of, and miss out as a result.

At this point I kind of regret not pushing her more. Like you, I didn't want to duplicate my parents' pressure, but I think we went too far the other way. Although given how K is, it probably didn't make much difference.

*hugs*, anyway. :)

[beandelphiki.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry about that. That is very hard to deal with, and incredibly frustrating. I'm sure my sister and I have made my mom feel the same way sometimes.

But when she runs across something that is really worth it to her to do, maybe she will try harder. I don't know how she feels about her score; you didn't say. But you DID say that you wanted her to have fun, and maybe just competing this time was fun enough...?

*hugz*

[melvh.livejournal.com]

Letting her know you're disappointed isn't the same thing as being hostile & bitchy. Even though this was extracurricular & strictly voluntary, not saying anything at all is tantamount to approving of her wasting her time, your time, the teacher's time & a spot on the competition panel that some other kid might actually have wanted and worked at.

Sure, tell her you're glad she tried, but remind her that you expected her to do her best, and you and she both know full well that she didn't.

Disappointment is often a more effetive tool than anger.....

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

*nod* That's pretty much the tack I took...

[tanaise.livejournal.com]

That is positively EVIL! Guilt trips? Hello?

oof.

[gev.livejournal.com]

I am *such* a dawdler. procrastinator even. Haven't finished reading
Procrastination yet. bought it YEARS ago. Hopeless, I'm sure.

I do hope Elayna gets over it. it sure hasn't done ME any good.

[voltbang.livejournal.com]

My mother stopped taking me to soccer games when the ball came into my part of the field and I didn't notice because I was busy looking at a butterfly. A bunch of people came rushing past, got the ball, took off to some other part of the field but I wasn't really interested.

Maybe this just isn't her sport?

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

I guess it isn't...

[hobbitblue.livejournal.com]

Awww hon *hugs* I'm glad you're working hard not to do to her what your mom did to you, have seen the results of that kind of pressure on kids and the adults they become and its so hard to shake off... My only concern is, is she likely to daydream her way through important tests and exams later on?

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

That *is* a concern... it's clear that we're going to have to really crack down on this.

[amberwitch.livejournal.com]

Not to invalidate your pain, I am just wondering why it is so important to participate in, and win, competitions. MATH competitions, in what? 2.? 3.? grade!
To me competitiveness in its own right is not something that should be incouraged (esp. not in a child) since it doesn't seem very healthy.

I realise that it must be important to you, and an integral part of society, to compete(spelling bee competitions, beauty pageans..what not) but is it really healthy, helpfull for your childs development, and nescessary?

Just another perspective, maybe all wrong:-)

a brainstormy thought

[fmi-agent.livejournal.com]

disclaimers: if this comment [from one who has little-to-no experience with kids] is not constructive, then please ignore ... i want to acknowledge the fact that this was a difficult & frustrating situation for you, but somehow i had a gut reaction to this situation that i wanted to share.

it's great that you don't pressure your kid the way your mother pressured you. and yet, at a gut level, i'm somehow uncomfortable with ANY kind of expression of disappointment by a parent in the outcome of what's supposed to be a fun extracurricular event.

i wonder whether there's some positive-reinforcement way to get elayna to work more quickly on timed exams? like, i dunno, see if you can reward her for doing her first draft of a HW assignment within a certain allotted time or something.

or to phrase it positively instead of negatively: ``maybe you just need to work on your concentration [or whateveritis] -- maybe next time, you CAN get that trophy!''

also, i'm curious about how elayna felt about the competition, and her performance ....

Re: a brainstormy thought

[teapot-farm.livejournal.com]

That's pretty much how I reacted too.
IIRC, she's improved with the dawdling on homework etc? Or am I getting her mixed up with a different child (apologies if so - I know at least two other children with the same issue, both very intelligent ones - I think it pretty much goes with the turf)? If so, anyhow, then she may just not be interested in competing, and so not trying - and I think that's a reasonable choice on her part. Though "if you're not interested that's fine, but we won't enter you in any more of these competitions because it wastes a lot of time for other people" is a fair enough response.

[tanaise.livejournal.com]

What difference does it make to you if she doesn't care? My dad probably would have loved it if I went into a science for a major, instead of history. But he never even suggested it, though he knows full well that I could have majored in anything. So she didn't win the tornement? So what? Would winning it have made her life a better place? No. Did losing it make her life a worse place? No. So what difference does it make that she didn't win? If she had a good time, who cares?

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

She is disappointed in herself. She'd assumed she was winning....