Scheherazade in Blue Jeans

On Thursday, I went to court to get the restraining order against my rapist renewed.

This time, he showed up.

I figured he would; he and his lawyer were aggressive during discussions re: the lawsuit about getting me to drop the restraining order. Which my lawyer told him I would not do. And since, he's been RSVPing to every publicly-viewable local Facebook event that I'm RSVPed to starting the day after the order was set to expire. Which sends a message.

So I went to court. He entered after me and, in an almost-empty courthouse, sat behind me. Directly behind me.

They eventually called our docket number, and we rose.

And I had to stand next to my rapist. Shaking, dry-mouthed. And the judge had me start from the beginning: what happened?

Your honor, he raped me. Two days later, he violently assaulted me. The police arrived at the end of that assault and took us to the courthouse, where he confessed, in detail, and that's when the restraining order against him was first put in place.

I'm tired of telling this story. Standing next to my unrepentant rapist while I told it was a new twist, certainly. But dear gods, I am tired of telling this story. Of saying it again and again to judges, to lawyers, to people who ask about it.

It's been two years. I have other stories now. Better stories. Stories that have nothing to do with him.

But while he continues to be unrepentant and vicious, to stalk and harass, I have to keep telling this story. And yeah. It's a way he gets to keep revictimizing me.

(He told the judge he was tired of looking over his shoulder. He's tired. Oh.)

My restraining order is renewed for another year.

Comments are closed on this post because I have nothing else to say about it. And I am going to immediately write a post about a story I like to tell. One without him in it.

This is an interesting thing about batterer's intervention programs in the state of Massachusetts. I recommend that you check it out! Of particular interest, though not mentioned on the Mass.Gov site, is the fact that in order to begin a batterer's intervention program, the perpetrator must confess to the abuse. Not just "my partner/ex claims I did X," but "I did X, Y, and Z to my partner/ex." Treatment only works when the perpetrator is actually working on it. It's not a process one can lie their way through. Which is why the success rate is high (see study info on that site). And which is also why, if a perpetrator is attending a program of this sort, they might take measures to keep their victim from stating that they're doing so: it is an admission of guilt. Obviously this is the second-most-desirable outcome in an intimate partner violence/sexual violence case - the most desirable, of course, being jail time, but a) that's a different system, criminal rather than civil, and b) only 6% of rapists ever go to jail, and that statistic includes *all* rapists; it's much lower for rapists who were in a relationship with their victims, who only rarely even get arrested, let alone tried and convicted.

Obviously, as someone who's been speaking about sexual violence on The Internets since 2002 and who's been volunteering at their local rape crisis center since '08 - go BARCC! - this is stuff that is of interest to me. People who've known me for a while will also recall that I've been planning to write a book about how to dismantle rape culture in your free time. That's mutated a bit, and will now be more about intimate partner violence; I feel like that's a useful place to focus, given its prevalence in the number of incidents of sexual violence and its shockingly low rate of prosecution. That'll be my summer/fall nonfiction writing project. I might post a few things like this here and there as my research continues. I look forward to telling you lot more about it in January.

(Comments closed for now because my parents, sister, and niece are in town and monopolizing my time; I only get ~5 minutes at a computer every day, and thus cannot moderate.)

Achievement unlocked: Restraining order extended for another year.

This was my huge stressor for this week, and it was something I couldn't talk about on the public internet because I didn't want to remind Judah that it was today. (Yay benefiting from his forgetfulness and general lack of organization.)

Because, you see, I could have seen him today. It's the one time - prior to the trial - when he's allowed to be in the same room as me. I did not sleep last night. I have been tangled up all week about this, about the possibility of him being there.

I never want to see his face again.

You must realize: When a person is looking at you and actively decides to hit you, something behind their eyes changes. Something shifts.

I had years of goofing off in the kitchen and playful funtimes with him between his upcycles of emotional abuse, but since that moment, all other images of his face are gone. When I picture Judah, that is the face I see. Him in the basement making the decision that he's going to hit me now. That he gets to hit me now, that he thinks he's broken me enough that this won't even be the last time.

I almost threw up waiting in that courtroom today.

Yes, I am brave. Yes, I am fierce and strong. But I am also very afraid of the person who looked at me like that that day.

