Out of Order

[shadesong]

You know a good way to find out what's really going on in your head? Talk to someone who hasn't read LJ in months. Whatever comes out first and most. That's what's going on.

You're welcome.

So I started talking to kires about baby stuff, which deserves and will get its own post. And then I slid into body stuff. Weight stuff, to be exact. Body image stuff.

Stuff that I will do anything to avoid calling eating-disorder stuff, it seems.

When I was in middle school, I didn't eat lunch. I rarely ate breakfast, didn't eat much dinner. I wasn't a classic anorexic, because I never thought I was fat. I was just going through a lot of traumatic stuff that was completely beyond my control. And the only thing that it seemed I could control was my food intake. So I did.

This changed. I've had body image issues since, but nothing having to do with eating or not-eating. Believe me when I say that this is not stuff that has troubled me; this is stuff that was classified under "control issues" and mostly forgotten.

I gained weight when I had Miss Kid, but not too much. Still okay with my weight. Then I gained weight when I moved to Atlanta, and I wasn't so happy with that - too much! I didn't feel like me. Major depression. I felt very out of control.

Then I got put on Lamictal, and I dropped 30 pounds in three months, and kept dropping, for a total of 45 pounds over the past almost-two years.

My entire body has gone haywire. I am in control of absolutely nothing.

Except.

I could be in control of the one thing that I was in control of when I was 12, 13.

I can lose more weight.

This is the battle I have every day now.

I look at myself and I KNOW that my body is not healthy at this weight. But I see the little roll of a belly and think "If I skip lunches this week..."

"If you skip lunches this week, you'll be what, 87?"

"But I won't have any fat anymore."

"You're supposed to have fat."

"I can make it go away."

"You shouldn't."

"But I can, and there's so little that I CAN DO..."

I eat my three meals a day, and dessert whenever I'm not too nauseous. docorion sends chocolates, and I eat them. And I don't have this battle every day, but when I do, it's horrible. When I do, I panic, I want to cry, I'm desperate to not have to choke down that burger - every bite an act of unwilling surrender, another wave of nausea.

I have not succumbed to this. I am a tough chick.

It's hard. I have to hold these two things in my head at the same time all day every day. The knowledge that I am unhealthily thin - and the image in the mirror that tells me that I have that fat still on me. The voice that tells me that my body is crashing, and the voice that tells me that a few more pounds won't make a damn bit of difference.

It. Is. Hard.

Okay?

It is.

And there you have it. I am done writing about it for now.

Comments

[fiddledragon]

Hrm - could you turn into another form of control - a positive form? Taking control of eating healthy and enough is just as much a form of control as controlling your weight by losing it.

Unfortunately, the media has us convinced that the only way to control food intake is to eat less, and the only way to measure the success of that control is by losing weight.

But, and this is a hard one to do, if you separate the measure of success being weight, and focus instead on a measure of success maybe along the lines of a chart that says "Yes, I planned to eat these meals, and I ate them - see? Now here's my sticker ;) " (thinking of the stickers I'd get for not sucking my finger at school) *chuckle*.

Does ginger or lemon drops or any of the other morning sickness tips and tricks help with the medication induced nausea?

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

I could maybe do stickers, and give myself a prize...

As for candy: my appetite is genuinely so tiny that I fear they'd kill it!

[fiddledragon]

Do you like gingerale? Or ginger tea? Maybe have some of those instead of something else to drink?

Other things our doctor suggested since we're dealing with weight issues for Kritter and Spud...instead of plain crackers, add some cream cheese or regular cheese. Make every calorie count...so...(I know you don't like yogurt, but this is an example that we use at home) maybe use full fat yogurt instead of low-fat yogurt...instead of 2% or skim milk, use whole milk. Instead of diet soda, drink regular soda. Add honey to your tea.

So maybe eat the same amount of volume, but try to pack in as many calories as possible within that volume.

Other morning sickness tips (that might help battle the nausea) were (in case you forgot) eating something small and starchy before moving in the morning (ie., have some pretzels or saltines (saltines for you! as they have more calories than pretzles ;) ) by the bedside so that before you even get out of bed, you get a little something in your stomach to settle it. Eat many mini-meals throughout the day rather than 3 "big" meals. Try not to go more than 3 hours without a little something (carrots with dip make a good nutritious, yet calorie filled meal - ditto on veggies and peanut butter, etc)

[juliansinger.livejournal.com]

It is very hard.