I am saying this with the hope that it will inoculate me. That's worked with triggery stuff before - noting and accepting and mapping the thing can defuse the thing. I'm saying this because I do believe he will show up at another party he believes I'll be at. (He has not updated his home address with Probation, the victim advocate told me today. He has to be served at the makerspace he's at intermittently. He knows this, and will claim ignorance that the order was extended as long as he can, I assume.) So I'm saying this with the hope that I can circumvent it, that I can stand fast and make the call and not dissolve into a fear-puddle.

So that's my day.

* To highlight a good discussion in the comments: The hosts banned previous people after a pattern of years of sexual harassment and assault, and stated that my known rapist seemed like a danger only to me, despite his years of escalation; they banned him only after an unknown number of people complained about his presence. They banned me for saying, one time, in a text to someone else, that police presence would be a consequence of Judah breaking the restraining order I have against him. This shows an interesting set of priorities that does not go with mine, and it shows a history of said priorities.

* In the conversations at Wex's, we've been saying that the goal is a safer and healthier community. Just like Judah has to take responsibility for his actions before we can look at the restorative justice model at all, Scott has to take responsibility for his before that discussion can really include him or his gatherings. (I am not saying the latter behaviors are anywhere near as bad as the former; they are absolutely not. But people must own their behavior.)

* I cannot take part in discussions that are specific to mending Scott's relationship with the community. Not without an apology and a serious discussion. As the wounded party here, it is not my primary responsibility to patch up a branch of the community that has wounded me. My primary responsibility is healing and restructuring, which is why I hope this can be the last post I write on this for a good long time. This is not a flounce. This is a rape survivor needing to exercise self-care.

* When other people are discussing this and trying to divert it into "but what if someone's only a little bit creepy, we don't want to ostracize people," remember that that is not this situation. This is a violent rapist with a history of domestic violence and animal abuse breaking his restraining order, which he received for assault and battery. This is a person who heard "we are not going to have sex again because of your actions and probable STI status," lulled me into a false sense of security so I would take my heavy sedatives for sleep, and proceeded to penetrate me while I was unconscious. We're not talking about people who are clueless about social skills here. Don't let the conversation get derailed, those of you who are up to having it.

* Speaking of diversions, a certain commenter that a lot of you have had trouble with due to her victim-blaming has a well-known and well-documented crush on Judah. I don't know if they've already had sex, I don't care, I don't want to know. But when she offers you "more data", she is offering you the set of lies she has constructed in order (possibly with Judah's assistance) to make it okay that she wants to have sex with my rapist. Consider the source. Consider the motive. And yes, the fact that she's the long-term partner of one of the hosts should be considered in his responses, I think. (And this is what we see in victim-blaming; people not wanting to accept that someone they like/want could be a rapist, because if so, it'll make them look bad for being friends with/having sex with them. So they deny.)

* (Someone asked if this would make Arisia weird, given that we're all on staff. I don't believe so. We're all in different areas, and Arisia staff = over 100 people. Neither host has ever requested a Lit or Media track panel, and honestly I'm not sure what they do because track management is a big job so I keep my eyes on my own paper. But my chain of command is me -> Head of Programming -> Conchair, and they are in neither of those positions.)

* The goal is a safer and healthier community. The Boston geek/poly/whatever community is not a monolith; it is a Venn diagram. The hosts were only ever a tiny slice of that for me, with minimal overlap; I attended their parties to see people from other circles that I don't see as often otherwise. As far as I'm concerned, that slice that includes them is not part of my community anymore. It's something I fell into when I moved to Boston, but they first group you fall into when you go to a place doesn't have to be Your Community Forever. I have a lot of communities. I'll focus on the ones that want to be healthy and safe. I will skillshare with people who want to work on S & R's community, but I won't be trying to educate the people who have been outright nasty to me and continue to lie about me.

* At some point in August I would like to hold a gathering for people who actively want to do safer/healthier communities work. As time gets closer (after all of my frantic activity for the next few weeks!), I'll post asking for RSVPs so I'll know whether to host it at my house or book a meeting space. This will be for communities of all kinds - several people from outlying communities have asked to come already. We'll take notes and post them online. This is a process. The more people we have actively involved in it, the better able we are to build a better future. And that better future does not have to include elements that do not work in a safer community/consent culture model.

I greatly appreciate the support I've received here and elsewhere, and am glad that people who have no idea who I even am have helped highlight some of these core issues for people who might've been getting hung up on a false narrative due to being defensive regarding the actual people involved.