And I'm glad you're keeping the fight going. (The very tiring fight.)

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

*nod* I was going to say that I've put my big-girl panties on and I'm dealing with it, but my panties have bunnies on them, so....

But I am dealing with it! :)

[zarhooie.livejournal.com]

Anna and I were sussing out ways to make you be less tiny. I was thinking about suggesting maybe a really super light weight lifing regi-something (can't spell, don't want to spell it wrong) because muscle weighs more than fat to help you gain weight. The bad part of that is that muscle burns more calories than fat and you're already eating as much as you can. Hrm. Someday my mouth will learn to be shut.

[nancylebov.livejournal.com]

Here's a weird suggestion: Check out Peter Ralston's _The Principles of Effortless Power_--it's by a martial arts guy and it's about super-efficient movement. As far as I can tell, it's mostly valid.[1] If you want to fiddle with your body without hurting yourself, paying attention to just letting gravity connect you to the planet rather than making extra efforts to hold yourself up is pretty harmless.

I applied some of the principles while dancing at a party a week or so ago. I had fun, did some mild jumping (something I don't usually do since I worry about my knees), didn't hurt my knees, and got compliments on my dancing, which last is something that generally doesn't happen.

[1] My one nitpick is that he doesn't seem to know why you don't collapse if you quit fighting gravity. I've heard a plausible theory from David Gorman (http://www.learningmethods.com) that there are (anti-)stretch reflexes which keep people from bending forward and falling over.

[ewin.livejournal.com]

I feel a lot more control over my food intake when I'm regulating what I eat, rather than the amount. My appetite is beyond my control. But I do try to eat good food that gives me visions of putting good things into my body, and even then, if it results in a little bit of fat, I can envision it as being necessary energy storage rather than the evil flabby thing that pop culture would have me believe it is.

If you have some fat left, that is a GOOD thing. That means your tough little body is still managing to hold out against the possibility of famine. Look at that little belly of yours and try to see it as a super-charged package of energy that has ensured the survival of this species through ice ages and billions of miles of migration. Modern fashion is NOTHING compared to the power inherent in your biology.

[eyewrist.livejournal.com]

Just a thought too.. the more sugar you eat, the more likely you'll feel tired.

I know exhaustion is a strong side effect for you, as it is me, and one thing I'm trying to do is eliminate sugar as much as possible. I wonder if avoiding things like chocolate and eating things more un-processed would benefit you more.

[moonfire77.livejournal.com]

We haven't met, but I've seen your pics...you are NOT fat. You are beautiful but super thin. And repeating what everyone else has said, if you want to control your weight, at this stage it makes more sense to control it by making it go UP than down. That is control too. Eat healthy stuff, and that includes some fat. No nutritionist worth her degree would ever tell you that a zero fat diet is healthy, especially when you're a full grown adult who weighs less than some children. You're trying to get healthy, right? So EAT.

Er, sorry, got a little ranty there. *HUGS* no one is saying it will be easy, but like you said, you are One Tough Chick and you can do it.

[wytchchyld.livejournal.com]

Thank you for this, 'song. I have a lover who is battling anorexia and has been since he was 13 and it's nice to get another look at some of what might be going on in his head so I can understand it better.

[dragon-spirit.livejournal.com]

Thank you for writing about this. Seriously.

Only in the last month or so have I really started confronting my issues about food and weight. I feel like I have no right to have these issues, or to complain about them, seeing as how I'm a fat girl. But the hard truth is, food is a struggle every day. It always has been. If I don't eat, the negative health effects are immediate and painful. If I do eat, I'm swallowing guilt and shame with every bite.

I have a prescription for pot, which helps me to eat without so much anxiety, but what I haven't told any of my doctors is that when I don't use pot, I just don't eat. When I get hungry I'll just go to the kitchen, open the cabinets, the fridge, the freezer, look at the food, and leave.

And the funny thing is that I don't hate myself for being fat. I love my body. I wouldn't mind losing weight, but my self-worth doesn't revolve around that. But for me, not eating isn't about losing weight or fearing fat, it's simply about control. After 9/11, for example, for several weeks I went into binge-purge-starve cycles, just trying to feel like something was in my hands. When my depression gets bad and I'm out of pot, the whole thing begins again.