I feel like a lot of people are so accustomed to me speaking on these matters as an educator that they forget to keep in mind that I am a survivor. I am the survivor of years of emotional abuse at Judah's hands, culminating in rape and assault and battery. This happened only a year ago. I have been doing as well as I reasonably can, but I am not All Better, nor could anyone reasonably expect me to be. And when he suddenly appeared at a place he had every reason to believe I'd be at (injured in a way I find particularly emotionally precarious, as he knows) and no reason to believe I wouldn't be at, yes, I panicked, and panic-brains are not the most logical brains. My panic was a totally normal response under the circumstances. I was alone (Adam was out gaming with a dead phone), in physical pain, and terrified of my abuser. Those who are treating my decisions in those moments as perfectly calm and logical: Factor. That. In.

I had an excellent Readercon (it was so exactly what I needed) and have a lot of writer/editor thoughts and stuff to do, and that will be my focus for the foreseeable future. Readercon wrapup post will be the next post, after my orthopedist appointment this morning - fingers crossed that my foot is okay enough that I can get rid of The Boot!

This post is the rest of the story about my violent rapist attempting to violate his restraining order to attend an annual party I always attend, while my foot was broken. Please read that post first.

Several people here and on Facebook noticed that I left out something big: the hosts' response. I stated everywhere I was asked that this was an open-invite party, that I was sure he had not been specifically invited (as he has not been invited to any invite-only parties within the community), and that the hosts were looking into it in order to make decisions in the future (which is why I've been silent on the topic, to give them space to do so). I extended the full benefit of the doubt and expected a logical result.

I was wrong.

I did get part of that - they banned Judah, but only after hearing from multiple other people that he had "creeped on" them in the past, thereby establishing the pattern I'd been pointing at all along. But I find it telling that that's the reason. I find it interesting that one rape isn't enough to ban someone for.

How many rapes is enough? Does the rapist get to rack up a few more if they're cute? Because the party hosts have publicly declared that they ban all rapists, but the ones I know about aren't cute. Reads to me like Readercon's situation enforcing a ban against one creeper no one liked and choosing to not enforce a ban on a creeper they were friends with.

It reminds me very much of that.

I posted a later post debunking that this was a me vs. hosts thing. At that point, I thought that was true. I now know where that idea came from - it came from sunspiral and roozle making it me vs. them.

So this all becomes the story of Scott Lefton and Rachel Silber making my rape, my assault, and my fear for my life and wellbeing on that day All About Them.

Scott posted his new party rules yesterday. Many people noticed something interesting, and it's this specifically: the post, as written, defends against people protecting themselves while making no statement about not breaking laws. It makes their parties look more welcoming to rapists than to people who are afraid of encountering rapists.

In other words, calling the police as prescribed to enforce a restraining order is much, much worse than rape, assault and battery, and animal cruelty.

As I've spoken to people offline about this, I've underlined again and again that all I want is for people to be able to make an informed decision as to whether they want to be in the presence of a rapist. Scott and Rachel's prior message of "we ban all rapists" made many survivors feel safe. Knowing that they don't ban all rapists is important information. Knowing that they are deeply against the enforcing of restraining orders is also information. I know that Scott's post will guide many of us in our decisions whether to attend his functions. I genuinely thank him for that. All I wanted was for people to be aware of what their policies actually are.

So let's break down the timeline here.

At pretty much exactly 7pm, I am inundated with text messages and Gchat telling me that he's there. I start shaking; my heart starts pounding. This is the first time he's tried to hunt me down. I respond with "I thought he was banned! Do Scott & Rachel know he's there?" People promise to tell them. I wait, violently nauseous and very afraid. People get back to me: "They say that they'd ask him to leave if you were there."

Me: "But... he's a known rapist who preys on young women at their party. Why is he not banned."

Everyone: "We have no clue but they won't ask him to leave unless you're there."

(I'm paraphrasing. Screencaps and shots of my phone are available, and will almost certainly be used as evidence in the trial.)

I talk - actually on the phone, which should tell you the state I'm in - to two trusted people, which helps a little. Time is ticking by and Judah is still there. Time is ticking by and Judah's next victim is there. Time is ticking by and the only thing that will keep my rapist from raping some girl he finds there tonight is me showing up at the party. (In my triggered mind.)

Remember that I am in extreme neck/shoulder/upper back pain, btw. Which is the only reason I didn't go. Which no one knew.

I get dressed. I text party host Rachel "On my way with the restraining order." To give her time to clear him out of there. I was told that's what it would take, so that's what I did.



(I texted another person, not a host, that this would involve police, because it would if Judah refused to leave. I chose that person deliberately as I had wondered if they were aiding and abetting Judah. I was right.)

I picked up the phone to call a cab - and my hands were shaking too much to dial. I sat down. I struggled to breathe. I thought things through.

I decided that I could not walk into that party at that time and look into his cold, vicious eyes. That that would do more harm to me than good. Even though it would help others. I chose to put my own oxygen mask on first, as I say. And I still feel shitty about that. I still feel like I should have been able to charge in and fix it. But doing so would have ripped me to shreds even more.

So I chose to stay home.

Here's drwex's post about that day, which starts to show the Lefton/Silber false reality being constructed.

And here's a thing: "My understanding is that he cleared this with the hosts beforehand; my understanding is that the hosts assumed Song would not be present, though they didn't speak to her directly."

I don't know if this actually happened. As Wex said, the hosts never spoke to me directly. Personally, if I knew about a situation like this, if the restraining order was for something much lighter, not assault and battery (because anyone who has an RO against them for violent behavior is not welcome at my house, PERIOD), and the offender called asking if his victim would be there...

I would not tell him no without contacting the victim in any way to find out. Especially since, in over 7 years, the victim has only missed one of this set of parties, and was seen on social media working out her ride to the party. The default assumption would have been, should have been, that I was coming. Scott and Rachel claim that they were told I wasn't - but given that I only made that decision at 2, and only told my ride, who did not tell Scott and Rachel, I find that not very believable.

The second interesting bit of evidence of lies on the part of the hosts is here.

"uh, when the guest isnt there, and the hosts are asking the person named to leave, and that person is doing so, threatening to show up at someone's home with the police is over the line. it was being dealt with, the person was leaving, and at that point it was clearly about making a point and not caring at all about the home owners."

Judah was not asked to leave until I texted Rachel. So the story being bruited about is that the hosts were handling it and that I escalated unnecessarily. The timeline does not support this lie in any way. (I also want to point out the difference between "On my way with the restraining order" and "I'm calling the cops on you, the hosts," because that is a BIG DIFFERENCE. They're claiming the latter. It was the former.)

And that last sentence - let's look at that. If my goal had been to make a point and I had not cared about the homeowners, I would not have texted them. I texted them to give them - and Judah - time to decide whether he should stay or go. If my goal had been to bring the cops to the party, I would have shown up with the cops. So clearly that was not my goal. My goal was to get Judah to leave, which I had been told could only be accomplished by me being there.

So I texted.

And Scott went up to Judah and told him he had to leave... and told him that he was always welcome in their house. A sentiment he shared with others who were curious about what he was telling him.

I became aware of all of this later. What I knew that night was that they would be investigating and might change their policies in the future. I know that many attendees were distressed to see a rapist at the party and communicated that distress to them; I've been told that they interpreted that as being under attack and as me bringing the internet down on their heads. Which is patently ridiculous, given that I had publicly given them the benefit of the doubt every step of the way, I had not named them, and I had not let anyone theorize about what was going on in their heads.

During their "investigation", they sent me nastygrams that showed that they were focused on the utterly imaginary idea that I was calling the cops on them to the exclusion of much else. However, the preponderance of "WE ARE NOT OKAY WITH THIS RAPIST BEING AT PARTIES" did lead them to ban him.

minkrose, who has seen much more of this stuff than most anyone else, wrote about why she does not want to be around Judah Sher. She wrote that the day Scott and Rachel were due to call her. That week put a lot of stress on all of the people who've had to deal with Judah.

Caution: Rape apologism in the comments.

My pull quote from this on Facebook: "I think Judah is sick of there being consequences for his actions. I think he feels that a year is long enough, and now he gets to have whatever he wants from our community back in his life, no questions asked, no remorse demonstrated, and no improvements or changes required. When I last spoke to him, a year ago, he acted very put-upon, as if this was all something that was being done to him, that he didn’t really understand why it was happening. He wanted pity, and sympathy, and I refused to give that to him, and I cut off contact.
"I would feel better about this if Judah demonstrated steps to improve or change his behavior, but I haven’t[sic]."