I understand wanting to feel like you can control something. I also understand the vast difference between the real-self and the mirror-self, and the vehemence of those hypercritical voices that we all carry around. I wish I could say something to help you, but I'm having a hard enough time helping myself. But I can give you sympathy and hugs. Yes, lots of those.

[vicious-bomber.livejournal.com]

If you need to control your food intake why not go in another direction. Instead of NOT eating, try only eating things that taste great. Make your own gormet meals, try new recipies. IF you have to control your food, make it fun and better for you instead of FOOD BAD.

Not to mention that being able to create great food can give you a feeling of acomplishment that few other things can. At least thats how I feel about it.

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

Ok, so reading this helped me to confess a bit of my own issues (http://www.livejournal.com/users/elionwyr/1231799.html)..

I am not anorexic.
I do have food/eating/body image issues that are... I don't generally trust what I see in the mirror. There are times (like now) when I know I should be eating - feed the machine - but I prefer to feel hungry. It's control, and I frankly feel like an idiot admitting to it because..well, see statement above. 'You're not anorexic, so what the hell are you complaining about?' is what my head tells me.

..Eh. This is a very badly composed post. But..I think I grok. It's not (much) about what you're eating or changing your menus, is it? It's about what the monster in your head is telling you. And if it's anything like my monster, it's hard sometimes to get him back into his cage with the muzzle on.

(Where the hell IS that monster mute button..?)

*hug*

[popfiend.livejournal.com]

Aside from the "medical fuckery", are there any specifc physical/emotional triggers that make you NOT want to eat?

[popfiend.livejournal.com]

I neglected to provide this:

*HUG*

You may now return to your regularly scheduled post.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Nope.

Background: My medication makes me extremely nauseous. It's one of the more constant side effects.

[popfiend.livejournal.com]

Damn. So sorry. I know you've probably looked into alternatives up and down, but do your current meds have the least amount of side effects? Or is it a trade off between side effects and effectiveness.

BTW, I discovered you via kradical, so you can thank him for my sticking my nose into your business.

Peace.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Well, all anti-seizure meds have side effects; it's just a toss-up as to which ones I'll get from a given med. The nausea and exhaustion have been fairly constant on the four I've been on. And my doc is digging in her feet about trying different meds...

KRAD rocks. :)

[fmh.livejournal.com]

Shade, fat insulates your organs, lines the cells of your brain, and holds your skin on. Fat is important. A healthy woman is supposed to have around 16% body fat. Lets find some other, more positive, way you can effect change and exert control over your body. Now I'm sorta' talking out of my ass right now, because at the moment I have very few ideas of what that could be. I use to play around with vitamins and supplements back in the day, kept my energy levels up, what about something like that?

[whitecrow0.livejournal.com]

I have suspected this of you because of something you wrote some time ago (Write what you know...) and because, reading between the lines, you do seem to focus on your weight and what you eat. Which is not bad; it could go either way, depending on what you do with it. It's nice to see you letting it out, though.

Perhaps one day you'd make a post of all the things you love to eat and drink so that if people are so inclined, they can tempt you with those? I'm sure you will find a positive way to find control because you want to be here for Elayna instead of taking risks with your health.

{{{}}}

[gothwalk.livejournal.com]

I'm becoming more and more interested in the concepts surrounding body image, the notion that that not-absolutely-flat stomach = fat. Years ago, I went out with a girl who was borderline anorexic, and who thought of her (stick thin) figure as "my belly just sticks out". Well yes, bellies do that, that's part of the normal human shape. She'd have looked bloody weird if it didn't.

I'm wondering where the breakdown in perception is that makes us think that any deviation from straight lines is "wrong", and thinking about the hapticity of modern thought, and a bunch of other things that I should probably think about in a more structured way.

[azhure.livejournal.com]

*hug*

Just being open and honest about it is a huge step. It's so acceptable to be focused upon your weight and losing weight in today's society, that it's damn difficult to "go against the grain".

Just keep fighting it. If you allow it to take over, you are going to deprive Elayna of her mother. I know that's harsh, but it's true. In my last decade or so of fighting eating disorders, I have never once been myself. It's only now, fighting the demons every day, that I know who I am.