So. Multiple people had issues with Judah's attendance and said so. I'm told that that made the hosts feel attacked, and that's why they attacked me. I can only reiterate that I am not responsible for the actions of others; the only actions I am responsible for are my own. (I find it interesting that they say attacked, given that I'm the one who got beaten up.)

But the fact of the matter here is that Scott and Rachel find the enforcement of a restraining order on their property to be worse than rape. Were I them, my solution to that would be to not allow people who have restraining orders against them onto my property. Clearly they've made a different choice.

Geek Social Fallacies writ large.

During the course of this, I've spoken to several people about it. Some have said "You can't expect concom rules at a house party." I don't, at all. My view has been all along that if your vocal public policy has been "we ban rapists", you are telling your guests that your party is rapist-free (to the best of your knowledge). If that policy changes, you owe it to your attendees to let them know so that they can make an informed decision about their attendance.

I'm no longer invited because of my imaginary "threat to call the police".

But I decided weeks ago that I would never attend one of their parties again. I decided it when their emissary sat across from me in a restaurant and told me that they were banning Judah, not because he raped and assaulted me and has been abusive to other party attendees in the past, but because they'd heard from too many others that he has a pattern of being sexually inappropriate towards them. Hearing it from me wasn't enough; they had to hear it from unknown numbers of other people.

One known and confessed-to rape was not enough to alter his welcome at Scott and Rachel's parties.

How many rapes do you think is too many?

I've been quiet about things with Judah for a reason: I didn't want to tip him off. But I have confirmation from my lawyer that he's been served, so now let's talk.

I've filed civil claims against Judah for three counts of assault (one assault & battery) (in Massachusetts, rape and sexual assault are not their own claims; they get filed under the generic "assault"), plus emotional distress, plus breach of contract for the rent and household expenses, plus "trespass to chattel" (breaking the cat's leg).

We are seeking a jury trial.

I originally thought he was getting served right at the same time I was reading "The Final Girl" at Arisia! But silly blue laws apparently keep people from getting served on Sundays, which was the only day we knew he'd be at the Artisans' Asylum; we had no other address for him. He's been couchsurfing on his rapidly-disappearing charm as far as I know. So it took a while to actually catch him, but we did, on March 31st.

So let's talk a little about how all this works, because data is good. I mean, I hope none of y'all ever need this data for yourselves. But. Here. If you're not interested, just scroll.

I knew I'd be filing civil claims pretty much as soon as things happened. I knew I wouldn't be able to get the rent and utilities money out of him without some kind of lawsuit! And I knew from my work with BARCC and from, y'know, the interwebs that civil case are an additional way of seeking justice and redress after rape.

Why a civil case? Jaclyn Friedman has a great post here. Many of those reasons are my reasons as well. I encourage you to read that, then come back here.

The wheels of justice turn very slowly, for civil cases as well as for criminal cases. While I was meeting with the DA, I was also meeting with my lawyer and working out a plan of action. There are a number of steps that are gone through before filing claims.

First, my lawyer notified him that I had plans to file (though not, in detail, what the counts were; some of these counts were things that we're pretty sure he didn't know he could be charged with). He was give the opportunity to settle - pay the money he already owed us, plus some for pain and suffering, and complete an anger management class and a state-certified batterer's intervention program. If he did that, we'd settle out of court.

That last part's important, and it was one of my big motivations for starting the civil proceedings in the first place. I want my damn money back. I want compensation for the work I missed due to his abuse.

But more than anything else, I do not want Judah to rape or assault anyone else.

I'm aware that I cannot actually prevent that. That, if he does it again, it is not my fault. But I resolved to do everything I could to prevent it. A batterer's intervention program and anger management training might help. It's certainly worth the attempt.

Naturally, he wasn't interested in that.

So, volley of letters and calls between lawyers. Judah was willing to pay the rent - that's one thing he'd never be able to fight in court, due to the verbiage of our lease. But nothing else. I would not accept a rent-only settlement; I insisted on treatment for him. And his lawyer mysteriously stopped responding. We gave a bit of a grace period, then filed the case this January.

Our offer for settlement has increased exponentially. Literally. We are seeking a jury trial.

Apparently he has a new lawyer, who's begged for a few weeks to get up to speed on everything, which we've granted. My lawyer has made it clear that our pre-filing settlement offer has grown stale; since we were forced to file and therefore incur more expenses and stress, things have changed.

So that's where we are now.

I am willing to answer any questions that I'm able to answer at this point. Not being able would mean legally, not emotionally.

...told you I've had a lot going on.

I am clearing the decks in preparation for writing actual positive posts!

Judah-stuff status:
* He picked up almost all of his stuff on Thursday, with the police escort. Shenanigans included trying to leave half his furniture in the room/on the curb/in the garage, arriving an hour late, and trying to get access to the cats for unknown reasons.
* He has not deliberately shown up where he knows I'll be to test the restraining order yet. I have not seen him in the wild yet and thus still don't know what he'll do when we're in the same place at the same time. Legally he has to leave immediately, but rape and assault & battery are also illegal, so who knows?
* It's weird that I don't miss him. I guess the thing is that once I knew what he was and what he'd been doing, it became really clear to my brainmeats that the person I loved never existed. It still feels odd to be in spaces I'd always been with him and yet not miss him at all.

Me-stuff:
* I have been doing all the things! I got a text from a friend the other day asking "How was the party?" and I had to ask "Which party?" because I have been to more than one party in the past month. That never happens! I'd developed this huge resistance to leaving the house that simply isn't there anymore, and I figured that out - it's because every time we went to a party or dancing or whatever, I would never get to relax. I always had to be making sure the spotlight was on him. And if he didn't feel glorified enough, he'd get cranky and we'd have to go, or he'd get cranky and insist on staying and use my desire for interaction as a metaphorical stick to beat me with. Now I can go to a party and just go to a party. I can go dancing and and dance. And leave when I want to or when my ride wants to.
* I went back to BARCC! I went to Peer Supe last week, the volunteer-group meeting. It was good. A bunch of New Kids who didn't know what happened, but also a bunch of old-timers like me who felt very affected by it all but handled their interactions with me well, as I knew they would. Really glad to be getting that community back.
* I have had two dates with a nifty person. :)

Okay! Your questions answered!

Do you have any advice for someone who, over many years, has developed an inner dialogue that only serves to self-injure?

This is one I don't know about, so I'm putting it first and throwing it out to all of you. Advice? Assistance?

Is there anything we (generic we, meaning person outside the relationship) could have done that might have gotten you out sooner/before it escalated to rape and assault?

*hugs you* This reads as you blaming yourself, which you SHOULD NOT DO.

And: no.

Many survivors of childhood trauma learn one thing before they learn anything else, and that thing is "HIDE". The abuser will tell you all the terrible things that will happen if anyone knows what's happening, and you will believe them, because even if they're a monster, they are a Trusted Adult. And for all you know, all adults are monsters and there is no help, there is only you deciding what you can live with.

That button is really hardwired. So when he threw Victoria, I covered, because terrible things would happen if anyone found out. When he cheated, I thought we worked it out privately, and I didn't tell. The other times he groped me when I was unconscious and able to consent (May was the first time he penetrated me that I'm aware of), I didn't tell.

There is nothing you could have done because *I* didn't even see it, because I was hiding on autopilot.

If you ever wonder why so many survivors of childhood abuse are abused again as adults?

Know that abusers know this.

Do you still identify with being an alchemist?

Yes.

I have been wondering and you are totally allowed to refuse to answer this but did you have a sub-let / rental agreement / contract with Judah? If so, how long before you can evict his stuff?

He's on the lease. See above for rest of answer!

If this is too painful for you to answer, don't. But I'm curious ... why was he attracted to you, when (it appears) that his value system and worldview was so different from yours? And why were you attracted to him?

Heh.

He was pretty.

He was pretty and shiny and intense in his affections. He flattered me, he showered me with adoration, he treated me like a princess when he wasn't stomping my boundaries and being abusive. (This is part of the abuse cycle: the honeymoon or hearts-and-flowers phase.) He made me believe only he could love me like this.

I was sicker when I met him. I was on anti-seizure meds that were messing with me, and I still had high levels of chronic pain, and I felt discouraged and awful and ugly and tired and he told me I was beautiful.

None of this makes me look good, but I am determined to be honest. (He told me that too, repeatedly. "If you tell, it won't make you look good." I give zero fucks. It is the truth. I will tell the truth.)

Why was he interested in me? I think that requires context.

Prior to moving here, he was in a seven-year relationship back in Cincinnati. With a woman twice his age. Who he lived with. Who took care of him, who ran his life, who he cheated on and lied to, who always took him back.

So why was he interested in me? It fits what is now clearly his MO. Older woman with organizational skills who'll put up with his shit, who'll run his life for him, who'll take care of everything so he can just fuck around.

Which I challenged from the start. Because I demand that people be their best selves, and I thought that's what he wanted. I helped him with his business, which he never did anything with. I found him lucrative opportunities doing what he said he wanted to do that he never took.

Because what he actually wanted was just to skate by doing the minimum and let me be his sugar mama. Just like what he actually wanted was cheating, not poly.

There are parts of me I think he never really saw, or simply chose to ignore.

What should I be prepared for when I share my own story of sexual assault?

This one is hard to answer, because it depends so heavily on your community. I was surprised at the absence of negativity in response to me talking about this. I don't know your community. I don't know what that's going to be like. I recommend calling your local rape crisis center to talk about how you want to go about discussing your assault.

But I can tell you some of the common reactions.

* Support. Either well-trained awesome support or awkward I don't-know-how-to-do-this support. You will have this. I already know one person who I know totally has your back.

* Disbelief is a common community reaction. I don't know how entrenched your rapist is within your community, but it's common for people to think their friend could never be a rapist. It is statistically likely that you will encounter this. I am so sorry that it is likely. Stick to your guns. It is incredibly common for a rapist to have been the survivor's friend, dating partner, or acquaintance, and we're seeing that get talked about more and more, so depending on your community's rape culture education level, this may not even be a thing. I hope it's not.

* Awkwardness. People may be thrown and have a hard time figuring out how to act around you, either because they're trying to process your rapist being a rapist or because they're afraid of hurting you. Oftentimes these are people who genuinely want to support and help you but have no idea how. Refer them to your local rape crisis center as needed - RCCs are here for friends of survivors too!

You'll find out a lot about people. Some may disappear. Many others will come out of the woodwork to support you and ask what they can do to help. You aren't alone. Many of us stand with you. Know the people you can call on when this becomes Too Much, and call on them. They love you and want to help.

You're not alone.

Just answering all here even though some were labeled okay to unscreen so everything's in the ame place.

What is your favorite Tarot card and why?
Sorry, I don't have one; I've never felt a connection with tarot!

From where I sit, you've been amazingly clear and cogent about the situation and your reaction to it. No questions per se, but if you have any thoughts that you feel like sharing about what we can do to avoid getting into such situations in the first place, I would be interested in hearing them.
Thank you. And hm. I don't have any thoughts yet, because I'm still in that place where I'm trying to figure out how this happened to me in the first place. Eventually there will be posts on that, as well as posts on what it's like to navigate this process and access these resources.

One thing that popped into my head: all of his exes were "crazy". Possessive, controlling, et cetera - everything that I assume he's saying about me now. (I do know that he's told multiple people that I "went crazy". Clearly, they looked at me, looked at him, and drew logical conclusions.) When I look back, everyone's behavior makes perfect sense - if I assume that he was lying to and cheating on them like he was with me. "All my exes are crazy" should have been a red flag. It certainly will be from now on. There will definitely be more thoughts in this vein.

Can I ask a question totally unrelated to all of your recent tsuris? Where did the name 'Gojirawitz' come from?
Adam and I like trashy pop culture. Like Godzilla, whose original name was Gojira. We joked once that, instead of me taking his name, we should make up a new name - Gojirawitz! Conveys strength, nuclear power, and mostly-just-cultural Judaism. Yeah, that stuck.

The biggest thing that I want to know is how your writing day tomorrow goes... I guess to put it bluntly, I want to hear about how you are doing at being yourself and not stifling yourself for him, and the extent to which that includes you talking about Judah is whatever extent you need that to be, but as far as I can see he can go hang, in a metaphorical sense.

I will let y'all know!

So far the process of being me-without-Judah - the deliberate aspects of it - have been going very well. The completeness of the separation helps. I went out dancing and to a burlesque show and a concert and two parties and a weird fun prom-based dance/event, and I tried out for a play - I didn't get in, but auditioning was a big step for me! I'm doing my best to take big steps, but consciously pacing myself, because I am in a variably fragile place.

But already I feel more visible. People asked me to dance at the prom thing. I wasn't expecting that. My light is brighter, if that makes sense.

And I had my first post-Judah first date (other than with Michael, who I was already involved with). See, in the time between Judah and I first dating and Judah moving here, I met this guy, and there was zing and making out, but I was overwhelmed with Judahfeels, and then Judah cheated on me days before moving back here, and our relationship got closed in order to deal. So I never followed through. So, uh, two years later, I pop up out of the blue apologizing for dropping off the face of the earth and giving the Cliff's Notes, and thank goodness for second chances is all I have to say, because dang. :)

Sometimes I talk about him. I did on the date, because my date asked, and we talked about his ex too. Sometimes I don't talk about him at all. Eventually he will fade into just being this super-evil ex and his name will rarely come up. I don't know when that will happen. It will take the time it takes.

But he is only a part of my life anymore in that his shit's still here and there'll be criminal and civil proceedings to go through. He has too much of my time, but none of my heart. Not after what he did; not knowing what he is.

The poem I'll be working on tomorrow has told me that it's called "The Life Cycle of the Phoenix".

My sleep has been massively disrupted lately, which throws everything off. Stumbling through this week. I need to get my brain to stop dreaming of him, because all of those dreams are Very Bad.

Various realizations harvested from my Twitter:

...going back through old stuff, it's amazing how much I stifled myself due to Judah's need to be the prettiest person in the room. "Judah needs the affirmation of people being into him more than I do (I have long since cultivated the Art of Not Giving a Fuck), and it's not worth fooling around if it makes him sad, so we stay closed." From a chat back in September. Welp. Seriously, god forbid people were flirting with me and not him; he had an Episode in January when a particular woman seemed more interested in me than in him. I dimmed my light a lot. I had a constant spotlight on him.

Isolating the victim from their communities is textbook DV behavior. The particular hell that's gettng me today? Had he not isolated me from my BARCC community, it wouldn't have gone this far. People would've recognized what was going on. People with experience. But I was traumatized and took leave, and then there was always a reason he gave not to go back. Every Peer Supe night, there was something else we should be doing.

It's also been pointed out to me that he didn't just passively keep me from writing, he actively did so by not leaving the house on time or at all.

Observations of others: He kept bringing "friends" around who would stomp on your boundaries, big time. Of course, you never talked about the actual cheating, so I didn't know about that. But I've been thinking, "You know, a loving partner wouldn't keep bringing nasty people into YOUR life and letting them trash you." And then you two would have a big talk and get your boundaries all re-defined again, and things would be better for a while. Until the next time.

From a person who's been through a relationship like this: My bet is that Judah has been a guy who just needed a break & some time to get things moving & whatever since you met him. His compliments at the beginning were some of the most amazing things anyone ever said to you. And then they got less sweet, but not actually cruel. And you questioned yourself over whether or not you were holding up your end. Then there was the flirting that was harmless but not, and okay you were busy & he wasn't breaking any rules until he was & that was your fault too. Because you weren't supportive enough or nice enough or whatever the line was & someone else was there for him. And sex was an issue in one way or another, along with money. And yeah, you were arguing with him so it wasn't his fault that he said mean things or hurt you or whatever. It was still all your fault. I know that whole song. Hell I think I used to sing it to myself. And I'm certain you weren't perfect GF & knew it so you ran around trying to be perfect through all of this so you could get back the guy you fell in love with who was so amazing.

I have a lot more stuff from a lot more people, including several of his exes, but it's all identifiable.

*sigh* He told the people who helped him last week that he intended to have his stuff out of here within the week. Well, it's a full week later, and I have yet to hear from the cops or the courts that he's attempted to set up a day and time for that. Which is what I expected, because I ran his entire life, and I knew he wouldn't be able to get anything done without me. We're coming up on a point where he'll need to pay July rent as well, so at least his laziness is delaying our financial setback.

Today I have writer-work to do, and cleaning, if I can shake this exhaustion.

Realized last night that I am, in fact, not going to have another baby.

Judah and I had talked about children, you see. A lot. Because Judah really, really wanted kids. Judah was baby-crazy, I'd joke to everyone. Rarely did a week pass that he didn't talk about impregnating me.

And I'm 39, you know. And my body is not best suited to pregnancy at this point of disability. So there was a timecrunch factor, and some leeriness on my part. But Judah had to have a baby...

So I was thinking about that this morning, about the realization that I was definitely not having a baby now, about how it was a relief to have that pressure to breed anew off me...

...

...oh yeah.

Reproductive coercion is totally a thing.

...I expect these things to keep occurring to me as time passes. I expect to keep recording them here as they do.